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Rumpsteak with Yellow Plum Sauce

The Fête at Umunakwe Hall

The thunder sounded like the fart of a dysentery-afflicted Amadioha and the lightning that came with it illuminated the area on a grassy hill where festivities were on-going.

Some of the Lolo Ugolo Ohazurike’s very favourite people had gathered within the Umunakwe Hall, but still she had grown weary of conversation, so she discreetly ambled away from those fine folk, retreating to a deserted corner of the parlour and letting the party continue without her.

Ugolo beckoned a wrapper-clad attendant, the youngest son of the Nkem family that was catering the affair, and he came bearing a silver platter of assorted meat.

“Do not plan on leaving my side any time soon, boy,” Ugolo told him. “I am suddenly quite famished, and I shall let you know when I am sated.”

From the array of victuals, the Lolo Ugolo Ohazurike took a small bacon-wrapped sausage by the toothpick and consumed it as delicately as befitted a woman of her age and dignity. But so delightful was its smoky succulence that in mere moments she had practically inhaled three more before realising her lapse in decorum.

“Forgive me, boy,” Ugolo said, surreptitiously glancing about, worried that the guests might have noticed her faux pas. “Those are perhaps the tastiest morsels I have ever encountered, and I am embarrassed to say, they momentarily made a pig of me.”

“There’s nothing to forgive, Lolo,” he replied. “It’s the sincerest compliment we in the catering business may receive.”

“Well thank you, dear boy,” the Lolo Ohazurike said. “Everything looks so good. I suppose I can hardly be blamed.” She considered having another bacon-wrapped sausage, but selected instead a corn cake covered with a creamy white spread and ate it in two dainty bites. “Delectable,” she declared. “Tell me, boy, what is atop these corn cakes?”

“Nene juice,” he answered.

“And what of those addictive delicacies I so enjoyed?” Ugolo said. “What were they made from?”

“The sausage is stuffed with meat from Nene’s sister, Nkechi,” the boy replied, “and the bacon carved from their mother, Lady Bianca.”

All of a sudden, the Lolo looked rather stricken, her mouth agape and eyes brimming with tears.

“An Umunakwe family recipe, one might say,” young Nkem added with a mischievous grin.

“Bianca…and her daughters…” the Lolo uttered, her voice heavy with grief. “Those comely lasses always whetted my late husband’s appetite. Quite taken with thoughts of their flesh, he was. If only he were still alive, my dearest Okonkwo would have been thrilled to partake of it with me.” For a moment, it seemed she might lose herself to sorrow, but instead Ugolo smiled once more. “I shall honour his memory by truly savouring tonight’s fare.”

“Chief Ohazurike was a great man and a generous patron of my family’s culinary arts,” the boy said solemnly. “Even as you honour him, though, may I advise against filling up on the Umunakwe women? I dare say we’ve outdone ourselves in preparing the patriarch of this hall for this evening’s fête.”

The Lolo Ugolo chuckled. “I have always found Mazi Obinna Umunakwe to be quite distasteful,” she said, “but I have every confidence that his presence will be far more palatable tonight.”

Written by Johannu Afere


About shakespeareanwalter

Walt Shakes(@Walt_Shakes) is an award-winning Nigerian writer, poet and veteran blogger. He is a lover of the written word. the faint whiff of nature, the flashing vista of movies, the warmth of companionship and the happy sound of laughter.

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29 comments

  1. Lmao. Tis the season of handling Beckys, I see. Be like Lolo Ugolo Ohazurike. Turn the other woman into corn cakes. 😀

  2. WTF?!!!
    I had to read it twice.
    What the actual fuck?

    Hannibal lecter vibes going on here.

  3. Yuck!

    Wadafuq?

  4. Hannu!!!!!!! Repent o! Repent!

  5. Charles Casey John

    Haha. Somebody please tell me the flesh thing was figurative.

  6. Emmanuel Okoro

    What. The. Fuck?

  7. Muhammad Abdulqawiyu

    Now I know where not to go for my next holiday. 😮

  8. Hubba! Hubba!! HUBBA!!!!
    HANNU!!!!

  9. Huh? 😨😱
    What did I just read? Oh my!

  10. Ahan oga walter!!!!

  11. just passing… before I become the next meal

  12. Brutal, yet subtle. Food for thought? No pun intended.

  13. Nkechi and Last Biance could be pigs! I mean didn’t we read Animal Farm? Don’t pigs have names?

    I seriously want to believe that the characters slaughtered aren’t humans. #sighs

  14. Who send me to read?
    #yuck.

    Hannu, you need to start thinking pure thoughts, so you’d write pure stories.

  15. A sequel to Pemi Aguda’s Writivism winning story: “Caterer Caterer”. Creatively executed.

  16. What the hell man??!!!😦

  17. Nene Juice? Where exactly was that gotten from? 😦

  18. What? Imagine what goes on in the minds of some people

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