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THE HOUSEWIVES’ TALE (Episode 3)

Disclaimer: Don’t even think I’m talking about you, because, I’m not. Dazall!

I was sprawled on the parlor sofa, remote control in hand and flipping from one channel to the other. I’m so bored. I have kind of gotten used to my baby’s everyday absence. I have been thinking of what to do to fill up my days, and a lot of things have come to my mind. I take them, look at them, and discard, or keep aside for further reference.

I thought of learning a vocation, like sewing or hair dressing. I just know that I’m not really cut out for all that. I am a nine-to-five job person. Unless I will learn and pocket the knowledge… you know? Add to my wealth of knowledge? Yes? No! It is a waste of time. Besides, no one will teach you that free of charge. Why will I waste all that money when I can totally get a new phone or go shopping with it?

Anyway, I think I will go and visit some of my ‘friends’. Now, I put friends in quotation marks because the people coming to my mind right now are people I can hardly call friends. But misery loves company, innit? So, I bring out my pen and jotter to list the people I want to visit. The list goes thus:

Mimi – I don’t even know what her name means, whether ‘Mirabel’ or ‘Miracle’ or ‘Mirinda’. That’s how close we are. I met her first in Lagos when I went on a two-week visit at my uncle’s place (that was the much my parents would allow). We then met again in the University. She is this kind of person that is so easily swayed. Just tell her that soaking garri with white rice will make her lose weight, and she’ll gobble it up like pills. She amuses me sometimes with her gullibility. And sometimes, it is downright annoying. Well, Mimi is staying somewhere closer to where I live. This is why she is number one on my list, coupled with the fact that I was not able to visit her when she put to bed and when she dedicated her baby in church.

Ijeoma – she lives a bit… No. A lot far from where I live. If you know Enugu State very well, you will know that Gariki is really far from New Haven. But well, she is like my closest friend. We met during our first year orientation in the University, we happened to be in the same department and we shared the same off campus room in Ojiaka Lodge, for the four years we spent in school. As if that was not enough, we served together in Abuja, in different banks. Though we did not share a room, we continued and continue to be very close. She grew up in Ondo State, all thanks to ‘Federal Ministry of Education’. Her parents are both teachers in Federal Government College, Akure. After our NYSC, we both got married, three months apart from each other, and our husbands both stay in Enugu. She is just 14 weeks pregnant now, because she and her husband took the honeymoon thing more seriously than the ‘oyinbo’ folks that invented it. They went on family planning for one year before trying for a baby.

Mercy – I am going to mark her asterisks, meaning, I may, or may not be visiting her. You will understand in a bit.

(Flash back to the school hostel, her hostel)

‘Mercy, please, are you going out?’

‘Yes, I want to go to class and read.’

‘Ok, please help me and enter law hall and check the extreme end of the front row…’

‘What’s law hall?’

*slightly surprised* ‘Ah! You don’t know law hall?’

‘No oh…’ *annoying chuckle*

*incredulous* You mean you have spent three years on this campus, and you don’t know law hall?’

‘Uh-uh, I don’t know. You know I’m really a reserved person.’ *chuckle, chuckle*

*exasperated* ‘But that is where we have our Law 340 nau.’

‘Oh! Is that what they call the place?’ *chuckle, chuckle, chuckle* ‘You know I don’t know such things.’

*long suffering sigh* ‘Is there a prize for ignorance and cluelessness that I don’t know about? Howbeit feigned ones…’ *eye-roll*

*roaring laughter from roommates*

*chuckling smile flees her face* ‘So, what do you want me to do for you there?’

*still miffed* ‘Don’t worry, before you will enter bush and say I sent you.’

I hoped we would really quarrel, but no, she’s too caught up in her world of cluelessness for that to happen. The commencement of the quarrel was her prerogative, and I did not really have a say in it, so, we continued greeting in class, and I had to listen to her glorious clueless life stories.

Mercy is not a friend that I made, she is a ‘friend’ that happened. She was my childhood friend, playmate and neighbor, Chinenyenwa’s roommate. Nyee – as we usually call her – was not in my department, but Mercy, her roommate was. So, I got to know Mercy from my visits to Nyee, at the hostel.

Why then is she on my list, you ask? Well, she always calls to check up, which is actually sweet of her. So, I’ll go pay her a visit.

Chichi – Her full name is Chinwe. I met her at a friend’s birthday party, we sat together while others were dancing. So, we got talking. And we both discovered that we had plenty in common. First and the most glaring was that we were both manless, and we were both just coming out of a relationship, and for the same reason: Dishonesty. Chichi isn’t married yet, but her wedding is coming up in six months’ time. And this is because her husband to be lives outside the country; France, precisely. She does not want to have his brother stand in for him, neither does she want to be married to someone outside the country and remain here, waiting for visa or invitation. So, she put everything off until her papers were ready, and Okechukwu (that is his name) was good to come home.

My list is complete. For now. I will start visiting tomorrow, for now, let me go and pick my son up from school. I have missed him so.

Written by Adaku J.

About shakespeareanwalter

Walt Shakes(@Walt_Shakes) is an award-winning Nigerian writer, poet and veteran blogger. He is a lover of the written word. the faint whiff of nature, the flashing vista of movies, the warmth of companionship and the happy sound of laughter.

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15 comments

  1. Sting! Sting! Finally! What I’d been hoping to see with the two previous episodes. You can’t have a title like “Housewives’ Tale” and not dish dirt. Good work.
    “Extreme end of law hall” though… Lol.

  2. Deborah Iwuchukwu

    Lol…… a lil mean to mercy but was hilarious. Good read

  3. Let the commotion and jealousy set it….
    Can’t wait for this to unravel

  4. Yaaaayyy!! 1st to comment. I know this feeling of boredom. U wee now be shecking d best person 2 visit.

  5. Tataforic tendencies in motion! Let us see how it pans out…

  6. funny and easy to read version… waiting for the twist and turn eagerly.

  7. Whoa! An ‘interesting’ line-up of ‘to sees’ in your itinerary! Hopefully, these bunch will get you outta the ‘boring’ zone! They sure as heck look like they would though, I mean; with the sterling resume you’ve managed to reel out of these lotz, I have no doubts whatsoever in my mind! Knock yourself out, girlfriend! Next! LOL

  8. Quite a list. “Impressive!”. May I ask a question? Thanks.

    Lots of girlfriends; no boy-friends?

    Just curious. #Okbye

    • shakespeareanwalter

      She’s a housewife o. Boyfriends equasto wahala with husband. *in Akpos voice*

      • Joe had to be reminded about hubby and wahala of talking to unauthorised males. We don’t want a third world war biko. Next! Lol

  9. inteesting read.. so after the make-up she sits and makes up a list and then goes to pick up her hubby.. three episodes one day not to cool buh more grease to ya elbow.. cant wait for the gozsip or bitchy mode..

  10. ‘Why waste all that money when I can get a new phone or go shopping?’ That cracked me up. Typical housewife talk. Good write.

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