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The Fairy Godmother Was A Pimp (PART 2)

Click HERE for The Fairy Godmother Was A Pimp (PART 1)

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Ehen! Where were we? Ah yes, I was in the process of revealing to you good, gullible people of the world what really happened on the night Cinderella went to the ball. Do not be deceived by Disney, my people. The revelations I’m giving you here came straight from divinity, a source so powerful that it eclipses where TB Joshua gets his prophesies from.

Now that I’ve convinced you of the veracity of my claim, let’s continue.

“Hello, my child. Do not cry. Help is here.”

Upon her appearance, Cinderella had shrunk back, until her back hit the wall that was part of the alcove over the fireplace. She sat there, staring with shock at the vision whose luminescence filled the room and caused the other lights in the room to wilt. She held her hand over her eyes, trying not to be blinded.

“Oh, my apologies.” Her visitor chuckled. And gradually, the wattage of her splendor dimmed until Cinderella could clearly see her – a silver-haired woman with eyes that were diamond-blue, diaphanous appendages that fluttered ephemerally behind her and a small stick held delicately in her hand.

“Are those…wings?” Cinderella husked, her eyes widening on the appendages which stretched from a few inches above her visitor’s head to just above the floor, flapping open and shut with gentle grace, a life all their own.

“Oh yes, my darling,” the woman said. Her voice was a purr.

“Who are you?” Cinderella said, staring in wonder.

“I am your Fairy Godmother.”

“My what?”

“The one sent down to bring comfort to your heart and joy to your lips.”

Cinderella watched as the woman rolled her eyes at the end of her statement. It seemed incongruous to her, for such a divine creature to exhibit such a human attribute.

“Whatever do you mean?” she asked.

“My dear,” the Fairy Godmother tutted, “where is everyone tonight?”

“At the Prince’s royal ball,” Cinderella replied glumly.

“Every lovely lady is at the ball. And you” – she gestured with a slim, silver hand, with gold dusts tinkling around it – “are a lovely lady. A fine, young woman. You should be there.”

“But I cannot go. My stepmother has ordered me not to go.”

The Fairy Godmother waved a dismissive hand. “The authority of your stepmother means nothing to me.”

“It still does not matter. The Royal Castle is a fair distance away from here, and I cannot possibly walk all the way there. The night would be over before I get there –”

“Have you no faith, my darling?” the Fairy Godmother chided gently. “Now, up, up. We have much work to do.”

“Work?” Cinderella stared aghast at her, wondering what this good old lady could get up to.

“Yes, work. We have to get you ready for the ball. So come, let’s go.” She turned and began moving – Cinderella wasn’t sure if she was walking or sliding – toward the exit.

The young woman hastened after her, at once doubtful and intrigued. They walked out into the warm night, over which a half moon drunkenly ruled. A few stars winked around the moon, the entire galaxy seeming hopeful for the night.

“Now, where do we begin?” The woman tilted her head in thought, her eyes searching the hardscrabble yard and missing nothing. “First, you’ll need horses.”

“Horses?” Cinderella croaked. “Where on earth would we get horses? The stable down the road –”

“Hush, child! Now what do I need for this?” The Fairy Godmother swept a quick glance around and her head stopped mid-arc. “Ah, there you are.”

Cinderella followed her gaze to a small mischief of mice that were chomping on detritus that had spilled from the garbage can.

“Those are rodents.” She couldn’t believe she was stating the obvious.

“Yes, and very soon, they shall be…” The woman’s silver hand, the one holding the flute of a stick, swished gracefully through the air. Silver dust spiraled from the wand, tinkling and fluttering through the air toward the rodents. At first, the mice stared at the brightness advancing on them, as though mesmerized by it. Then with startled squeaks, they turned and began scrabbling frantically away. But they had turned to flight too late. The silver dust pounced on the litter, and Cinderella watched with absolute astonishment as the diminutive animals began to distend and expand and magnify. Their dusky fur stretched and lightened, their squeaks deepened and gained volume, and then they were gone to be replaced by four great white destriers who were snorting and neighing impatiently while bucking their heads under the filmy weight of snow-coloured mane.

“Oh my goodness,” Cinderella gasped.

“They are quite a feisty breed, are they not?” The Fairy Godmother chortled. “So we’ll need a coachman to get them under control.”

“A coachman?” Cinderella squeaked, not unlike the metamorphosed mice. “Where –”

“Ah, you’d have to do.” The woman’s sharp gaze was on a goose that had started to squawk loudly in startle at the sudden appearance of the horse. “Now, all the better to keep the noise down…” The silver hand swished again. The dust tinkled and swirled and washed over the angry bird.

It also began to distend, stretching upward, its squawk choking off as a ruddy-faced man, stoutly built, bewigged and flustered-looking, staggered into its place.

Cinderella clapped her hands over her mouth, astounded, as she stared at the man and his glorious livery; he was clad in black, leather boots, royal purple woolen pants, black moleskin gloves, and a fine supple coat of gleaming purple. His white liveried wig sat primly on his head.

“Who are you?” Cinderella rasped as she turned her goggled gaze to the woman beside her.

“I told you. I’m your Fairy Godmother, and she needs to get you some footmen.”

Cinderella stayed silent, knowing better than to voice her protest.

“And we have – oh, there they are.”

They were lizards, sprawled lazily on a low wall a short distance from the garden shed. They were two of them, and they didn’t even know what hit them when the silver dust pounced. As they began to transform, they tumbled down from the wall and fell to the ground just in time to land on two feet each. The two men who straightened and began gaping at their appearance were tall, reedy and clad in similar livery as the coachman.

“Now, where there are horses, a coachman and footmen, you need a…”

“Carriage.” Both women said the word in unison, Cinderella in a whisper and the Fairy Godmother effusively.

“What will do, what will do,” the woman clucked. She stared around longer, progressing about the yard as she contemplated the items in it.

As she passed by the garden shed, she stopped as her attention was arrested by something inside.

“Oh lovely!” the Fairy Godmother squealed and waved her wand. Silver dust drifted inside.

There was a muted rumble inside the shed, and moments later, the walls and roof of the shed shattered apart as the pumpkin that Cinderella’s stepmother had instructed her to save for the next holiday feast swelled. Its shiny orange epidermis hardened, turned glacial, the orange colour ebbing to gleaming metal. The green stalks that grew around the pumpkin stretched and hardened, turning into shiny wheels. The carriage slowly glided forward, and both coachman and footmen hurried toward it to tether the horses to it.

Cinderella stared now, delight starting to brim in her violet eyes, as she dared to believe in the magic.

“Ah,” her visitor exhaled, “my work here is done.”

“But…Fairy Godmother –”

The woman drew in a sharp breath. “Oh goodness, you, of course. We can’t have you attending the ball in those rags. Now” – she raised her wand-held hand – “let this be the finest of my work.”

The hand swished. The dust tinkled and spiraled all over Cinderella. She felt a cool draft swell around her, lifting her mere inches from the ground as the silver dust sparkled so bright, she could see nothing beyond it. She felt a stirring all over her body – her hair, her clothes, everything fluttered around her.

Gradually she was let back on solid ground, and the dust receded, leaving her to get a look at herself.

“Aw!” The Fairy Godmother lifted a hand to her mouth in awe. “Look at you, my child.”

Cinderella was looking, and she could not believe her eyes. A royal-blue gown sewn over with hundreds of small pearls draped over her figure to the ground, the silken fabric skimming her curves elegantly. Her hands were gloved from fingers to elbows, her slim wrists were adorned with small glittering gold bracelets, and a thin gold necklace clung exotically around her neck. She raised a hand to her head, feeling her fingers slip through the well-coiffed tumble of her golden hair. She tottered forward, just a step, enough to draw her attention to her shod feet. She lifted the billowing skirts to stare, mesmerized, at the glassy shoes on her feet, footwear that gleamed with the brilliance of diamonds.

“Oh goodness…” she rasped, her voice husky with emotion. The eyes she lifted to the other woman had dewed with tears.

“Now, now, child,” the Fairy Godmother tut-tutted, “we can’t have you crying and ruining your appearance, can we?”

A teary laugh escaped Cinderella. “No, Fairy Godmother, we can’t.”

“Good. Your carriage awaits. Get on it and go win your prince.”

“Thank you, Fairy Godmother,” Cinderella gushed. “How could I ever repay you?”

“Oh, just one thing you can do.” The Fairy Godmother angled her head upward, a quiet glare fleeting over her face as she stared up at the moon. When she turned back to Cinderella, the glare was gone and the smile was back. “When you get there and capture the Prince’s attention, make merry with him, my darling. Make merry to your heart’s content.”

“Make merry?” Cinderella’s brows drew forward in a small frown as comprehension dawned. “But Fairy Godmother, I am a good girl. My father –”

“Is dead,” the Fairy Godmother interrupted. “And you’re a grown woman with needs and desires. Fulfill your every desire tonight, my dear child. I told you I was here to bring joy to your lips, did I not? Well, nothing brings more joy to the lips of a woman than the touch of her prince. Trust me, my dear. You need to let free the woman in you tonight, for the morrow may yet keep her behind bars.”

A tremulous smile lifted Cinderella’s lips and twinkled softly in her eyes. “Yes, Fairy Godmother. I will.”

“Good. Now off you go, darling.”

The beautiful lady slipped into her carriage, behind the door that was shut by one of the footmen. Both men climbed to the sides of the carriage as the coachman’s whip swished through the air and lashed the neighing horses with a fury that spurred them forward into a canter toward the royal ball.

Now, wait, wait, before you get yourselves in a ditty over that teensy-weensy detail about the Fairy Godmother’s warning about midnight, listen to me. Shebi I told you people that Disney repackaged everything that happened that night. Well, they did. And trust me, the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth shall be made known to you when we return for the next chapter of my revelations.

TO BE CONTINUED TOMORROW

I am @Walt_Shakes on twitter


About shakespeareanwalter

Walt Shakes(@Walt_Shakes) is an award-winning Nigerian writer, poet and veteran blogger. He is a lover of the written word. the faint whiff of nature, the flashing vista of movies, the warmth of companionship and the happy sound of laughter.

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23 comments

  1. Walter seriously make merry, make fucking merry. Ahhhhhh you are a first class demon I swear, Lucifer’s right hand. My mom would kill you for this… Jesus…… Ahhhhhh Fadalud save him.
    My mom taught me about saving myself for the right man using Disney characters (don’t blame her, she’s weird, she tried. I’m just a curious child).
    My plan was to use dt with my girls as well ???????. May God save you

  2. Btw why didn’t the fairy pimp mother do contour for her ehn… Teach her ahead of her peers

  3. Pauline 'Lina' Ife

    Lols really nice twist of it all. I had a good laugh

  4. Adeleke Julianah

    *Cocks AK50, aimed at his running legs*
    Walter, Ama skin you alive walai!

  5. I. Will. Kill. Walter.

    Nice read

    • shakespeareanwalter

      So you will kill me but still appreciate my revelations? Typical. SMH. Just negodu how cruel this world is.

  6. So if the fairy godmother didn’t warn Cinderella about the midnight, who did?

    PS: This was a beautiful writeup. Gaddemn!

  7. Blessed are you, Walter,son of Udeh. For flesh and blood did not reveal it to you, but My Father in the heavens revealed it to you by the Spirit.

  8. Chai, chai, there is God oh….. He is watching you on 3D.

  9. It was going on well, really well until the “get merry” part. I could as well be reading the original Cinderella tale, then it all went down south when Fairy Godmother got all pimp on her ass.
    Seriously, get merry?

    • *pointing you to the subject matter*
      Focus!
      I’m not here to add to the blindness that Disney has cursed you lot with. I’m here with the truth.

  10. Haha! We are waiting

  11. Ya fucking with my childhood, Lucifer! Get behind me!

  12. Walter, oh Walter. Smh. I can’t even say anything.

  13. You skipped the bit about the fairy godmother giving her a pack of condoms ?

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