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THE MATRIX WITHOUT LOADING (Edition 4)

Some of you have no idea who a graphic designer is, so let me educate you. No need to thank me. I’m considerate and sexy that way.

Graphic Designer (n): That person nobody listens to, and has a lesser understanding of his job than everyone else.

E.g.

1. Client: “Seriously, you’re not a designer at all. If you were, you would know that these colours blend well together. What’s bad in combining neon green, lilac and this dark red for the company logo?”

2. Client: “Who told you that combination is bad? See, I also know how to use Photoshop.”

Designer: “But this isn’t Photoshop –”

Client: “Just do it. Is it not my design?”

3. Client: “I have heard you. Do it like that. It’s my company logo, isn’t it? I want it this way.”

*two days later*

Client: “It seems this thing is not working. People are not liking it.  Couldn’t you have told me it’s not okay that way? Aren’t you supposed to be the expert?”

4. Designer: “Since it’s for youths, you need to use vibrant colours. Colours like orange, yellow and a lighter shade of green, and all such are colours we can pick from or combine effectively.”

Client: “No, use black and brown. I prefer those two colours. Are the youths the ones who are running the show? They are just participants joor.”

5. Client: “This logo is not really fine.”

Designer: “OK. Let’s do this. Take it to your people and let them see it. Then give me feedback on how it was received.”

*three days later*

Client: “Wow! It’s beautiful. They love it!”

6. Client: “Can we change the design? My aunty doesn’t think it’s working.”

Designer: “What does your aunt do for a living?”

Client: “She owns a shop on my street where she sells provisions.”

7. Client: “How is the copy too long? Abeg put it all there. They need to see everything.”

*next day*

Client: “Why didn’t you tell me that the words are too many? Don’t you know your job?”

*sends over screenshot of chat and email with client*

Client: “So you copied the chat? Is that good? Is that not childish and unprofessional?”

Graphic Designer (n): That person who is often expected to do the impossible or unreasonable.

E.g.

1. Client: “I like this picture of him standing, but turn it into him sitting.”

Designer: “If you want a man sitting, then let’s get an image of a man sitting.”

Client: “No, I want this one but I want him sitting.”

Designer: “The image bank may have pictures of him seated.  That makes more sense to use, than making a man sit. Besides that is impossible.  You can manipulate things but you cannot make him sit.”

Client: “OK. Check for an image, but remember that it is this one I want. So let it be this exact image but of him seated.”

Designer: “You can’t have this one and an image of him sitting at the same time. It may be the same model but he won’t be doing the same thing or look the same way per se.”

Client: “Then make him sit. Don’t you know how to use Photoshop?”

2. Client: “Make this image bolder.”

Designer: “You cannot make an image bold.  You can increase or decrease or treat it in some way, but boldness is not something you can do.”

3. Client: “I want this image to look sexy.”

Designer: “How does one do that? What does that even mean?”

4. Client: “I want her to look like a white woman. Shey you can do it with Photoshop?”

Designer: “If you want a white woman, why not get a white woman? WHY MAKE A BLACK WOMAN LOOK LIKE A WHITE WOMAN?”

Client: “You’re the expert, you should know.”

5. Client: “Make the colour purplish.”

Designer: “You mean you want purple?”

Client: “No, not purple. Purplish. You should know what I mean. It’s like purple but it’s not purple.”

Designer: “You mean, like a shade of purple?”

Client: “No, not a shade. Make it purplish. Why do you like purple so much?”

4. Client: “Make the colour blacker.”

Designer: “There’s no such thing as “blacker”, and this is the darkest shade of black one can use.”

Client: “What are you saying? Is my shirt not blacker than this colour on the screen?”

#Sigh.

Written by Onuora


About shakespeareanwalter

Walt Shakes(@Walt_Shakes) is an award-winning Nigerian writer, poet and veteran blogger. He is a lover of the written word. the faint whiff of nature, the flashing vista of movies, the warmth of companionship and the happy sound of laughter.

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15 comments

  1. ??????

    Bia Nwokem, why don’t you know ya job na? You’re supposed to be an expert o!

    Kai! ?? clients can frustrate somebody

  2. Udegbunam Chukwudi

    The patience some peeps exhibit never ceases to amaze me. I for don waka this goat commot my office tey tey. Hian! The Gods of Frustration were definitely working overtime on oga graphic designer.

  3. Hian! I kee tha idiat client as he is stee toking. What nansense?

  4. lol….I like the part about making the guy sit..
    seriously, Photoshop to some people is a magic application used to animate someone in a pic. smh!

  5. OMG lol….. some people sha, i went to interview one girl, she was telling me what to do and what not to with MY camera (she knows nothing about a camera). This is one funny post.

  6. Patience is ya name

  7. Hehehe…I know this feeling. I get this same stuff with my clients. The Lord is your muscle.

  8. Make it purplish, blacker. You are the expert.

  9. See, you don’t know ya job!! Is simpu!!
    We have Black, Blackish, Blacker and Blackest!! Very simpu sontin!!
    #yimu

  10. Lol..
    How about an internship?
    I’m sure I could learn a thing or two about patience.

  11. HIAN!! Biko, make it purplish blacker!! Are you not the professional again?!

  12. I feel you jor. Most of these clients are graphic designers you know. They are just doing you a favour by giving you stuff to design for them.

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