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The Offshore Diaries

So here’s the skinny on what I plan to do with this so called offshore diaries. I plan to tell stories and/or the ramblings on my mind, from the other half of my life. The half spent at sea. You may not glean eureka-like wisdom from whatever I write and sometimes it may not make sense. Hell, I do not really have a vision 2020 road-map agenda and goal in starting this. But I sure know I haven’t had rest since I realized there’s a life out here, albeit mostly work, that is worth writing about.

I get a thousand-and-forty-six-point-two-four questions when I explain to people that my job involves being at sea. What is it like? Are you not scared? Helicopter ke? Boat ride? Una dey see mami water? Pirates nko? What is the food like? How does your wife or girlfriend cope? Can you swim? What exactly do you do? Una dey catch fish? What kind of jobs do they have there?

And the biggest of all: I heard offshore guys are usually randy, is that true?

The list goes on and on. I shall maybe attempt to answer a few of these questions by chronicling how we live here, and if it answers your question, bless you, brother/sister. If it doesn’t, na why na diary, no be exam.

As a master of procrastination, the entries in this diary may not come frequently (make e no be say I no talk am on time. After all, the first entry in this diary should have been done weeks ago). Internet here is sometimes worse than Globacom (yeah! I said it), and some days are so busy that the first thing a son of man is thinking of doing at the end of his shift isn’t writing, but sleeping. Also, I shall be vague with names and certain descriptions to protect the identities of whoever is involved, except they give me express permission to do so.

In conclusion – make the first entry no too long – one of the biggest things I have learnt as a result of this job is that no one knows tomorrow. I know it is one of the most rehashed sayings, but when you go from planning to simply be an MC, Humor writer, Yes man and entertainer, to becoming the one they call “injinia” when you visit your hometown, the depth of wisdom in that saying is singed indelibly in your heart.

I never planned to be here. But seeing as I am here and have been doing this for years, I might as well write about it.

My name is Uncle Stephen.

This is my Diary.

Stephen Eke, who prefers to be called Uncle Stephen, is an engineer who most times works off an offshore rig in far-flung places in Nigeria but pens humorous stories about life, love, work, family and God on his blog, homeofhumor.com, when his supervisor isn’t watching and his village people untie his muse.


About shakespeareanwalter

Walt Shakes(@Walt_Shakes) is an award-winning Nigerian writer, poet and veteran blogger. He is a lover of the written word. the faint whiff of nature, the flashing vista of movies, the warmth of companionship and the happy sound of laughter.

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5 comments

  1. Here’s something I’m sure I’ll have fun reading. 🙂

  2. Lol. SO this onye ara has found his way here. Chai, MMS is in trouble!

  3. Yay. St. Stephen The Weyrey is here!!!!! Bring it, babay!!!!

  4. Looking forward to this especially the part where you explain why you guys are too randy

  5. Lemme goan buy pop corn. Ngwa let’s roll.

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