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The Offshore Diaries (Entry 9)

I honestly believe that like sci-fi movies have been preaching from time immemorial, one day, machines will completely take over the world, leaving us in subservience to their every whim and caprice. It is already happening, if you look closely. You’ll want to send a message to your girlfriend, telling her that tonight, as she is coming over, you will summon your inner Mr. Eazi and sexually ZagadisZagadat her life, and you’ll end up sending it to Pastor Joseph 2. Trust me, it is no mistake. Machines are rising and their day will come.

Out here at sea, there are days that convince you machines have a mind of their own. I remember working one day and a supervisor asked me to make sure a particular camera on our machine was working before closing shift, as we would be needing it 9AM the next day. I was going to close by 6pm that day. I tested it at 12noon. It was working. I checked it at 3pm. It was still sound. The supervisor saw me at 5.30pm, just as he was closing, and asked, “Everything okay, Steve?”

“Yes,” I responded, while looking at the beautiful image the HD camera was providing on the screen.

I resumed 5.10am the next day, barely having anything to eat, turned it on, and guess what? It was working. Baba showed up by 8am and asked me if everything was okay.

Oga, no dey ask me abeg. How many times I go check am? I said in my head. But I responded that everything was okay.

Oya, 9am reach. Turn on camera. No picture. Turned it off and on again, and the screen was as dark as a night that joy would not come in the morning. My oga ate me up like someone who served his favorite food after finishing a 40-day fast. He screamed. He shouted. I wondered: Why me, Lord? Why me? I kept looking at the machine for alibi, like “Baba, say something.” Machine remained innocently mute.

My oga stomped off. And I swear, after staring at the machine for a while, I turned it on, and boom! Picture! Crisp and clear like ocean skies. One spirit said to turn it off and on, just to check again. But I remembered that we do not fight against flesh and blood but against principalities and powers. I knew that was the voice of all that wickedness in high places that the bible talks about. Nna m! I left it on.

As my Oga was bounding back up the stairs and was seconds from opening the door, the picture flickered. I looked at the screen sternly and said, “Guy, behave make thunder no fire you.” And I swear to you, till I left to go home, it never had one issue.

And tomorrow, you’ll tell me machines don’t have a mind of their own? You like baba! Better prepare. For like Ijebu garri, they shall rise!

It is because of this mind of their own that machines sometimes have, that maintenance and checks are sung constantly in your ear like when Tekno’s Pana just came out. You need to eliminate carelessness so if e happen, you go know say the thing just wan misbehave. One of the service hands out here, whose tool was required to do a critical task, was surprised when call of duty reach, tool no gree answer. His only savior was that the company man (who is the overall boss out here) witnessed him testing it and even signed that it was working. Village Chinwetalu Agus, Spirit of Terminator, all ye machines arising, NTOOR!!!

I shall end this entry here mbok, because I’m about to close shift and today is Sunday. Every day out here is the same, whether Tuesday, public holiday or New Yam Festival day. Every day except Sunday. Not because work stops, but because it is Barbecue Day. Everybody loves Barbecue Day. Your daddy loves Barbecue Day. Your teacher loves Barbecue Day. Your ex whose heart is as cold as the North Pole loves Barbecue Day.

My name is Uncle Stephen. And this is my Diary.

About shakespeareanwalter

Walt Shakes(@Walt_Shakes) is an award-winning Nigerian writer, poet and veteran blogger. He is a lover of the written word. the faint whiff of nature, the flashing vista of movies, the warmth of companionship and the happy sound of laughter.

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  1. Keep bringing the humour, nna. Chai.

  2. They will truly arise.

  3. Read this over and over, hilarious!!
    I agree, a rise of the machines is on the horizon.
    If you ever decide to write a book, i shall buy.

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