When I started out writing this series, I warned that it wouldn’t be a weekly thing. Like Nostradamus – or was it Nicodemus – I saw into the future and knew this wouldn’t work as a weekly entry.
Want to know why?
I knew I was going to be working with a difficult lead actor. I’ve read about many different stars, their impossible demands, their tantrums, demands for their alone time, their own trailers and basically their own universe.
Nothing I had read prepared me for the lead actor that is my son. Oh yes, he is the star of this series. His mother has been pushed into the role of a supporting star with little speaking lines and almost working for free.
While I on the other hand might be the writer, producer, director and sole financier of this shebang, I can barely do anything without my main star. I’m basically Anyitex Productions, with offices in Alaba, Upper Iweka and Pound Road, but without all that power, money and clout to ban my leading star.
This particular star does things at his pace and his time. Two days ago, I told him that it was getting to three weeks now, and he had yet to put on a show worthy of marketing to his adoring fans. Know what he did? He looked at me, gave that his heartwarming laughter and went back to smashing the DSTV remote on the cold hard floor.
Hold on, that reminds me… (Note to self: Remember to replace the damaged DSTV, TV and DVD player remote controls)
OK, I’m back.
Ehen, that his laughter. He knows it’s my Achilles heel and he keeps using it to exploit getting out of his contract. Ramsey Noah and Genevieve Nnaji are amazingly good-looking with killer smiles, but that didn’t stop my Nna Bros colleagues from banning them a few years back when they proved “difficult” to work with. Is it that I’m weak or I’m dealing with a really cunning lead star? The spirits inform me that it’s the latter.
I have discussed this with his supporting star, and I offered some suggestions.
“What if we throw him off the top balcony and see if he’ll sprout wings and fly? Imagine how many copies we could sell. A flying baby? Who can top that? The endorsements would be enormous and the fame will skyrocket.”
If you see the way she shot me down with a stern look and a thunderous warning, you’d think I said something awful like saying our lead star had three testicles. Here I was, thinking she’ll be on board. I mean, which Supporting Actor does not want the lead star to succeed so they could all keep getting screen time? I suspect she has been gotten to first by our son. He has worked on her brain not to go with any of my plans to rush him into his scenes, and she has fully settled into the role of lowly paid supporting star.
This is a silent movie and he is proving this difficult? What happens if he actually had speaking roles? I wonder if he’ll even follow the dialogue and read his lines as I’ve written. I’m seeing the future and it shows me that he would not. Oh dear God, there is going to be a lot of shouting in my future.
I’ve contacted my Nna Bros them to show me how it’s done, they are yet to reply. In the meantime, I’m visiting various parenting – sorry, director’s websites to learn how to properly cope with a really cunning lead actor. I’m sure I shall get a result soon.
Now where is that devilishly handsome and cunning young man? It’s time to go visit our neighbour upstairs. They have the most breathtaking balcony.
Written by Anyibaba