A few years ago, I had an experience where a guy came over to my place. We both knew the reason why he was coming. We were going to fuck. And it went on good for a while till it reached a point where I didn’t like the direction it was going. I told him to stop. I even tried to struggle against him but he just held me down, saying that he was about to cum. So I had to lie there while he had his way, and what was a good time turned into a small nightmare.
After it was over, I felt dirty, abused and distraught. I didn’t understand why. The sex was consensual. That was what my young mind thought.
But in truth it was not. It might have been at first, but once the guy forced me to lie there and endure him, it turned sour. I didn’t realise the extent of the wrongness of what happened until years later when reading an article likening consent to offering tea. That was when I finally understood.
You see, when it comes to sex, consent is everything!
Consent is very, very important to ensure that both of you have a fulfilling sexual encounter.
It seems to be a difficult concept for people to grasp, from what I’ve seen on the social media.
But in actual fact, it’s not. It’s either a very enthusiastic yes or no. Anything short of an enthusiastic yes at the given moment before and during a sexual encounter is a NO. Both parties have to be in a state of “yes” to make it consensual.
Yes means yes. No means no. Stop means stop.
If you’re someone who likes to have at it rough, let the other person know. Provide him/her with safe words in case you are reaching an intensity he isn’t comfortable with.
If a person says “Maybe” or generally doesn’t sound enthusiastic about what is going on or what you’re about to do, then stop if you have started or don’t do it at all. This might be a bit confusing but better to be safe. Not doing that thing won’t kill you.
Any impairment in judgement you are aware of should equal a “No” because, to be honest, that’s just taking advantage of the person. If the person was your crush since primary school and he/she offers himself on a silver platter while he is inebriated, that situation is a ‘No’ situation.
If the person is unconscious, don’t try to touch him.
And consent can be withdrawn even if it was given just a second ago. The withdrawal would be very valid. Yes, it could be annoying and you might want to continue, but you are not an animal. You are a human being with higher reasoning and self control.
Don’t assume that because the person said yes yesterday, it’s also a yes today.
Like I said, consent is a constant state of “yes”.
If you’re trying to be spontaneous with your partner and he’s not enthusiastic about the new thing you want to try, it’s better to stop. I’ve found that sometimes, when someone does something I’m uncomfortable with at first and the person stops and I’ve had time to process what the person did and found out I actually liked it, I’d ask for him to do it again.
The list could go on. I know it sounds cumbersome, but sex is between two people and it’s supposed to make two people feel good. It’s a beautiful thing but it can get ugly real quick. A good human being would care about making whatever shag/hookup they have something that the other person won’t look back on and feel tainted.
I like to tell myself that the whole thing with that guy wasn’t a big deal. It was just a night gone slightly wrong. I think it’s just a coping mechanism. It’s something I’ll have to deal with sooner or later because I’ve been reading a psychology text and it’s detailed the power of the subconscious.
I can’t imagine how people who have had it worse than me feel.
I also believe we have a sublime (or is it full blown?) rape culture here in Nigeria. Don’t believe me? Listen to Olamide’s Story For The Gods. After singing about getting high/drunk with dongoyaro and monkey tail, he proceeds to tell us how the girl says she wants to go home, that it’s getting late and he says story for the gods. Then she says he’s causing her pain and it’s still story for the gods.
But of course, most Nigerians don’t listen to lyrics. They like the beat, so they dance to the music, inadvertently celebrating how he showed a girl he was the boss. If anybody heard it, nobody talks about it. It’s just a song, they say. What does it say about us allowing a song like that to grace our speakers?
I’ve heard guys say that if they spend money on a girl and she doesn’t put out, they will just find a way to have their way with her even if she doesn’t want to. Talking about how she can’t chop his money and just go. I’ve heard a female agree to this thinking.
We need help.
Written by IBK