FOREWORD: It is finally here, ladies and gentlemen, that hilarious and thoroughly entertaining new series by a friend of mine, Onuora. And no, it is not fiction, though the incredulity you’ll feel from reading this will make you wish it was. Here’s the debut episode. Read, be entertained and don’t forget to sound off in the comments section.
It is said that anyone can be annoying given the right circumstances, and in a sense it is very true. You, reading this, have annoyed someone before, or many times, just as you have also been pushed to the wall by another individual. These things are normal and expected, as human relationships are sometimes complex, and it is not always easy to understand and be patient with one another.
That being said…
Remember those parts in Taken 1, 2 and 3, where Liam Neeson is in the zone and he gets this low, lazy drawl in is voice as he lets the guy on the other end of the phone know he is coming for him before dinner, and he won’t be bringing indomie and egg for him? That is how I feel sometimes when I open my mailbox, get pings, calls and texts from people, wanting me to design something for them.
Oh right. I forgot to mention that I am a graphic designer.
Yes, I am a picture guy, a web thingy guy.
That guy that does graphical graphic sontin.
That guy that watches cartoon.
That guy that does Photoshop.
That guy that can make you look like James Bond.
Thunder fire you there! I said I am a designer, not a magician.
You are part of the problem of the current administration in the country. I mean this design community. It is you I am going to be writing about. Why? Because I am tired and frustrated, and this is catharsis. It could also be because I have nothing cool to watch on TV and I cannot sleep…because I spent all day and night, for two days straight, working on a design for another client I also want to kill…sigh. Deep breaths, Onuora. Deep calming breaths.
Yes, my father named me Onuora. Maybe he envisioned what I would spend my time doing. If you are laughing or nodding your head at that statement, I repeat: thunder fire you there. I am male. The only reason I feel the need to state this categorically is because these days you cannot tell who is male, who is female, who is both, and who has not decided which to be. Also, in the course of this series (I forgot to mention that too); I may display certain behavioural traits that will cause you to wonder if I am truly male, female or even human. Now that that is out of the way, I want to share an example of my sorrows in design.
A client once asked me to revamp his logo. He had been on my case for months about it. The first few weeks were pings about how much I charge. I told him. He then spent another set of weeks trying to get me to reduce the fee. I baulked. I needed the cash and I was tired of reading about how when Mungo Park discovered the Naija; it led to him being broke!
I eventually got on top of things and handed him his design.
NA DIA WAHALA COME AND GO AND START.
The man, who initially said he did not have any concept in mind and wanted me to use my discretion to “create a masterpiece”, suddenly knew what he wanted. I no talk. I took my design and reworked it.
NA DIA SECOND WAHALA START.
Now, his issue this time was that it was too-this or too-that, this coming from the same guy who said this was exactly what he wanted oh! Now it is an issue? I no talk. I mean I swore for him and might have prayed he falls into a ditch or something…maybe, but I no talk. I am nice like that. I made the changes and brought it back to him.
NA DIA THIRD WAHALA START.
Brother changer talk say de design no come sweet again. Kai! I wanted to kill him. Lord knows I wanted to kill him, so badly. It was an earnest desire of mine that would have filled me with much joy. But I did not. I am nice like that. He asked for one last change which I did.
NA DIA JOHN SNOW DIE.
This dude had the nerve to tell me that he wants his former design, and that I should just add a few things and edit one or two things out of it, that he had decided the original was the best thing. Have you ever watched any of the Our Own Area cartoons? It is a Nigerian production. Very funny. There is usually this point in the cartoon where the music changes and then something big occurs that changes the tempo and direction of things. It is like something goes ‘ping’ and then kasala bursts. I had my ping moment when he said that to me.
The result is we have not spoken since then. I learned many valuable lessons that day, one of which is that sometimes, when your instinct comes to murder, you might want to be sure before you ignore it.
Written by Onuora, tweets @iamaiyke