It’s that time of the year again, that day called Children’s Day, when our kids are on holiday and parents wish they were kids. To all the stressed-out parents out there, you’re allowed to kick back and have a shot of bourbon. Good luck getting the kids to bed first.
Happy Children’s Day to all the kids out there, but this piece is not directed at you. Now hand over mummy and daddy’s devices back to them, we have to talk.
Hello parents and intended parents to be, now let’s talk – or rather, listen to me talk. Yesterday morning, I came across this headline via a friend’s Facebook feed: ‘DSTV yanks “I AM CAIT” after complaints from Nigerians‘. Now before you think this is going to be some sort of pro-transgender piece, it’s not. I wish it was, but I don’t understand the transgender movement enough to form a logical opinion. This, dear adults, is about responsible parenting.
Last year, after complaints from some “responsible” Nigerian parents, DSTV removed a docuseries about a teenage transgender from their network. I can’t remember the name now but I believe it was to be shown on TLC. Just when I thought the bullies that are Nigerian parents were done, they went for another transgender show, ‘I Am Cait’.
I have never seen an episode of the show, maybe snippets when it was being advertised on E! or other stations, but never have I sat down to watch it. I had my personal reasons, chief of which is I don’t like reality TV; I’m not a fan of watching other people live their lives. My other reason is that I am not a fan of the entire Kardashians; they being reality TV stars and all, I never understood the fame that came with them.
However much I disliked the show, its premise about a man transforming to a woman, I never ever believed it was cable TV’s job to parent my kid. Now, a couple of parents sit in their homes, renew their cable TV subscription, I also renew mine. We are all watching various shows based on our various likes; how then does it seem right that one couple get to dictate which shows I get to watch? Oh that’s right, that’s exactly what this is. From the comfort of your home, you pulled the plug on a TV show another couple finds entertaining. All because you feel it is a depraved show.
To those parents that suddenly get to choose for the rest of the country, clap for yourselves. You bunch of hypocritical asswipes.
Kids, if you’re still reading, an asswipe is a fancy name for a tissue paper. Now, go play, the holiday will soon be over.
Yes, my dear good parents, I-want-what’s-best-for-my-kids mommies and daddies. Now that you have gotten a show off the air, I’ll like to suggest some other shows we should petition DSTV to pull down. Yes, I’ll support you guys on this one.
GAME OF THRONES
This should be the first show to go. Have you seen what goes on there? In the first season, an innocent man was beheaded. Can you believe that? Beheaded! On TV! With our kids watching? I remember watching it with a younger cousin of mine, and up till this minute, I fear he’ll walk in one day and chop my head off.
OK, as if that was not enough, during the third season, they killed off a beloved family at their own wedding reception. Ha! Jesu! What kind of depravity is that? What are these people teaching our children? That marriage is overrated? That you’ll be murdered at their own reception? However are we going to convince our kids to get married?
Not only is the show filled with senseless violence, nudity is everywhere. And they have a dragon. Surely that’s heresy, dragons are devilish creatures.
This show is filled with way too much bad English, it negates every piece of good English our kids learn in school. Right now, my son is forming his words; I wouldn’t want Funke Akindele to be teaching him bad English. Besides I heard her personal life is pretty messed up, something about marrying an already married man or something like that. I mean, how depraved is that? Please, when are we starting that petition? Before my child will start saying words like, “Ha, wat appened? Wat is do you? Left me to marry sugar mummy, she is not love her four husbands again.” *shudder*
ULTIMATE SPIDERMAN, AVENGERS ASSEMBLE, GUARDIANS OF THE GALAXY!
Are you perplexed? Thinking what shows those are? I used to be like you too until my nephews came to visit me last Easter and they kept saying, “Uncle put channel 304! Uncle, 304!” Those are animated shows shown on Disney XD. Ultimate Spiderman is about a young kid bitten by a spider, who subsequently swings about his city on a web and fights people. Yes, the enemies attack him but then instead of getting them to bow their heads in prayer, he fights them back.
Avengers Assemble and Guardians of the Galaxy are also based on the same premise, but in this case, made up of different super-powered human beings who aren’t Angels or Prophets. One is even a god of thunder. Imagine that! God of Thunder! They want our kids to be idol worshipers when we know there is only one true God of thunder. You might argue that those are animated shows, not steeped in reality, but do you ask yourselves what your kids are up to when you’re not home? Your guess is as good as mine: playing dress up and fighting, using mummy’s wrapper as a cape. Next thing you know, your boys will tell you they like female clothes. And you’ll suddenly find yourselves with a Denrele situation on your hands.
SEX SENT ME TO THE ER (TLC)
This is pretty self explanatory; they are teaching our kids how to have risky dangerous sex. We must fight against this. It’s either missionary style or nothing.
This station should be completely yanked off the airwaves along with all its subsidiaries – Igbo, Yoruba, Hausa, Showcase, Epic, etcetera. Whatever suffix is attached to the name, it doesn’t matter. The stations are filled with movies that expose our kids to ritual images, scantily dressed girls, bad boys that smoke and womanize, evil mothers-in-law, obscene wealth, and a whole lot of other vices. Nothing good is shown on these stations. We want it off.
ALL THE MUSIC STATIONS
Again, scantily dressed ladies humping their behind to suggestive music! Save our daughters from a life of pole dancing, ban these stations with immediate effect.
I really could go on and on but I think I’ve driven home my point. Everything on TV is bad. We have to get rid of TV all together so that our kids will grow up without any form of corruption. This is the view some of us parents hold, that TV is bad for our children. I don’t blame you, it’s your prerogative to think so. But at the end of it all, you are the parent that child sees, you are the primary influence on your child. If you feel a TV show is too raunchy for your kids, tune it off, switch off the TV or change channels. Instruct your kids to go do their homework, play outside, visit the neighbour’s kids, anything but sit and watch “depraved” shows. This was how my parents trained me and my brothers, and we turned out fine.
That form of parenting hasn’t changed; it has even gotten easier. Now we’ve got cable TV, and with that comes a beautiful feature called PARENTAL CONTROL. You can actually block the programmes or stations you don’t want your kids to see when you’re away. Call DSTV and ask them, they’ll gladly put you through on how to do it. Let’s stop with our hypocrisy, it’s nauseating, and our kids are watching. You’ll block a transgender show while your son is watching porn on his phone. Your daughter went clubbing and lied to you that she had a sleepover with Chidinma, the Mary League president. Pulling the show off the air is not going to change anything if you don’t sit your kids down from time to time and teach them how to be amazingly great, tolerant human beings.
This form of parenting where you allow a made-for-profit media organisation to morally raise your kids for you is the worst form of lazy parenting I’ve ever seen. It’s parenting by proxy with the belief that your children will turn out perfect while you jettison around, ignoring your role as the one to morally do the upbringing.
TV is a huge influence, I won’t deny that. But when you train your children right, they’ll always go for the good influences. I don’t think some of our politicians grew up watching shows on how to be fantastically corrupt, but here they are, doing just that.
Please, my fellow parents, let’s stop with these high levels of fuckery. Bring up your kids yourselves.
Happy Children’s Day to all the kids. They shall grow up to be better than we ever were. If you’re an adult and still believe watching a show about a transgender can influence kids and adults alike to change genders, then Happy Children’s Day to you too. The kid in you is forever stuck in mumu phase.
Written by Anyibaba