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The Unmysterious Case Of Yes And No During Sex

A few years ago, I had an experience where a guy came over to my place. We both knew the reason why he was coming. We were going to fuck. And it went on good for a while till it reached a point where I didn’t like the direction it was going. I told him to stop. I even tried to struggle against him but he just held me down, saying that he was about to cum. So I had to lie there while he had his way, and what was a good time turned into a small nightmare.

After it was over, I felt dirty, abused and distraught. I didn’t understand why. The sex was consensual. That was what my young mind thought.

But in truth it was not. It might have been at first, but once the guy forced me to lie there and endure him, it turned sour. I didn’t realise the extent of the wrongness of what happened until years later when reading an article likening consent to offering tea. That was when I finally understood.

You see, when it comes to sex, consent is everything!

Consent is very, very important to ensure that both of you have a fulfilling sexual encounter.

It seems to be a difficult concept for people to grasp, from what I’ve seen on the social media.

But in actual fact, it’s not. It’s either a very enthusiastic yes or no. Anything short of an enthusiastic yes at the given moment before and during a sexual encounter is a NO. Both parties have to be in a state of “yes” to make it consensual.

Yes means yes. No means no. Stop means stop.

If you’re someone who likes to have at it rough, let the other person know. Provide him/her with safe words in case you are reaching an intensity he isn’t comfortable with.

If a person says “Maybe” or generally doesn’t sound enthusiastic about what is going on or what you’re about to do, then stop if you have started or don’t do it at all. This might be a bit confusing but better to be safe. Not doing that thing won’t kill you.

Any impairment in judgement you are aware of should equal a “No” because, to be honest, that’s just taking advantage of the person. If the person was your crush since primary school and he/she offers himself on a silver platter while he is inebriated, that situation is a ‘No’ situation.

If the person is unconscious, don’t try to touch him.

And consent can be withdrawn even if it was given just a second ago. The withdrawal would be very valid. Yes, it could be annoying and you might want to continue, but you are not an animal. You are a human being with higher reasoning and self control.

Don’t assume that because the person said yes yesterday, it’s also a yes today.

Like I said, consent is a constant state of “yes”.

If you’re trying to be spontaneous with your partner and he’s not enthusiastic about the new thing you want to try, it’s better to stop. I’ve found that sometimes, when someone does something I’m uncomfortable with at first and the person stops and I’ve had time to process what the person did and found out I actually liked it, I’d ask for him to do it again.

The list could go on. I know it sounds cumbersome, but sex is between two people and it’s supposed to make two people feel good. It’s a beautiful thing but it can get ugly real quick. A good human being would care about making whatever shag/hookup they have something that the other person won’t look back on and feel tainted.

I like to tell myself that the whole thing with that guy wasn’t a big deal. It was just a night gone slightly wrong. I think it’s just a coping mechanism. It’s something I’ll have to deal with sooner or later because I’ve been reading a psychology text and it’s detailed the power of the subconscious.

I can’t imagine how people who have had it worse than me feel.

I also believe we have a sublime (or is it full blown?) rape culture here in Nigeria. Don’t believe me? Listen to Olamide’s Story For The Gods. After singing about getting high/drunk with dongoyaro and monkey tail, he proceeds to tell us how the girl says she wants to go home, that it’s getting late and he says story for the gods. Then she says he’s causing her pain and it’s still story for the gods.

But of course, most Nigerians don’t listen to lyrics. They like the beat, so they dance to the music, inadvertently celebrating how he showed a girl he was the boss. If anybody heard it, nobody talks about it. It’s just a song, they say. What does it say about us allowing a song like that to grace our speakers?

I’ve heard guys say that if they spend money on a girl and she doesn’t put out, they will just find a way to have their way with her even if she doesn’t want to. Talking about how she can’t chop his money and just go. I’ve heard a female agree to this thinking.

We need help.

Written by IBK


About shakespeareanwalter

Walt Shakes(@Walt_Shakes) is an award-winning Nigerian writer, poet and veteran blogger. He is a lover of the written word. the faint whiff of nature, the flashing vista of movies, the warmth of companionship and the happy sound of laughter.

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13 comments

  1. Can consent be withdrawn in the heat of the moment?

    • And it went on good for a while till it reached a point where I didn’t like the direction it was going. I told him to stop. I even tried to struggle against him but he just held me down, saying that he was about to cum. So I had to lie there while he had his way, and what was a good time turned into a small nightmare.’

      That was the heat of the moment. And that was consent withdrawn, and ignored.

      • I know it was withdrawn in the post above. Is it right? See sex as a contract,do you break up a contract in the middle just like that without expecting a backlash?

        I’ve read multiple articles saying sex should be stopped once consent is withdrawn but is that practically possible in all conditions? If consent is withdrawn at the very peak of climax, do you just pack it up or give one final thrust? Will it still count as rape if I gave that final thrust? There are lots of grey areas we should address and not leave it as no consent, no sex.

        For those circling to devour me, I’m no advocate of rape but advocating for the grey areas.

        • I think you make a mistake seeing sex as a contract. In fact its wrong to see it as a contract. It’s not. Agreeing to have sex is not where it ends. That’s why it can turn to abuse/rape midway.

          It’s good you are aware of the Grey areas.. They however shouldn’t be used as an excuse. Be aware of them and do what you can pre-coitus and during coitus.

          that’s what I’m advocating for.. Being aware that the other person is a human and the state of Flux a human can be.

          • Contract might have been a poor analogy. In the example I gave above, will delivering that final thrust after consent has been withdrawn count as rape?

  2. And just like the devil, konji is another scapegoat mankind would like to blame for all his sexual indiscretions.

  3. It’s actually going to be difficult to stop in the heat of the moment when you like the person or when you’re almost getting there. That said, it’s important that one always takes their partner into consideration during or even before sex. I can’t imagine having sex with someone who really doesn’t want it. It reveals a serious lack of empathy and animalistic tendency in the person. I also believe pornography has something to do with this. When you’ve watched too much porn and have accepted those stunts as truths, you’ll begin to interpret every NO as a YES. Every right-thinking person should take consent seriously even though emotions can be funny.

  4. God bless whoever wrote this.

  5. one word. Selfishness. Caring too much about your pleasure and too little about your partner’s pain.

    one word…

  6. Wow.

    The Olamide song… I had no idea. That’s horrid.

  7. Unfortunately, this isn’t as easy as the article makes it seem.

    Personally, I have stopped at the hear of the moment when my partners asked me to stop. As someone who derives most of his pleasure from giving it, I closely monitor body languages and facial expressions whys reaffirm that I’m still allowed to go forward.

    That said, I realise that most people are not like me. Most people do not pay as close an attention to their partners as I do, and not just because they’re selfish.

    Sexual consent before the act is as clear-cut YES or NO as they come but once the act commences, you enter a zone that has more shades than Grey.

  8. Nice, consent is everything…………..when you say yes to it whatever happens ur mind is at peace cos u agreed but when its a no anything other than that makes u feel violated, i have had dirty experience that i consented to and to me its fine but when i less dirty ones that i didnt consent to still make me feel bad about the experience and regrets set it ……… #True… u just made me stop loving olamide

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