First off, I would like to thank the Nigerian athletes for mental strength and fortitude. Next I would like to say, I do not think Nigeria is worth it. Those athletes are great people, especially the football team; after the whole trouble they went through, I would have laid down on the pitch and slept on the day of that first match since the government had decided to be childish.
So how is the Olympics thing done in Nigeria? Before you launch into this guide, it is important that you know this: Nigerians are a weird people. That settled, wrap a Nigerian flag around yourself and dive in:
CHANGE OF NAME
This is a very vital part of the Olympics for Nigerians. Starting 2016, it is important that the entire country changes its name. For this year, we used United States of Nigeria. Come 2020, we are taking suggestions; drop yours in the comment box below.
SEW OFFICIAL ATTIRES THEMED AFTER OTHER PLANETS
The Nigerian Olympics team wore tracksuits to the opening ceremony, which in my opinion is pretty cool. Why? Because I saw a picture of the official attire they were making for them which couldn’t be finished on time. We all know there is no way it would have been ready on time; Nigerian tailors are never ready. It is statistically impossible.
And the official attire was themed after Krypton, even the models looked ashamed.
YOU NEED A MINISTER WITH A RED BERET
I cannot explain that, please don’t ask me to.
Also, you should tell the athletes to go to the tournament with their personal funds. This is very important as it serves a dual purpose. One, you can tell them you will not pay if they do not come back with medals. This would be a huge motivating factor. Secondly, you will succeed in making your entire government look stupid.
Also, start preparing for the Olympics a year to the start of the tournament. Ignore those people that train for four years, God is on your side. A year is even too much; start preparing six months to the games. Starve your athletes if possible; that way, if they win, you can be sure it was not by your power, but it was all through God’s grace.
Penultimately, when you have the only African to be at seven Olympics table tennis tournaments from your country, ignore him. No need to do anything special to encourage him or other young athletes, no. If you honor him, he might start to carry shoulder and become proud. We cannot have proud people in the country.
And finally, when the teams come back from the Olympics with medals, claim the medal in Jesus name. And then throw a party, so you can spend all that money you could not produce earlier.
Written by Chika Jones, tweets @chika_jones