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Waiting On A Personal Christmas

Originally published on johnpavlovitz.com

Oh, we need a little Christmas, right this very minute….

Have you ever felt like something was off, something you couldn’t quite place but you were sure of just the same; a subtle but very profound not rightness?

Well, something is not right in me these days and I know it.

I’m not sure how to describe it, other than to say that lately there is something missing.

I think it might be Hope.

I think I’m becoming starved of Hope.

It hasn’t happened overnight, but over time my soul’s been so weighed down by suffering, so saturated by the sadness all around that the expectancy’s been completely squeezed out, the possibility all but drained away.

I know the things I’m supposed to believe, the response I’m supposed to have, the joy I’m supposed to overflow with, but these are getting more and more difficult to muster in the face of all the horrible that’s happening in the world: Death, terror, war, bigotry, and violence all on heavy rotation and seemingly no relief.

These are desperate days on the planet.

They are desperate days in my heart.

Man, I need Christmas.

But I don’t need it on the calendar, I need it within me.

I need the birth of something beautiful, that thrill of hope I used to sing about as a child, to return again to my spirit.

I need the arrival of a great light into the deep, dark recesses of myself, where joy and wonder have all but vanished.

I need a newborn’s sweet softness deposited into the dank, frigid, musty manger that I have tended to become.

I need new life to change the landscape and alter the temperature in the way only new life can.

The word Emmanuel means “God with us”, and Christmas is the promise of an imminent holy, healing presence, but frankly most days it feels like we’re on our own here.

It seems like we’re fending for ourselves in this brutality, surrounded by so much that is wrong and hurtful, and because of this, the waiting is not the enjoyable kind of waiting.

It is not the wide-eyed optimism that looks to the skies, fully certain that goodness is on the way and coming close.

It is not the temporary discomfort that endures, certain that life and relief are soon coming.

It isn’t the giddy preparation in advance of a party.

This is more a frightened, exhausting, painful in-between that fears this might be the best we can expect.

It is a resignation to the darkness.

It is a funeral for the future.

I don’t want that.

I refuse to resign myself to such despair.

I have enough hope left in the reservoirs of my heart to believe that joy can still surprise, that hidden goodness is now preparing itself in secret, that love is on the way to mend and heal and lift.

So I will wait patiently for this internal Christmas to come; for that moment when I am again overwhelmed with possibility, helpless in the grip of all that right and wonderful.

For you who wait on these things along with me, be greatly encouraged.

May Christmas come to your hurting heart too, and may your hope be born again.

Peace in the waiting.

About shakespeareanwalter

Walt Shakes(@Walt_Shakes) is an award-winning Nigerian writer, poet and veteran blogger. He is a lover of the written word. the faint whiff of nature, the flashing vista of movies, the warmth of companionship and the happy sound of laughter.

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  1. This Christmas is coming on the heels of so much tragedy out there. May God give us – and all those affected – the will and fortitude to join in the joys of Christ’s birth.

  2. Oh dear, this man echoes my thoughts and fears exactly. Hope is fading away and it’s really hard to be joyous about Christmas anymore. But when we really focus on the meaning of Christmas and not just marking it because it’s a date on our calenders, we begin to feel that hopelessness lift and joy return to our hearts. I pray we all find that beautiful Christmas our hearts crave.

    • shakespeareanwalter

      This one, you’ve always being a December lover. Of course you will hold on to the joys promised by Christmas, come rain, shine or Harmattan. 🙂

      • Oh yes, Christmas is always my joyful season. Despite all the chaos right now in the world, Christmas can’t be ruined for me.

  3. In Jesus name. Amen

  4. This. Is. Beautiful
    Waiting on my own internal Christmas too

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