So I’m at home on a Tuesday, two weeks ago, I think. I spent most of the morning masturbating. I get a call from my friend, a guy, asking me to come over, that he’s in town.
An hour later, I’m still in my father’s house generally doing nothing. He calls again. And finally, after about two hours, I’m there. Yay!
So he’s in his house with a girl, his girlfriend actually, who he’s in an open relationship with.
He takes me outside and goes, “This baby say she wan blow you o. If you go blow, just enter inside.”
Now, I’m a shy and reserved guy. And faced with such an unusual proposition, in my mind, I say no.
But you see, I’d recently had an app update on my Facebook timeline a prediction about how I’ll be more of a womanizer this year. In that moment, the image of the post pops up in my mind. And I’m like, Okay! Time to get my womanizer on!
So I say a very quiet “Yes”. And we go back inside, the womanizer in me all set.
A few minutes later, my friend leaves to charge his phone. And in the wake of his departure, the room practically becomes a graveyard. No brilliant quip is brought up, no scintillating remark is dispensed. Just two people caught in the speechless hold of an unusual situation.
And I’m in my mind like: Chai! I don fuck up! What will I say to this girl now?
The womanizer post flashes before my eyes again, and I draw some strength from it. I clear my throat. She looks up. I ask if I can join her on the bed.
Just look at who wants to be a womanizer. I’m in my mind shaking my head for me.
She says, “Oh you’re free.”
So I get up from where I’m sitting and go to lie beside her. And for about two minutes, there is no talking or breathing from me.
And then, the next thing I know, I’m blurting out, “So my friend told me what you said.”
Smooth, nigga! Real smooth!
She gives me a look, and simply rolls away from me, leaving me to punch myself in my mind.
But the womanizer in me refuses to give up, so I shift closer and try to fondle her boobs. (By the way, did I forget to mention her knockers are hee-yuge? Well, they are!). She responds positively, leans into my caress. The womanizer in me is pleased. I get naked. She gets naked. And we start to do the do. We decide to enact the famous doggy style. She goes on her knees and I get in position behind her. But then, I realize I can’t enter the holy-of-holies, because…
I am astounded. I am shocked. I want to cry. I quietly curse myself in every language I know! Then it hits me! I’d wanked more than five times today.
See eh, lemme just stop here. Bottom line is it wasn’t awesome. I kept losing my wood, because I’d wanked too much that morning.
What’s the moral of this story, you ask. Well, you cannot be a wanker and a womanizer at the same time. You’ve got to pick a struggle.
Written by Jolly Wanker