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THE MATRIX WITHOUT LOADING

FOREWORD: It is finally here, ladies and gentlemen, that hilarious and thoroughly entertaining new series by a friend of mine, Onuora. And no, it is not fiction, though the incredulity you’ll feel from reading this will make you wish it was. Here’s the debut episode. Read, be entertained and don’t forget to sound off in the comments section.

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It is said that anyone can be annoying given the right circumstances, and in a sense it is very true. You, reading this, have annoyed someone before, or many times, just as you have also been pushed to the wall by another individual. These things are normal and expected, as human relationships are sometimes complex, and it is not always easy to understand and be patient with one another.

That being said…

Remember those parts in Taken 1, 2 and 3, where Liam Neeson is in the zone and he gets this low, lazy drawl in is voice as he lets the guy on the other end of the phone know he is coming for him before dinner, and he won’t be bringing indomie and egg for him? That is how I feel sometimes when I open my mailbox, get pings, calls and texts from people, wanting me to design something for them.

Oh right. I forgot to mention that I am a graphic designer.

Yes, I am a picture guy, a web thingy guy.

That guy that does graphical graphic sontin.

That guy that watches cartoon.

That guy that does Photoshop.

That guy that can make you look like James Bond.

Thunder fire you there! I said I am a designer, not a magician.

You are part of the problem of the current administration in the country. I mean this design community. It is you I am going to be writing about. Why? Because I am tired and frustrated, and this is catharsis. It could also be because I have nothing cool to watch on TV and I cannot sleep…because I spent all day and night, for two days straight, working on a design for another client I also want to kill…sigh. Deep breaths, Onuora. Deep calming breaths.

Yes, my father named me Onuora. Maybe he envisioned what I would spend my time doing. If you are laughing or nodding your head at that statement, I repeat: thunder fire you there. I am male. The only reason I feel the need to state this categorically is because these days you cannot tell who is male, who is female, who is both, and who has not decided which to be. Also, in the course of this series (I forgot to mention that too); I may display certain behavioural traits that will cause you to wonder if I am truly male, female or even human. Now that that is out of the way, I want to share an example of my sorrows in design.

A client once asked me to revamp his logo. He had been on my case for months about it. The first few weeks were pings about how much I charge. I told him. He then spent another set of weeks trying to get me to reduce the fee. I baulked. I needed the cash and I was tired of reading about how when Mungo Park discovered the Naija; it led to him being broke!

I eventually got on top of things and handed him his design.

NA DIA WAHALA COME AND GO AND START.

The man, who initially said he did not have any concept in mind and wanted me to use my discretion to “create a masterpiece”, suddenly knew what he wanted. I no talk. I took my design and reworked it.

NA DIA SECOND WAHALA START.

Now, his issue this time was that it was too-this or too-that, this coming from the same guy who said this was exactly what he wanted oh! Now it is an issue? I no talk. I mean I swore for him and might have prayed he falls into a ditch or something…maybe, but I no talk. I am nice like that. I made the changes and brought it back to him.

NA DIA THIRD WAHALA START.

Brother changer talk say de design no come sweet again. Kai! I wanted to kill him. Lord knows I wanted to kill him, so badly. It was an earnest desire of mine that would have filled me with much joy. But I did not. I am nice like that. He asked for one last change which I did.

NA DIA JOHN SNOW DIE.

This dude had the nerve to tell me that he wants his former design, and that I should just add a few things and edit one or two things out of it, that he had decided the original was the best thing. Have you ever watched any of the Our Own Area cartoons? It is a Nigerian production. Very funny. There is usually this point in the cartoon where the music changes and then something big occurs that changes the tempo and direction of things. It is like something goes ‘ping’ and then kasala bursts. I had my ping moment when he said that to me.

The result is we have not spoken since then. I learned many valuable lessons that day, one of which is that sometimes, when your instinct comes to murder, you might want to be sure before you ignore it.

Written by Onuora, tweets @iamaiyke


About shakespeareanwalter

Walt Shakes(@Walt_Shakes) is an award-winning Nigerian writer, poet and veteran blogger. He is a lover of the written word. the faint whiff of nature, the flashing vista of movies, the warmth of companionship and the happy sound of laughter.

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37 comments

  1. I knew it!!!!! All those secret wall posts between una!!! :/ :/

    Yay!!!!!!!

  2. This seems like Jesus’ temptation by the devil after his 40days fast. LMAO.

  3. Another serial killer…oh look…a friend of wally’s…nice write up.

  4. Lols…sorry you hear…vex but small tiny one oh.

  5. Hahahahahahahahahahahahaa!!! Another ‘humourist’. Chai this Onuora guy is a clown sha.
    Chika Jones, you just got competition on MMS

  6. Hahahaha. Some people are not just satisfiable

  7. That client is nice sef. The ones we have will look at a well created design and say ‘is this the best you can do? There is no creativity in this’.

    Pele. Try to keep sharp objects away from you when talking to them.

  8. I really love MMS, I really do. The humour I get from this blog is unquantifiable. Nice debut onuora, finally we get to read about all these YA customers them wey wan transform you to serial killer.

  9. Bros ALWAYS ask for your money upfront, that way you can still have your money and commit murder. You know murder is not a crime in Nigeria, the murderers are never caught and the police is always on top of the situation. LMAO! Walter show me your friends and I’ll tell you who you are ! *tongueout

  10. Oh, you poor dear!! Lol!!

  11. Sorry Oga hot temper! Another humour column

  12. First wahala, second and then third. Na for the third one you for just deal with the guy like that.

  13. And u let him live?!! U are a strong one,Onu….
    Not sure I can o…by d third change ehn?!!

  14. love. love. love…

  15. Hahahhaha! Isn’t dia God?

  16. Hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahhahahahahahahaha! ? ? ?!
    Naija cartoon kwa!
    Abeg I can not fit to laugh dis early momo o! ? ? ?
    Really hilarious. Expecting more o! Hehehehe!!!

  17. Hehehehehehehe! If I was in your shoes, after the 2nd trial, I’d have killed him and tossed his body inside the lagoon. Eediat!

  18. Don’t mind the maga…ndi ara…lol.

  19. Nice. I just hope you charged him for every single adjustment…And can’t one laugh or nod head in peace? Why all the thundering firing? Is it raining or what?

  20. Fix it, Lord Jesus. These clients tempt the patience of a saint.

  21. A sneak peak into Mr Onu’s job. Exciting. Walter ayam loyal oh

  22. I’ve learnt that it pays to be somewhat arrogant to customers if you know that you are really very good at what you do. It reduces your chances of committing murder, cos only the serious people will come to you.

  23. Lol…
    The vex enter your blood no be small.
    As for Fidelity, all na rebranding.

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