Home / Sights, Scenes And Writs / HOLLYWOOD – A CESSPOOL OF SEX


So I’m sitting, minding my own business and watching (what else?) E! of course. I’m watching Giulanna Rancic give a recap of yet another Hollywood breakup, that of two serious hotties, Justin Timberlake and Jessica Biel. Then as a consequence of one who’s had a little too much sun beat down on his head (white fever, I think they call it), my mind started hopping through the bevy of lulus that pave the streets of Hollywood, trying to find another esculent blonde that would fit in by the side of our newly freed Lothario. Then I thought, Jessica Simpson. She’s bodacious, perky and actually isn’t a dumb blonde (if her million-dollar business empire is anything to go by). And what’s more? Her name is Jessica too. What? Don’t look so shocked…Ben Affleck dated two Jennifers, didn’t he? Anyway, my thought processes went into overdrive and…Oh Crap! Turns out Jessica Simpson has slept with John Mayer who has bedded Cameron Diaz who played house with J.T. for about three years. That makes this matchmaking feel kinda incestuous, doesn’t it?

So I moved on to console Jessica Biel. For this babe with her perfectly-lined figure, I had two words: Ryan Reynolds. Then I realized he’s newly single because he just divorced Scarlett Johansson, the same Scarlett who once had the briefest fling with J.T. <shaking head> When they say Hollywood is one big happy family, I guess they didn’t realize those words are true in more ways than one. I mean, it’s now a question of ‘Who hasn’t slept with who?’. There’s such an undercurrent of sex going on in between the movie shoots, the red-carpet premieres and the glitzy fundraisers. And the art is fast imitating life. You slot into your DVD that blockbuster that’s burning up the box office and you most certainly cannot get to the credits without witnessing a flash of nipples or the sight of jiggly butts. Hey, I’m not complaining. There’s no drama that thrills me more than the one that plays itself out in Tinseltown.

Take a look at the modern day Beauty and the Beast, for instance: Heidi Klum and Seal. Word has it that Seal once dated Tyra Banks, an ex-supermodel who hid Victoria’s Secret along with Heidi. How might that conversation have gone?

Heidi: Hey girl, I heard you’ve broken up with that singer, Seal…

Tyra: Yes. He let slip that he wanted to sleep with Gisele Bundchen. That sonofabitch!

Heidi: *downcast* Really? Well, did he?

Tyra: Are you kidding? Gisele bounced him in favour of Leonardo Dicaprio.

Heidi: *ecstatic* Great! Can I have his number?

And Heidi met, bedded and married Seal without a backwards glance. And by Hollywood standards, their marriage is a miracle. Hah! The adage “Once you go black, you can’t go back” never seemed more apt.

Sandra Bullock is a woman whose acting chops I admire. And when she started making whoopee with Matthew McConaughey, they seemed ideal. But before I could get comfortable with watching them make sweet music together, they had split (Are you kidding me?!), and Matthew moved on to Penelope Cruz, the Latina who had just finished sleeping with Tom Cruise, his rebound after he divorced Nicole Kidman, who had gone on to marry Keith Urban, who once went to rehab for his sex issues. Sex issues, huh? Who knows how many people he’d shagged for it to result into a case for rehab? Wait a second, the woman that started this chain – Sandra Bullock…wasn’t she married to Jesse James, the guy who’s sexcapades made a spectacular splash in Hollywood?

HalleBerry is one lady that epitomizes the perfection of black beauty for me: an hourglass figure, exotic features and a smooth sepia complexion, all of which makes you think of sultry Arabian nights. When she started dating male-model Gabriel Aubry, I started to envision a kid of theirs to rival Shiloh Jolie-Pitt in beauty. Then they split before I could finish the ‘T’ in ‘beauty contest’.  Next thing you know, Gabriel is getting associated with…wait for it…Kim Kardashian. But the official report is that they are ‘just friends’ – Hollywood-speak for ‘we’re having sex but we refuse to comment on it to avoid jinxing it’. Then again, since Kim likes having her candy very chocolatey, and given her penchant for serial dating, it’s only a matter of time till she ends up dating Eric Benet, another of Halle’s exes. Yuck!

Irish actor Colin Farrell has definitely made the rounds. He has been connected to a long list of famous actresses including Britney Spears, Demi Moore, Lindsay Lohan, Angelina Jolie, and Paris Hilton, just to name a few. And since Paris makes it her business to flit from one stud to another, she could easily have slept with someone who has sexed someone who has shagged someone who dates back to Colin. Eeeww-ish, isn’t it?

Crooner John Mayer loves to sing about sensitive, lovey-dovey things, but it’s all really a front. He was named Cad of the Year in 2007 by Us Weekly, and his list of femmes is pretty long, including Jennifer Aniston, Jennifer Love Hewitt, Mandy Moore, Carrie Underwood, Jessica Simpson and Taylor Swift, the latest whom he bedded after she had dumped Twilight-favorite Taylor Lautner and before she started getting it on with Jake Gyllenhaal, who was fresh out of his affair with Reese Witherspoon. Oh my God! Plotting that sex-graph kinda gave me a headache!

When some singing starlet opens up her mouth in her debut album to preach the news of her virginity (like Britney Spears and Mandy Moore did), all I do is wait for it…wait for it…and, poof! a Hollywood Don Juan comes along and pops that cherry seconds after the release of that preachy album.

Cameron Diaz was once quoted to have said: “The fountain of youth? Let’s see – I guess it’s exercise, healthy diet, lots of water, lots of laughter, lots of sex – yes, sex, we need that as human beings. It’s healthy, it’s natural.” Is it any wonder she has this fresh funky outlook on life after Justin broke her heart? She has been living it up, moving from male-model Paul Sculfor (who has slept with Jennifer Aniston) to Criss Angel (who has slept with Jessica Simpson) to A-Rod (the stud who broke Kate Hudson’s heart). Kate apparently didn’t like this romance; so what did she do? She went and got herself shagged and knocked up by a rock-artist, no less. So I guess that’s the last we’ll be seeing her in this fast developing sex mishmash-angle…unless of course they break up.

When I heard that Vanessa Williams had sexed and married a hot younger guy, Rick Fox, I proclaimed silently: You go, girl! I really should have kept my mouth shut. Yep, they split. Then Ugly Betty aired and the vixen started to wow the viewing public with her ruthlessly-witty Wilhelmina-Slater character. Then the zinger: Wilhelmina started an affair with a guy who was a character played by none other than Rick Fox. WHAT?! Her ex-husband playing her TV lover! Just how could this happen? Were the producers that short on cast? Just where, in between takes as they roll around in the hay, are they supposed to draw the line between reality and fiction? In Hollywood, that line has been so oft blurred that when chemistry is sparked on-screen, it very often spills out off-screen. Just ask Brangelina.

<heavy sigh> I could go on and on, but frankly, all this sex talk is wearying me out…and to be honest, making me kinda horny too. So I’ll wrap it up with Scarlett Johansson’s famous quote: “I don’t think [being monogamous] is a natural instinct for human beings. Monogamy can be hard work for some people. I don’t think it applies to everybody, and I don’t think a lot of people can do it…” Spoken like a true Hollywood-ian, don’t you think?


About shakespeareanwalter

Walt Shakes(@Walt_Shakes) is an award-winning Nigerian writer, poet and veteran blogger. He is a lover of the written word. the faint whiff of nature, the flashing vista of movies, the warmth of companionship and the happy sound of laughter.

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  1. Wally…u need help! Excellent work as usual.

  2. Absolutely impressive. You sure do know your celebirities. Best Tinseltown sex-profiling I’ve ever read, and I’m not sure I’ve read any before. Imagining how many hours you spend in front of your TV makes me cringe, but if this is the result, you could as well get sucked into the tube. Lolz.
    AWESOME work!

  3. Yup, u need help. Sheesh, now Hollywood don’t look so good. Stringing all this together is good work.

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