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HUMOUR COLUMN: Netflix and Chill

On the sixth day of January 2016, it was announced that Netflix was launched in Nigeria. This was while we were engrossed in more serious things on Twitter like analyzing the beef between the Mayor of the Lagos Mainland and the mayor of the Lagos Island. According to Wikipedia, this is Netflix:

“Netflix is an American multinational provider of on-demand Internet streaming media, and of flat rate DVD-by-mail in the United States, where mailed DVDs and Blu-ray Disc are sent via Permit Reply Mail. The company was established in 1997 and is headquartered in Los Gatos, California. It started its subscription-based service in 1999.”

Yes, you saw it right. The subscription-based service started in 1999. Sixteen years later, they have taken pity on us and decided to share. Nigeria is that little brother who gets the hand-me-downs, from sliced bread, to cars; we usually get it ten years after. Which is why I have faith in Nigeria, give us another 10 to 15 years and we will be able to come up with a good budget, and by good, I mean one which is not missing. And if not, we can always borrow from Uncle Sam.

So we can now subscribe to Netflix in Nigeria and chill? Yes? Wrong answer people, wrong answer.

First of all, the internet connection in Nigeria is atrocious. So we’ll have to wait 10 years to get the type of internet they currently have in America, by which time, they would have moved on to a better type. Currently, streaming a 30 second video online requires a measure of patience, so I do not need to tell you that you have to have Jesus’ brand of patience to watch a full movie. Nigeria where you will be trying to download a porn video, and it will be so slow, you would have had time to reconsider the consequences of your sin and give your life to Christ before the download is done.

Secondly, Nigerian girls will have trouble chilling. See, they do not actually go to the cinemas to watch movies. You know this. They go to take pictures, to turn on their Facebook location, to eat popcorn or shawarma, anything but the movie. If you think I am wrong, watch your girl midway through the movie, you will see she is already bored. That is why they go to the toilet during the movie, so they can take a mirror selfie. So no, they will not understand when you say Netflix replaces going to the cinema. How can they? Your room is not Silverbird Galleria. Your popcorn is not the same. Your toilet too is different. So how dare you suggest that it is a replacement?

So no brethren, you will not Netflix and Chill, well, at least not for another ten years. Do not feel too badly about this. There are a host of other far more enjoyable tasks you can engage in. See the list below:

  • Search for the 2016 Budget. It is about 1,800 pages long. White paper. Please do not be confused about the numbers on it when you find it; it is not your business to understand it. Just return it to NASS. NASS is that house in Abuja where grown men in agbada climb over gates.
  • Find out the cause of the currently brewing beef between Dammy Krane and Wizkid. It is important; we cannot have our artistes fighting one another. If Dangote can bring out his time to settle such disputes, so should you.
  • Find out when the next season of Empire will be out.

Written by Chika Jones, tweets @chika_jones

About shakespeareanwalter

Walt Shakes(@Walt_Shakes) is an award-winning Nigerian writer, poet and veteran blogger. He is a lover of the written word. the faint whiff of nature, the flashing vista of movies, the warmth of companionship and the happy sound of laughter.

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  1. Wait, there’s another music industry beef? Wizkid and Dammy Krane? What is wrong with these musicians this 2016 sef?

  2. I’m yet to figure out how this Netflix and Chill thingie works sef.

  3. Chika will not kill somebori.
    Bhet this is the first I’m hearing…err…reading of a beef between dammy krane and wizkid.
    These people dey really entertain us.
    And who needs telemundo or zeeworld with the drama taking place in Aso rock?
    I wonder why I bothered to subscribe my star times.

  4. Netflix and Chill is very possible in some areas of this country, with the right network. I’m probably one of those that will hook up with Netflix and chill in a few years time. Make I watch as e dey go first.
    Hilarious article as always, that girlfriend part is so true, so so hilariously true.

  5. When to watch a four-minute-long video on YouTube takes thirty minutes, twenty-six of which is spent “buffering”….

    It’s not Netflix and Chill they’re bringing. It’s Netflix and Pull Your Hair Out in Frustration.

  6. I’m more worried about the amount i’d have to spend on data. I mean, check it naa, a movie ticket at filmhouse on a weekday is 600 naira; can I use data worth that amount to watch a movie online?

  7. You’ll have to pay for both internet and Netflix subscription. It’s not going to work here. Not now. We don’t have the bandwidth yet.

  8. Lol, grown men n agbada jumping over gates, I died?

  9. Chika Tito Jones… I love you…. And this is for Kindness’ benefit… Like a brother oh…

  10. Michael cyprian O.

    Chika’s back. I’m happy. Don’t run out on us again please.

  11. Chika Jones, giving life through humour. Kudos bro, funny as always

  12. Chika the day you make me embarrass myself in public because of laugh is the day you and I will have problem.
    Thanks for the humor.

  13. LOL. Chika’s internet slash porn-alysis is quite on point. Internet service so down with Downs Syndrome you would’ve repented and preached the gospel before a 4minute clip would download (one good side after all).

    When the crane realises it’s him and a kid he’ll stop whooping and do something meaningful (more men still needed to find the missing budget). Surprisingly, no one is talking about how Netflix will affect Alaba international business. We cannot chill! Chilli mba!

  14. hahahahahahahahaha this is dope! NICE NICE

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