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HUMOUR COLUMN: The One About The Rich II

Sometimes, I really wish I had filthy rich parents. Like Kim Kardashian and Kanye West rich. I want to be North West or even South South so much. And by sometimes, I mean all the time.

You know, that trust fund baby life IS the life. The real life. I want that ‘My daddy can buy you and your family’ life. That ‘What do you mean by there is no light, doesn’t your generator run 24 hours a day?’ life. That ‘I have to be in London for my friend’s birthday’ life. Do you understand? That life where in order for me to be the president of a huge company, all I have to do is stay alive. Not hustle, not work hard, just keep breathing in style. That, my brethren, is the baby boy life.

If I keep hanging out with rich people, I might have to get treated for depression, or jump off the Lekki-Ikoyi Bridge. Rich people make you reevaluate your life and the choices you are making.

For example, you have a trip coming up. And because you are poor, you plan ahead. By ahead, I mean centuries in advance. You plan and plan and plan, telling yourself that if you fail to plan, you plan to fail. That, my friends, is some poor man’s quote. Floyd Mayweather just wakes up, packs money in a bag and travels anywhere. Money serves as a cushion.

Before you save up for the airfare, you consider going by road, seriously consider it. But then, you notice that if you book two millenniums in advance, the difference between going by road and going by air isn’t that much, plus the savings in time is quite wonderful.

Another example: Owerri to Abuja by road is at least 8 hours. By air, it’s 45 minutes. Do you know what that means? It means if you leave by road at 8am, you will still be in Imo State when the other person lands in Abuja. It means you will still have your eyes closed for prayers in the bus when the other person is done with his business in Abuja. Don’t read the next paragraph yet.

Let that sink in. Yes? Ok, you can now continue.

Now, after saving up, you buy an economy class ticket, so you can be served 50 naira juice and cake that is so strong, it must have been made out of plywood, while trust fund babies are in another cabin – the first class cabin – eating jollof rice, chicken, fried plantains and wine.

Another reason I have to stop hanging out with rich people is that they are so casual. They say things that will give a poor man like me a heart attack.

“Man, my iPhone 6 Plus and my MacbookProAirRosegoldAppleLaptop was stolen today.”

While you are there doing rough calculations in your head and trying to hold back the tears for stuff that was not even yours, the rich person continues:

“What hurts the most is that Halo game I was playing. I was just about to reach a new high score. Anyway I ordered new ones today.They will be delivered tomorrow.”

All of this is said with a smile. You remember when your Infinix Hot Note was stolen. How it took the intervention of your friends and your pastor to stop you from committing suicide. How it took three months of going without protein to save up to buy a new Infinix Hot, because Hot Note had become more expensive.

This is why I don’t hang with the really rich folks. They will mess up your psyche in ways you never thought possible.

I am tired of this hustle life. I have drafted letters to Zuckerberg and Bill Gates to adopt me. I am praying they respond. I don’t want to have to write to Dangote; rich Nigerian fathers can be stingy sometimes.

Written by Chika Jones, tweets @chika_jones

About shakespeareanwalter

Walt Shakes(@Walt_Shakes) is an award-winning Nigerian writer, poet and veteran blogger. He is a lover of the written word. the faint whiff of nature, the flashing vista of movies, the warmth of companionship and the happy sound of laughter.

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  1. Udegbunam Chukwudi


    Summary: Money is EVERYTHING!

  2. Oh mehn!!! No be small thing U talk oo!!!
    I remember petting my small Samsung phone I just got for 27k and my friend said I should escort him to make enquiries about. Certain phone. We got there & less than 5minutes later he was packing phone of 229k! Shame no wan gree me answer my phone in public again… Shuo!!

  3. Very funny article…especially the lost of Infinix hot note. Good one there..I laughed out loud.

  4. This is what I’ve been negotiating with Chineke God. I’ve been telling Him He made a mistake with my birth. But no p. I’m giving Him a chance to rectify the situation with my reincarnation. I’m thinking, last born of the Sultan of Brunei 😀

  5. Why can’t just I wake up one day to a bag of millions of dollars by my door step, with a note saying “your struggles have been noticed and I have decided to reward u, child..its infinite” signed God.
    Why, why, why??

  6. Lool

  7. ?????????????? Laughed so hard that I started crying, remembered how I’m not in the rich class

  8. Arrggghhh!! Painful!

  9. …And I laughed hard after that ‘my iphone 6 and the protein break’ part..Well Done!!

  10. Shit dis got me. So not in d rich class YET. Who said a girl can’t dream n hope?

  11. Lmao! This post has been my reality at some point. Spent a few weeks with some rich dudes at one point in time while I was in school. Years later, I’m still trying to recover from the psyche damage that was done to me. People wee just be doing expensive monthly gym registration, kit up finish and go there to gist. Issorait.

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