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THE JOURNAL: I’m Never Ever Getting Back Together With Konga

Dear Diary

Konga.com and I had a tumultuous three-week relationship.

We broke up.

And now, I’m certain that we are never ever getting back together.

Here’s what happened.

It started with a book, A Handful Of Dust. Yes, that anthology that Farafina published for the creative writing workshop class of 2013. The book is on sale on Konga.com. And my cousin, who stays in the UK, wanted to have a copy. So naturally, the plan became this: I would purchase the book, and his friend who was on a short visit to Nigeria from London would retrieve it from me and get it back to him upon his return abroad.

Easy-peasy, right?

Wrong.

But I was not to know this at the time.

So I clicked onto Konga.com, opened and account and went about the business of purchasing A Handful Of Dust. Price was N1500, and at the checkout, the total amount I was going to get billed was N2000. I clicked on ‘Pay Upon Delivery’ and signed out. Prompt emails were sent to my email address, informing me of my purchase and the fact that delivery would happen in seven working days, and furnishing me with an order number. It was Monday evening; I was looking at getting the book on Wednesday. All was well with the world.

I am no novice to the art of online shopping, and so I knew that with the approach of the date of delivery, I was supposed to be getting emails alerting me to the imminent delivery. Mails that go with subject tags such as: WALTER, YOUR ORDER HAS BEEN SHIPPED… WALTER, YOUR ORDER IS ON ITS WAY TO YOU… WALTER, IF WE DON’T BRING YOUR ORDER TO YOU, WHO WILL?

I got none of these email alerts. But I waited until Wednesday to call the Konga customer service to know if my order was still on track. The very chirpy girl who took my call took a glance at her monitor and was instantly sorry to let me know that my order was still being processed.

Like, WTF! This was the seventh working day after my purchase and it was still being processed?! However, I didn’t get unduly upset by this news. I took it in stride, and asked what could be done. The chirpy girl told me she’d get to work on processing it. Feeling as though I had to do something to hasten things along, I asked her if I could have the number of whoever would be delivering the item to me. Perhaps I could call him and meet him halfway in obtaining my book from him. She conceded and promptly rattled off the eleven digits for me. The moment I disconnected from her, I called the number. A man answered. When I informed him of my reason for calling, he told me he’d call me back the next morning, that he couldn’t do anything about my order that evening. I didn’t expect any other response, so I conceded.

Wednesday passed.

The next morning, when I recalled that I was supposed to get a call, it was past 10am. Thinking that perhaps the man had forgotten, I called him. He answered and I started again with my case. He interrupted me halfway, to inform me that he was held in traffic, and he’d call me back later in the evening. I didn’t dwell on the issue that entire day, and so it didn’t cross my mind that he didn’t get back to me in the evening.

And Thursday passed.

Friday dawned with my cousin’s reminder that his friend would be leaving Nigeria by the following Monday. So I was determined to get to the bottom of this issue, come rain or shine. I called the man again. I felt a slight sliver of déjà vu run through me as we started again from the beginning: me introducing myself, embarking on the explanation of my issue, and him interrupting me to tell me he’d call me back later.

Oh no, mister! This is not Thursday Walter. This is Friday Walter. And Friday Walter is not going to be so easily brushed aside.

I interrupted him with a sharp reminder that he’d given me the exact same line three times already, and that it had gotten old. He needed to listen to me, and let me know if my problem was what he can fix; if it wasn’t, he’d have to let me know what I could do next. He quickly backpedaled and calmed down to listen to my narrative, from start to finish. Then he told me he’d look into it.

I hung up. Feeling dissatisfied with his response, which seemed a little too pat for me, I called the customer service. It was a male who answered this time. I related my issue to him. He checked up on it and was instantly sorry to let me know that my order was still being processed.

JESUS, GOD OF MARY, MOTHER AND JACOB!

Hadn’t that chirpy girl told me she would fix this? Why was my order still being processed at more than seven working days after purchase? WTF was wrong with all these people! I was starting to get angry, and it leaked into my voice. The man on the other end must have heard it, because he continued with that irritating contriteness, assuring me very profusely that he would get right on this.

I couldn’t deal! I just couldn’t deal with all these ‘I’ll get right on it’! Feeling impatient and wanting to light a fire under someone’s ass, I called the delivery guy once again. When he said ‘Hello’ in that faintly-befuddled, ‘who is this calling’ voice, I knew he hadn’t been doing anything for me. Mining for patience within me, I reminded him of my issue, and he replied with: “Ehen! There is the number of someone I will give you in Konga mall who will settle your case sharp-sharp!”

Unbelievable! Na me buy, na me dey runs make the thing reach me. Since when did I have to do anything other than to relax on my chaise lounge and wait for my order to get to me?

But no shaking o. I asked him for the number of this person in Konga mall, and he said he’d text it to me. It took thirty minutes and three calls, which he screened off, before he texted me an eleven digit number that I called. And I got the mechanical ‘Welcome to Konga dot com, Nigeria’s largest online mall.’ The idiot had given me another customer service number!

Anger of monumental proportions began building up inside me, cresting and crashing inside me like the waves of the Atlantic. I called the customer service with a thinly-restrained desire to draw blood, and it was with sheer effort that I responded civilly when someone answered my call and wanted to know what he could do for me. However, I did not hide my disappointment. I made sure the person I was speaking to knew that I was one customer who wasn’t going to return once my current business with the mall was over and done with. He started again with the apologies. I cut him short with a terse ‘I don’t want an apology. I want some action.’ He promised he’d –

‘Get right on it,’ I finished for him. ‘Yes, I’ve been hearing that a lot these past few hours.’

He added that the customer service would call me back within minutes with a solution, before we disconnected. Feeling disheartened, I carried on with my day. Minutes later, I got a text from Konga, letting me know that I now had a new order number and that my order would be right with me. Feeling marginally better, I resumed with work. Three minutes later, my good mood vanished when the customer service called me. This time, it was another girl. And she told me, very tentatively, that they’d had to cancel my order because of processing issues and that I would have to re-order the book. Feeling the reemergence of my temper, I asked, “And that will mean another seven working days?”

The girl let a pause go by before tentatively saying, “I’m sorry about that, Mr. Walter.”

You know when you get to a position of so much exasperation that you do not even have the energy to get angry anymore, and all you have left is sheer exhaustion? Well, at this point on Friday afternoon, I was exhausted. I didn’t blow up. I didn’t yell. I didn’t cuss. I simply told the girl that I’d get right on with it. She was thanking me for choosing to shop with Konga.com when I disconnected.

I returned to my laptop, and placed the order again.

I wasn’t so panicked about my cousin though, because I had a backup plan. You see, as one of the authors in the anthology, I was going to get a copy from Farafina delivered to me the following day, Saturday. So I figured I’d just send my copy off to my cousin and wait for his to become mine. And so, by Sunday, I met with his friend and gave him an autographed copy (my cousin specifically asked for me to make sure I autograph it, just in case the book’s value appreciates in the event of my – I dunno…death?).

By Monday, he had the book.

Tuesday went by uneventfully.

Wednesday held no such promise.

Of course by Tuesday, I was getting those alert emails I expected to go along with the imminence of an order’s arrival. On Wednesday, I got the email that told me I’d surely be receiving my book that day. But I was up and about outside the office, so I informed a colleague of my business with Konga, and asked him to receive the order for me and pay the delivery person N2000, as stated on my checkout on the site.

I was off on my assignments, when the delivery man called. I told him to go on ahead to my workplace and deliver the item. I told him who to ask for. A few minutes later, my colleague called me to tell me that the charge expected of me was not N2000 but N2250. I was taken aback; that was news to me. My colleague handed his phone over to the delivery man, and he maintained that my bill was N2250 and not N2000.

My dear people of God, what was an upstanding citizen of Nigeria like myself to do next in a situation like this? Is it not to call customer service to verify? Yes? Ok.

So I informed the delivery man of my intent. He agreed and the call was disconnected. And in a call that has placed Konga above my mother as my most frequently dialed number, I got reconnected with the customer service. I queried who I was onto about the extra N250 charge, and he gave me some rote answer about how Konga was making some reviews and looking into increasing the efficiency of its delivery system.

My next question was simply begging to be asked. “How does the increase of your delivery’s efficiency affect the service charge? Explain to me why making your delivery more efficient should cause an increment in the service charge.”

He repeated the answer to me, as though he was a robot programmed to give just that one answer: Konga is doing some reviews and looking to increase the efficiency of its delivery system.

I gave up. I disconnected and called my colleague back to pay the delivery man. But my colleague had a shocker waiting for me. He interrupted me to say, “The delivery man got angry o, and walked away with the book.”

Those words exploded inside my ears like the report of a fired gun. First came shock, and then on its heels was anger, fluid and hot, with a strength that rendered me momentarily speechless. The “What do you mean he got angry and left?” I replied my colleague with came out like a croak. He repeated himself. I ended the call and stood there, slowly coming to terms with the certainty that I was done with Konga.com. ABSOLUTELY AND IRRECOVABLY DONE! This was my first time shopping online with the mall, and I didn’t care about any good testaments they may have had with other customers; this first impression was indelibly etched on my mind. If the exact furniture I need for my future house is found only in Konga mall, I would rather sit on the floor than click onto the website to shop for it.

And they had to know. So, with my temper still running high with the vestiges of my anger, I called the customer service for what I hoped would be the last time, and finally let rip on the unfortunate receiver. I spent a full two minutes venting – the best two minutes of my life! I left the girl flustered and struggling to string together a coherent apology.

Their apologies – Ptueh! I’m so done with that shit!

I hung up, navigated my way to Facebook and proceeded to update the following:

‘I am never ever, ever, ever, EVER shopping with Konga again!

Ever! EVER AGAIN!

Even when I’m dead and gone, my corpse is going to reject being buried in anything shopped from Konga!’

What I forgot to add is:

‘And if anyone should go against the wishes of my corpse and goes ahead to bury me in a Konga product, my ghost will haunt him or her for the rest of their natural lives.’

*

I am @Walt_Shakes on twitter


About shakespeareanwalter

Walt Shakes(@Walt_Shakes) is an award-winning Nigerian writer, poet and veteran blogger. He is a lover of the written word. the faint whiff of nature, the flashing vista of movies, the warmth of companionship and the happy sound of laughter.

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45 comments

  1. Damn! I could really feel the pain and irritation in this piece! Nobody checks these guys in Nigeria. In a more civilized society, there are channels to report to and you may even get a discount or even better, get it for free.

  2. Haba! All this frustration over a book! If you’d ordered for a plasma TV nko? Pretty sure you’d be looking at seven working YEARS before delivery.

  3. I had the same issue with jumia…. Them mofos took my money and gave me damaged goods, then refused to refund the full money….. Online shipping in Nigeria blows and customer service is just the pits

  4. This is one really pissed off customer. Sorry for your experience.

  5. Chai, your anger was liquid … I’d have hated to be on the konga side of things. Pele. For reporting these things, there are sites like reportam.com where one can report such terrible customer service. Not for the authorities, but for the public to know – a blacklist of sorts. There’s another one for banks – GBIN. Maybe if we blacklisted enough of them they’d learn to care

  6. Konga works for me. They have really been efficient in delivery. I guess your stars were not aligned.
    The delivery guys however i think are gotten from the same place. A jumia delivery guy left after five minutes that he got to my location. I was in a meeting and managed to sneak out in less than five minutes that he called only to be told by office security that he said he had more important deliveries to make and could not be wasting time with me.

    They are all insane.

    • He had more important deliveries to make and could not be wasting his time with you?! :O Jeezuz! Do these people not know their proper job description?!

    • shakespeareanwalter

      You see ehn, its with situations like this that I wish Nigeria was a litigious country. By the time you drop hefty lawsuits on these corporations, they’ll marshal their failing departments into shape.

  7. That delivery man though. He has some nerve. To walk out on a delivery with the order before his customer was satisfied. Who does that?!
    Oh, I forgot. Konga delivery. Mscheewww. Pele, Walter

  8. WALTER, YOUR ORDER HAS BEEN SHIPPED… WALTER, YOUR ORDER IS ON ITS WAY TO YOU… WALTER, IF WE DON’T BRING YOUR ORDER TO YOU, WHO WILL?

    😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂

  9. Peleee bro, had a similar xperience wit Yudala after buying a product from dem. Wasted 3weeks of my life in callin,twitting and mailing dem buzus alll to no vail. Online SUCKS here in naija. Nobody monitors dem das Y dey are messing up big time.

  10. Na wa oh. I wonder if this delivery person is getting his salary on time ’cause he seems frustrated too. Thank God my first experience with them last week was fluid. To avoid wahala sef, I even went to their pickup center and collected my order myself as I don’t trust awon delivery pipu. I’m sticking with POD and will never buy anything that’s required urgently.

    My experience with Jumia too was on point but I ain’t getting comfortable with them sha. Sticking with international online stores.

  11. Walter inefficiency is killing all businesses in Nigeria. I don’t even want to go through the lousy staff attitude. They all treat you as if they are doing you a huge Favour. I work in a service industry and even my own colleagues are guilty of that attitude. Some people somewhere can just sit down and run down your business. I pray this mail gets retweeted till it gets to the management of Konga.

    • This was the point I was trying to make. Sometimes its not the business but the morons that were hired to manage the business

  12. Can you forgive me as I laughed out too hard, inspite of your pain. Kpele o

  13. Dear God, I feel your frustration. I hope your cousin appreciates the trouble you went through to get him the book.

    May I suggest you state in your will, that you are not to be buried in any konga sourced material. Make your cousin aware of the instruction , so that he can ensure it is carried to the letter.😐
    It is the very least he can do after the wahala you went through to get the book, not to mention the increase in value of the book on the very sad event of your onwu. 😔

    Ndo once again.

  14. Hahah. I should feel sorry for you, but I just find this hilarious

  15. Lol. I have laughed and laughed and laughed. You remember i told you i had initial problems on Konga with buying this samd book, “a handful of dust”. Well, that was nothing compared to the major waste of air time it took me to call and pursue them to deliver just two copies. I had the same madness of the delivery man also going back with my order for some flimsy reason. Hmmm! I have other bad experiences that i don’t even bother. There was a time it was Onyeka Nwelue’s book and it took 2 weeks and i forgot about it, then they called and i happily told the delivery guy to go shove the book. Nansense people, now they come to radio to start saying unbelievable things about their store.

    • shakespeareanwalter

      LMAO @ I happily told the delivery man to go shove the book.
      This is grossly unfair. Two weeks to get an order to the customer when your promised service is a shorter time frame. Nawa o

  16. Nawa oooo,oga walter,take am easy.#ventin of life.lol

  17. Walter, your experience in Lagos is nothing compared with what we in the less fashionable cities go through. The option of pay on delivery seems not designed for us before you list other misdemeanours.

  18. Wat if babies were to be available only on konga?walter u better think welll ooooo,lolzzzzz

  19. The jokes and light notes aside, I’m so finding a way to ensure this gets to Konga. The least they can do is an apology and a free copy of the book. Yeye pipu!

    • shakespeareanwalter

      Even after everything the customer service lady managed to say in between my venting, about how she’ll make sure the guy returns to deliver the book at once, its still crickets from Konga. You see? *shaking my head*

  20. Nna, ndo o!! Service Delivery in Nigeria blows I tell ya. Had a similar experience with Jumia over a watch and I swore never to use their service again. It is POD for any transaction I do online so that if i don’t get the product, i just count my data loses and walk away. Konga has never tried that nonsense with me but I would not get comfortable at all.

  21. Oh Walter…you really made me laugh. Sorry pal…shit happens especially when its from 9ja. I can feel you and the worst is the stupid apology that doesn’t solve anything. Calling and calling with nothing been done will make you wanna hire all the lawyers in the world and sue them and make sure you even win the case so they come crumbling at your feet…and that’s the only apology that will make sense or may not sef. Sorry Walter…life goes on

  22. This scenario is what happened with me and Jumia.
    I ordered, the product got to me broken, three consecutive times.
    And their charges?
    Don’t let me even go there
    I just deleted them commot my life.
    And with this, I’m so done with Konga on your behalf.
    Nobody hurts my Cantonese Walter and get away with it!
    NEVER!!!
    *Stomps off in anger*

  23. But btw Walter…
    I’m angrily laughing at the hilarity of this post! 😂 😂 😂 😂 😂 😂 😂 😂

  24. As impossible as it sounds, all them “online marketplaces are one and the same in this regard.

  25. Dealdey is the worse. I haven’t really had issues with Konga before.

    Dealdey will charge u for the item, refuse to do POD nd deliver a different looking product, often a lesser quality than displayed in the website, after 2 months. Whereas promising u get it in 7 working days!

  26. Sad stuff man, I’ve never shopped with konga before but my Jumia experience was ok. But chere o, the delivery man walked away that na gini mere?? Imagine the nonsense!!
    Don’t mind them sha, mourn the time wasted on the bizagas and move on.
    PS: I laughed small o!

  27. Jesus of Nazareth!!!

    The man walked away with the book? What

    You see i am not making excuses for Konga, but the first customer service girl probably did nothing, but continued gossiping after your first call and the delivery man is just impossible because he doesn’t know who has what or what to do. Maybe he even uses his working hours for personal runs because if not, he should have told you if not from the first call, but from the second that he doesn’t have your delivery.

    My shopping from around the world without a phone call or reply messages are 101% more efficient.

    Konga should review its staffing policy and possibly do a psychological test before hiring.

    i am just shocked because the delivery man didn’t even consider the stress that took him to your office and for his act, even his descendant should be fired. And who will blame my sister when she says nothing works in Nigeria.

    Your monumental anger should be sent to Konga, copying everybody copy-able. (I am sure with Google, email addresses can be found) Once they know their publicity is at stake, i am sure something will be done even if it will be just an apology.

    I know a friend who showed Jumia pepper and not only got an apology, he got the almost purchased item for free.

    Even if the brain box of Konga tries to step up Nigeria online shopping game, its workers will crash it’s effort so bad, I can imagine how much Konga losses by the day because of it’s inefficient staff.

    This is really sad and Konga can be sued.

    Later they will blame Nigerians for setting up companis with millions of Naira at stake and refuse to hire Nigerians when their mentality is untoward. No expression I can give can qualify how I feel knowing the bloody delivery guy walked away with the book.

    My dear take heart. Order again from the first place that delivered without making you burn 3k credit when the book is 1500.

    I agree, even in your grave no one should dare shop with Konga…..write a will to that effect…..lol

    Pele Prof…….. this is just another case of the Nigerian factor that is just so wrong.

  28. These children of nowadays! If I tell them to stop forming Y2K compliance and do the good old traditional over_the_counter purchase, they will refuse. Ngwa, see it nah!

  29. Oh my! This was one epic runaround…n unpleasant one at that.
    Pele.

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