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THE MATRIX WITHOUT LOADING (Edition 2)

I was at Spar awhile back. At the entrance, I positioned myself to be scanned with their nonsense something goes peeeeeeen! I got there with my laptop bag, and a white dude came up after me. My bag was open for inspection, but the “security guy” bypassed me, and went on to scan the oyibo man.

For the first time in my life, I was annoyed to not be stereotyped. How dare this guy ignore me and favor the white man? I was not only there before him; I am black for goodness sake!

My ancestors were black too! We are all scoundrels and thieves and deserve to be eyed with suspicion and treated like vagabonds.

My bag should have been searched twice, then thrice more, then sniffed by with dogs looking for cocaine, and then with a mechanized juju detector, smoke-and-bomb detecting derectorizing, detector device thingy, a pastor and six priests.

What kind of ridiculous marginalization was that? Imagine. No respect for a potential thief anymore. Thunder fire all of them there! Rubbish! Nonsense and ingredients! See their heads like Fidelity Bank’s new logo. Stewpid nonsense!

It’s bad enough that I was ignored for a white man who was behind me, but to be ignored even when I am a demonic, devil-worshiping miscreant who will destroy the world is totally unacceptable.

This reminds me of that wannabe-client I shall name Miss Spar. Imagine implying that as a designer, I should charge her 2500 Naira to design a logo, business card, print them out and deliver all to her doorstep. You see how people just go and acquire curses for themselves?

So, I resemble odé, atink? No be my mate wey design that nonsense Infidelity Bank logo, come make money wey fit drown me? Then na me wey wan design for you for 2500? The spirit was strong in that sister, wallai!

To her, as a Nigerian, I didn’t “deserve” to charge as much as I did, and her ridiculous fee and expectation made sense too. To her, if I had been white, I could charge that much, but since I’m black, I don’t have much to offer, so I should not be acting as if my work is on par with that of the oyibo. To her, I am a local champion, so why I dey find big money? I don’t know why I shouldn’t just become a hired assassin. It would be so fulfilling to kill some people, walahi.

Make she day dia dey wait for who go design world class logo for am, plus business card with 2500 Naira. Her miracle is on the way. Let her take it! It is hers! Mtchewwww! Abeg, make I chop my semo and egusi. At least it doesn’t mind that I am black.

Bhet mehn, that security guard deserves some slaps…

Written by Onuora, tweets @iamaiyke


About shakespeareanwalter

Walt Shakes(@Walt_Shakes) is an award-winning Nigerian writer, poet and veteran blogger. He is a lover of the written word. the faint whiff of nature, the flashing vista of movies, the warmth of companionship and the happy sound of laughter.

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12 comments

  1. ROTFLMAO!!!! So this Onuora dey vex for this Fidelity Bank palava too? Chai! Fidelity Bank, how could you spring such infidelity on us?

  2. Hahahahahahahahaha! Onu sef…Fidelity bank vex u well well o! Is it a crime dat they want to look more welcoming and antiseptic..soaplike…? Wait! What did I just type?

  3. Lmao.
    2500 for business logo? She think say na to print and photocopy? That is how some people would be inviting murder into their lives without knowing it

  4. That Miss Spar sef. N2500? She should have collected the job free now or used Adobe Pagemaker kowai!!!! Amadioha mapukwa ya ishi nga ahu!!! Nonsense and in between!!!

  5. I like their new logo o!!
    *dodging shoes*

  6. Bhet who does that miss Spar think she is? She was now tempting to have herself murdered.

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