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Yaky Ink-spired: KILL THEORY, MY TAKE

I saw a movie once, Kill Theory is the name, and I can tell you the movie had a sobering effect on me. Plot: A guy goes on a climbing trip with his girlfriend and close friends (read BFFs) and they meet with a misfortune. After an accident leaves all four hanging on a rope which can only support the weight of one, they stare hopelessly into the face of death below. In a (as the guy later says) very rational moment, he sees that it is either he cut his friends off or they all plunge down into the hereafter. He decides that heaven can wait for him…but no such luck for his friends, except if they miraculously find angels along the way down from who they’d borrow wings. Saw, saw, saw, his knife goes at the rope below him. His companions fall: Thud! Thud! Thud! He climbs to safety, sheds a few tears for his friends and eventually gets rescued. For all his trouble, he is accused and convicted of offing his friends and is sentenced to 3-year stint in an asylum.

Okay, cut to eight teenagers holidaying in a summer house and they are held hostage by the crazy guy with an ultimatum: kill yourselves. Last man standing by 6am leaves (and lives). Failing that, they all die. Some wanted to stick together till the end, some decided to strike out on their own. Some actively began the elimination process and the movie got underway. This is where I stop telling, as progressing with the story will contain spoilers for anyone who wishes to see the movie. If you really want to know what happens next, there’s always Wikipedia.

My aim here is not to tell you the story; my aim is to pose the dilemma to you: To kill or not to kill, that’s the question.

So, let me be more specific. In the guy’s shoes, what will it be? “Hey, friends, we’ll see each other in the afterlife” while you proclaim the Musketeers’ Anthem “one for all, all for one”. Or will it be “Sorry old pals, it’s nothing personal but I still have a good run left on this machine to want out of the game. So long, guys.”

On your marks…get set…GO!

The decision not to kill seems to be a valid goody-two-shoes option. And it does not assault our delicate sensibilities. Hey, let’s hold hands and sing ‘Amazing Grace’ while getting ready for a modern-day, Masada-like self-extermination scheme for the sake of friendship. I mean what’s life? A journey that lasts, at most, 120 years compared to earth’s 4.7 billion years with 6 billion more on the same voyage. A greater part of the life you spend goofing off. And there is no guarantee for longevity: you could lose the life you just saved to almost anything almost immediately after. Could anything be more puny and inconsequential—sort of like a 0.000001 in an equation of billion valued variables? Look on the bright side. You will be doing the world a favor by freeing up some scarce resources for others and will be making significant (how significant?) efforts in the progress of current population control attempts. You should even be raring to go if the afterlife is half of what it’s cracked up to be. And you hold hands and shut your eyes tightly…only peering from a squint, now and then, at your friends just in case one has a change of mind at the end and wants to pull a fast one on you and beat a fast exit. Hell, you are not a mind reader.

On the other hand, the big picture might not interest you a bit. The self-preservation rule of man kicks in. It’s MY life, it screams. I don’t care how life, in general, is puny. It’s all I have, the movie I play the lead role in. Everything else pales into insignificance before it. Die with my friends? Oh hell! Make like a pigeon and fly-crap on that idea! I am the only one that matters. Check out: nobody even spends up to half the time you spend with yourself with you. Not mother, not brother; neither friend nor lover. So who’s your best friend? Guess who you’d be rooting for? Definitely not your ‘heartthrob’ or your ‘apple of an eye’. Hey, these days a malfunctioning heart could get switched for a better one. And don’t get me started on the apple of an eye. Hah, you could get an eye patch. Damn thing makes you look so cool it seems like an incentive for losing an eye. So the idea to die with friends almost seems laughable. What friends? The ones who would rarely give you a much-needed boost? They’d rather offer you some bottles to give a false cheer because that would be more cost effective. No sir, in this world, it’s every man for himself. So that option is a waste.

You may try to be all civil and courteous about this business. Like in the cliffhangers’ scenario, they, in all fairness, decide to toss a die to determine who lives. Highest number wins. Jody, get your dice out, let’s see who gets out. So they roll dice and the third guy down wins. Well, Jack on top has the knife and that doesn’t cut (no pun intended) it for him. No way! I wouldn’t let anything as chancy as a dice dictate my life. He suggests another elimination process. Fattest one lets go. Andrews, I saw you on the bathroom scale and I know you are 2 pounds overweight.  You know it’s probably for the best before the heart attack comes. It wasn’t a good idea to stuff your face in the beginning. If the situation were reversed, I would approve of this fair decision. Goodbye. Saw, saw, saw. ARRRGGH! THUD! Okay, now who has cancer? HIV? Malaria? Cough and catarrh? Lisa, I saw you sniffle. Is that a cold? No fair, I was just crying for Andrews. Oh Lis! Shame on you! At least be honest. The truth will set you free. And so will the lie. Saw, saw, saw. Jody, I got more brains than you and I’m more likely to impact the world positively than you. That’s not true; I’ve always done better in school than you. I meant street smarts, dumbo. Saw, saw, saw.

When push comes to shove (pun pretty much intended) you stand alone in the world. So it is the survival of the fittest (or sharpest). No brother in the jungle, as they say. You say, that’s cruel, Ebuka. But I say in this world where some are in plenty, even colossal excess, a lot are dying from starvation. Some countries are burning food for fuel or dumping them in waters for economic reasons, while in some others, people go to bed hungry. They are strangers, granted. What of the way people switch friends when they climb up the social scale?

So if I happen to be locked up in a house with acquaintances (let me not be so insensitive to say ‘friends’) with the request to give everyone a dirt nap or the opportunity to kick buckets before 6am the next day, I will find the most effective weapon and back into the farthest and least accessible corner. And pray nobody makes any sudden innocuous motions towards me (even if it is to ask the time). I’m not going to start anything but there’s no way I’m going to trust something like anybody’s altruistic feelings. I happen to take the aggressive defense approach very serious. And something had better go down before 5.30am or all bets are off.

Ebuka!

What?! I’m just saying that’s all.

Written by theYakadude


About shakespeareanwalter

Walt Shakes(@Walt_Shakes) is an award-winning Nigerian writer, poet and veteran blogger. He is a lover of the written word. the faint whiff of nature, the flashing vista of movies, the warmth of companionship and the happy sound of laughter.

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17 comments

  1. If they’re my family, I may feel less inclined to cut the rope. Friends however, I’m sorry

    Verry sorry Very sorry….. lol!

  2. It would be a very hard decision to make but……. *hack hack stab stomp!*

    I’m really sorry, friends! :'(

  3. It’s scary really. That we’ll just kill on the flimsy excuse that you want to ensure our survival. I don’t think that’s right, it speaks on how cruel and self centered we have become as a people.

    Yes I’ll gladly kill you all but it’s only on very rare occasions like when I’m told to do so by the spirit. The spirit dictates and the body obeys.

    Nice read, would love to try it out one day. Is yemie around?

  4. Mind fuck… That’s what this is… 😀

  5. Someone’s gone nuts! Call the Shrink please!
    Lolz!

  6. House scenario… how are you sure the guy will even let the last man standing leave(live)? we rather stand and fight together joor…. I have seen friends who are closer than family members. na film sha. off to wikipedia

  7. If it comes to choosing between my life and those of friends… I’ll choose me. But on the instance of some crazy sadist, my only target would be the crazy sadist. Doesn’t mean I won’t use lethal force to defend myself from anyone else.

    • shakespeareanwalter

      So side-eye for anyone else and front eye for crazy sadist, ei? Someone’s gonna be really busy in a hostage situation 🙂

  8. back…ya…deep down we are all killers.

  9. hilarious! I was just smiling all through…
    why are we so scared of death? isn’t there supposed to be an afterlife; heaven where all is bliss and all?

    • shakespeareanwalter

      Look at this Topazo o. Do you think there’ll be internet access to blog with in the afterlife? Bros, rest joor.

  10. Lols! Topazo, thanks for saying that. But still we are all still very much afraid to die!!!

  11. The idea of afterlife easily pops up as a reprieve, but the thought of dropping from the height hitting the rough edges and landing with an a brief but excruciating thud is enough for one to say “hey, afterlife can wait. Amma cut this rope dudes! You guys should go ahead…I’ve got some fresh air of this boring world to catch”.

    Rationally, the way forward is to let three go to save one (the first man by the rope) instead of killing four…ceteris paribus, at least three people are gon’ die anyway.

    #Okbye 🙂

  12. As humans, we never can tell what we can do till we are in the said situation. Our survival instinct mixed with rushing adrenaline will not even remember what is right or wrong…..survive….live….don’t die will be ringing upstairs. Abeg make we no enter some kain palava o, becos na sometin lik dis dey make mama run leav her pikin to save herself- how much more friends?

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