One of the things about being a designer as upsome and sexy as I am (shut up before you-know-what will fire you there) is that I not only have to deal with crazy clients, I also have to deal with nutters in my own field too. Or at the very least some who come across as nutters. I mean this entire industry is full of crazies. Kai!
One day, I decided that I had had enough of people asking me to please teach them design. I decided to start a design seminar and tutor people. For a fee, of course. I no come Lakos come look fryover. I decided that I would tutor them on the basics of design and some advanced techniques, for eight weekends. I also decided to charge them 10,000 Naira each.
Now, for those of you gasping, you know that was madness. No one in his right mind would undertake such a task for such a measly sum. Even the most gracious of designers would tell you that you’re an idiot to do that. I was. Perhaps it is because I envisioned myself as a recipient of the Nobel Peace Prize for Mother-Theresaness.
People were excited.
People were making noise about it.
People were telling their friends.
I don console myself say I dey lend service to humanity and my bank account go at least swell small. I am not so desperate for money that I would lose sleep if it was by only a few tens of thousands. I no see shi-shi. After everything, no one actually stepped up to the plate. OK one person did and that did not end well. But I did not lose sleep about that either. Life goes on. Everything was fine.
I was farting in the morning, afternoon and at night.
I was playing my videogames and reading my comic books.
Bleach and Naruto did not stop.
House of Representa-thieves were still looting and acting like juveniles.
Price of fuel was still dancing skelewu.
Boys were still chasing girls and girls were still wearing fake bums and push-up bras.
All was right in the solar system.
UNTIL SHE CAME ALONG!
Why is it always a female who destroys the natural order of things in this universe? One woman came, and since then everybody has been suffering. Ki lo de?
She said she wanted to learn design. She was enthusiastic and said she heard all about my classes and wanted to be part of it all. She sent me her portfolio and told me she was ready to learn under a master. She wanted me to be her sensei. I agreed and we set it all in motion. I don type bank account details, na then she drop the bomb.
“So, when does the eight-month course start?”
“Ehn? Sorry, I did not get that. Could you say that again?”
“The classes – when do they start?”
“I got that part. I did not understand the part about eight months.”
“Ehn, is it no eight months?”
“No. It. Is. Not.”
“OK. How long is it?”
“It is eight weekends, not months.”
“Ahhhh! Eight weekends for ten thousand naira? That’s too much now. How can that work?”
“How is it too much?”
“Yes now. The money is too much for that short time. I thought it was eight months. I can’t pay that much for just eight weekends.”
“No wahala. I cannot teach you for eight months. How much time, energy and resources does ten thousand naira cover for eight months? Have you thought of the fuel and my time? I am going to teach you a skill to make you not only better yourself but position you for bigger clients and bigger pay, and you want me to do that for ten thousand naira? The fee most folks charge is even from 30,000 naira upwards, if they are feeling generous. Others take 80k.”
“The money is too much.”
“Really? How much do you charge for a design, and you want to use this chance to learn what will give you even more money, but want to pay less than 10,000 naira? I am doing you folks a big favour here for such a small fee.”
“No. I know someone who does it for less than 10,000.”
And under my breath, I said: ‘Please go to him. The Lord bless you both, together forever. Amen.’
And that is why I do not teach anyone design anymore. The End!
Written by Onuora