Home / Anecdotes / The EKSPLANATION

The EKSPLANATION

So again, I was perusing the blogosphere, when I happened on THIS PIECE penned by Elnathan John. Lawd! I read and I laughed hard. And you know me, when I see a good humorous write-up, I have to share, to spread the joy. So, read and enjoy.

*

My husband,

Long time have pass, I know, but my body will not gree me if I don’t talk my mind once and for all. I know all these months you are looking me like devil pikin or even like devil but is okay. I gree. They say is the fault of dawa dawa if soup smell reach neighbor house.

But if you will let me say something, haba! Did it reach the one to pursue Blessed with sharp cutlass? If to say you pursue Pastor Gilead who look like those people in Wrestling, ehen, nobody could have get mind to lock you in mad people house. Blessed is just a child.

The thing is truly truly, nobody can have excuse for doing the thing I did to you to make you crase finish and follow that boy that all these years have been calling you daddy. Afterall you are the one that come from Makurdi all the way to Anguhar to find wife when your friends who have wife that read book are laughing at you. You are the one who look me in NKST church choir, by yourself without anybody pointing hand and tell me that you like my figure and my long hair and that Am very fine. That word you talk that first day that we went to chop point and kill is still sweeting me till today.

So you close eye and marry me even though you are graduate and civil servant in Benue State Ministry of Information. You even tell your sister to sharrap when she put mouth to scatter our marriage talk because I stop school in primary 5 when moto jam my father in front of Mama Kakaan shop together with the schnapps that he carry chop money to buy. (I wish that I get my mother mind. She did not cry common tears for my father. She say it is waste of time to cry over man.)

It is hard to talk these things because truly truly it is not small try you try for me and my brother that you help to find work in ministry as messenger. I know that it is not all husband that can register me in lesson to write WAEC of which I fail three times. (I will try again this year, even if it is 3 credits at least let me get.) So I must tell you thank you for those things.

But in another ways, you did not try for me. In the beginning it is small small things that vex me. Ok, maybe you are thinking it is the snoring that you are snoring like Mama Agnes grinding machine, but no, that one did not worry me like that. Afterall my father before moto jam him with bottle of schnapps use to disturb all the people in our compound in Anguhar with snoring.

Me I gree it is from village I come, so you can call me village woman, but that first time it was hard when you are lying down with me. All your body is smelling of sweat and you have gone to chop onions (abi is it garlic sef) and refuse to baff even when I boil hot water for you.

It is not a bragging something but true, village people are clean than town people.

Another thing, this one is hard to talk but I will talk the thing as everything have scatter finish between us. When you are sexing me, it is like you have carry vex from somewhere and you now come and pour it in my body. Fast-fast, hard-hard, like government work until you finish and tire. Then sleep will catch you immediately as if sexing me is sleep medicine. If you are thinking that the thing is sweeting me, I will not lie to you, it did not sweet me at all at all. Even my breast sef you cannot touch, and when I touch it when you are doing your own thing, you will vex and say that it is not good for woman to be touching her own breast. Is not that I like the thing too much, but I want you to hold me and touch me and do it small small. Abi you are not watching how they are doing it in film?

Anyway the true talk of how Pastor Gilead enter this matter is another reason Am writing this letter. They are telling me that you still read newspaper in the crase people house like before, so I know you can read this. In fact if you ask me, it is not crase that you crase, it is a very serious type of vex that when a person vex, it will look like crase.

Pastor Gilead advice me, the first time you slap me that slap that tear the corner of my mouth. See, it is not me that carry the matter go and meet him. If to say you use to come church very well, you will know how those NKST pastors cannot allow their eye to look something and keep quiet. Pastor Gilead keep asking, asking, asking, until last-last the thing touch me as Am thinking of why you tear me hot slap, and tears begin to fall from my eyes. As tears have disgrace me finish, what remain again? So I just close eye tell him that you slap me because I ask you if you have drink to stupor when you come back enter bathroom and begin to vomit. I didn’t even tell him that you carry me and throw on top bed and start to sex me by force by force, even though Am begging you to stop. It is not the vex of the hot slap that vex me and make me do the thing that I do, after all my father, is it not army belt he use to carry to flog my mama? So a common hot slap is nothing.

But Pastor Gilead, and Am not talking this thing to vex you, he has the way that when he talk, the thing can enter your bone marrow and you will not know when you just start to tell him all your life secret. So small small I start to tell Pastor Gilead everything, and as Am talking he is listening and looking me in the centre of my eye. He is not repairing my English or laughing me, like you. So in my heart, I begin to wish that it is my husband letting me talk like this and not telling me I don’t know anything. Good English is not sense. Village people have sense.

Truly truly, Pastor Gilead didn’t start with bad things. In fact he ask me to talk all the things that is worrying me with my husband, but every time I try to talk something with you, you will carry money and push in my hand and ask me to stop disturbing you. All this could have not happen if you just hear me when I want to talk.

So that is how one day, I don’t know what enter my mind, I will say is devil, but you say you don’t believe in devil. I begin to talk to Pastor Gilead about the bad way you use to sex me and I ask him if it is bad for woman to touch her breast when her husband is sexing her. Because the issue really disturb my mind. I could have find another woman to talk with, but all those NKST women, nothing they know than wrapper and contribution for this and that. And my sisters or my mother, I cannot talk sexing talk with them.

Pastor Gilead talk all the things that cool my mind that day. But you know how it is with that kind of talk, if you talk it plenty, your body will begin to feel like doing it. So as he is looking me in my eye and talking the sexing talk and Am looking in his eye, somehow somehow, the thing catch us at the same time and it happen. If to say he did not do all the things Am wishing my own husband is doing, maybe it could have easy to say no or stop. But by then my mind have fly comot from that place to bad bad places.

Am not prouding of what happened. Am not prouding that after 3 years, it is only the time that Pastor Gilead touch me that I pregnant. I did not plan to pregnant for him or hide it all these years until your amebo sister, I don’t know how she carry and know this thing, begin opening her mouth. And me, you know me I cannot lie. I could have swear to God inside NKST church that it is all lie and you will never know that it is lie, because you and Pastor Gilead resemble very well and Blessed nose and ears resemble your own. Am not a liar. I can do any other thing but to lie, face to face like this, I cannot.

My mother is still throwing curse on my head everyday for greeing that Blessed is not your own. Me I have talk my own and my mind is clear.

I have pack from your flat in Makurdi, me and Blessed that you nearly kill. Your sister want to cause fight because I want to carry the TV back to Anguhar, so I tell her she can go and chop the TV and the rug and the cushion all. Does she know my story? It is so so fight that she knows. Let her go and find husband instead of chooking mouth in people matter.

They have drive Pastor Gilead from being pastor in NKST. He was telling me to come and follow him so that we can marry and I can pregnant again. But last month, a small girl in evangelism group pregnant and she say it is for Pastor Gilead. Me I cannot fight small girl because of man, so I have leave him to pregnant anybody he want to pregnant.

I know sorry cannot cancel everything that have happen and put you in crase people hospital, but sorry. Even though I have tell you that you have hand in the whole thing, it is me that allow the devil inside Pastor Gilead trouser to enter me. So sorry. I don’t want bad blood between me and you anytime they release you.

Should in case they release you, Am in my mother place in Anguhar. And I carried two standing fan. Should in case you want it, just come and I will give you back.

I will change back to my father name as everything have scatter between us. My uncle will return the money you pay on top my head to your people this week so that should in case person see me and like me, he can marry me. It will be hard, but my body have not too spoil like that as it is only one child I born.

I hope they are treating you fine. I could have come there, but shame is still catching me after everything. My only worry is that if they let you tey in that crase people house, your crase can come and permanent. Because now, I know that it is only a very serious vex that is doing you. Only one question that is doing me. Why do you change your name inside the crase people house?

Till then.

DOOWUESE AONDOAKAA


About shakespeareanwalter

Walt Shakes(@Walt_Shakes) is an award-winning Nigerian writer, poet and veteran blogger. He is a lover of the written word. the faint whiff of nature, the flashing vista of movies, the warmth of companionship and the happy sound of laughter.

Check Also

NOT JUST ANOTHER HORROR STORY

The period was June, 2006 in Ibadan. My husband, Owen, was in his service year ...

29 comments

  1. Hahahahaha. Despite the grammer, this is well written. She should continue with her WAEC effort, hope dey.
    Great message, looking beyond the humour, this piece comes with a powerful message. Wives, learn to touch your breasts if your husband is doing the thing and husbands, allow wife touch her breast and gyrate her hips.

  2. This was hilarious!
    He truly is the king of satire

  3. The Eksplanashun of life!!! Things spouses drive each other to do though,there are choices and no excuses… All in all,lovely piece @ElNathan and thanx for sharing @Walter

  4. Such a comical narrative. Kudos bruva

  5. Walter! Walter!!! Walter!!! How many times did I call u???! Don’t come and kill me with laugh laugh o! Abi how can I now not av chance to close my mouth anytime I come an read ur write abi d one u borrow(sorry na share u share am) ehn me dis mater make me no fit commot frm ground since I start to raed am o!

  6. OMG! This was so funny, the fact that it was written in present tense only made it better and immediate.

  7. Lawd! I have be speechless.

    • shakespeareanwalter

      Ah JayChioma, you did not tells me that you and Doowuese is sister and sister o. 😀

      • Ahn! Me and Doowuese is not sister and sister o. Me and her we haff not see eye to eye before. Is just…dis EKSPLANATION…it have do I become speechless. Hmmm.

  8. Hilarious! I have dead!!!

  9. Lol! Nice one Walter, thanks for sharing!

  10. The pidgin makes it hard for me to understand shaa

  11. Very interesting read… You took her from the village, married her just to ‘tush’ her up and then abuse her because you think she does not know any better? Diaris God!!!

  12. The spice is in the pidgin English that was used in the narrative.
    Humour aside, there are a lot of lessons to be learnt. 1. Communication is key 2. Accept ur spouse and don’t throw them down 3. Don’t discuss ur sex issue with a third party in the absence of Ur partner 4. Lack of education does nor matter in the bedroom, a woman is a woman and needs romance

  13. Loved it absolutely. Pastor Gilead must be a baby machine. All the babies he is sexing are just pregnanting.
    There is however a lot of lesson to be learnt.

  14. Hmm…the ‘devil’ in Pst Gilead’s trousers okwa ya?! Hian! This lady’s a real craze woman and her hubby, I dunno what adjective to qualify that one with! You can take a man outta the gutter, question is…how do you take the gutter outta the man?! LWKMD

    This is a certified rib-cracker with life lessons to teach! Nice one!

  15. Chai…Elnathan wee not kee me. LMAO

  16. It haff be good as the haunty yaff eksplained hasef. And the huisband sef don’t know how to pregnant woman. If not, all the sexing that the husband haff do did not pregnant the geh. It was one time that the devil inside Pastor Gilead’s trouser did the work and pregnant her.

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *