I recently heard about Aziz Ansari being involved in a sex scandal. The outrage was alarming. So I read about the so-called ‘sexual harassment’.
And I fear that at the rate we are going, we are watering down sexual harassment to mean “he did not pull down my panties gently”. We lump ambivalence, guilt, regret, disappointment into the umbrella of sexual assault or rape.
In Aziz’s case, he met a lady at the Golden Globes after-party, was reticent and wouldn’t converse till Miss Chatterbox drew him out of his shell. He took her number, and they planned on a date. They had the date, had a wonderful time, and then voluntarily went back to Aziz’s.
After a date and you don’t want to go further, you go home. Do not follow the man back home.
Man: Hey, you wanna come home to see my Bradley Cooper collection?
You: No, probably next time. It’s 10 pm and my Ryan Gosling wallpaper has to be oiled.
OK LET’S CONTINUE.
At the house, Aziz poured this woman some wine and she voluntarily drank.
If you somehow find yourself at a man’s house and you have no plans to go further, you shouldn’t be having alcohol.
Man: Here’s some cool 1873 Cavabien French wine.
You: No thank you. I’m doing a seven-day detox challenge where I only drink water.
Aziz kissed her, she kissed back. Aziz performed oral on her, she received without protest. She also reciprocated. He talked dirty, she stayed. At no time did she vocally establish her unease. At no time did she try to leave and was stopped.
When she finally registered her unease, he stopped. There was no penetration whatsoever. He called her a cab and she left.
Yet the lady went to the press to malign the man.
Imagine me bringing a guy home after a marvelous first date and doing exactly what Aziz did.
I offer him wine, fellate him, allow him reciprocate, lead him into my room and look at the mirror, pour him more wine, and when he feels antsy, I call him a cab without even actually having sex or forcing him to. How is that sexual harassment?
Especially as the guy NEVER asked me to stop and I never prevented him from leaving either.
Guilt after sex is not sexual harassment.
Disappointment after sex is not sexual harassment.
Regret after sex is not sexual harassment.
No is no. But you have to say NO FIRST! No one is a mind reader. Nobody is going to say the No for you! Do not go through the motions, fellate, receive cunnilingus, and then come out to scream rape or assault when you never said no!
If you’re uncomfortable with one night stands, say so. Do not go through with it even though you’re uncomfortable, and then scream assault later.
It is a slap on the face of real rape and assault victims. If we keep on with this, no one will take them seriously.
Do not be the boy (or in this case, the lady) who cries wolf! When a wolf actually attacks, no one will come a-running.
Aziz Ansari did absolutely nothing wrong. If he were a woman, he would be celebrated as a woman who knows what she wants. If he were a common man and not a celebrity, he would not be getting so much flak.
Written by Ijeoma Chinonyerem