FOREWORD: So back in August, I sat down to an interview with Happenings Radio host, Elsie Godwin, to conduct any interview where I aired my views of marriage, commitment and children, one of which was the one that earned a huge backlash where I said that children are selfish. (Listen HERE).
And now, three months later, my good friend and the Dad in the Daddy Diaries, Anyibaba, has a new entry responding to my claims in the interview. (lol). The entry is a letter from none other than his two-year-old son.
And that little boy so thoroughly subbed me. Have a read.
“Children shouldn’t have to sacrifice so that you have the life that you want. You make sacrifices so your children can have the life that they deserve.” – UNKNOWN.
Dear Uncle Walter,
How are you doing? I hope fine? My teacher said I should write on how I spent my holiday, can you imagine that? I am only two years old, I can’t even write ABC yet. This is why I’m writing in my babyneese and my daddy translates. He is such a good man, my daddy is the best. My mummy too is also a good woman but she shouted on me yesterday. I am beginning to think the stork made a mistake and delivered me to the wrong mommy. Anyway, she bought juice for me this morning so I’m changing my mind. The stork had the right address.
Uncle, the reason why I’m writing to you is because you called me selfish. Eh-eh, eh-eh, don’t talk, let me finish. Uncle, why did you call me selfish? What did I do to you? What did all the babies do to you? Do you want to deny it? I have the recording o! You know I can operate daddy and mommy phone very well now. You went somewhere and was doing one magic like that and your voice was coming out of daddy’s phone. One woman was asking you question and you were just talking. It sounded like the way my daddy and mummy talk. Is that woman your special friend? Will you people live together so that God can send the stork to bring your own baby?
Ehen, back to your gaffe (I know, big English), why did you call us babies selfish? OK, see me now. I didn’t ask to be brought to this world, talk less of Nigeria. I was on my own jeje o, when daddy and mummy knelt down to pray to God. I was still on my own jeje o, when God came to the baby house and said I’ve been chosen to go to them. I then agreed. How is that selfish now?
OK, let us continue. When the stork delivered me to them, it gave them the terms and conditions of raising me. It was a 780-page document. All the babies in the baby heaven have every word memorized, but when they give the adults here, they will not read it, they will just sign the dotted line. I don’t blame them though; we are too adorable that they forget to read it all. Except Donald Trump, he was so ugly that when his own adults received him, they read the document word for word to make sure it wasn’t a mistake.
Daddy and mummy did not read their own. They just collected me and signed, I don’t even think daddy gave the stork bread to eat. Daddy can be stingy at times, he hasn’t bought bicycle for me yet. Something about Buhacession – or is it Buharanomics? I don’t know again, my big English did not reach there.
I am not selfish. I have stopped peeing in diaper. Do you know what that means for daddy and mommy? Now they can increase the garri and groundnut they buy. I just stopped o, just like that, nobody forced me. If I was selfish, shebi I would have continued to use diapers.
I didn’t ask to be sent to school. I didn’t ask for ice cream, pizza, shawarma, soup, akpu, and all the other things mommy and daddy force down my throat. They are the ones that gave me, will I say no?
Let us talk about when you visited me last year. I was celebrating my birthday and invited you. It was pity that I pity you because I saw you can’t cook to save your life. Are you asking how I know? Babies know everything. We come from heaven, remember? OK nah, I invited you and you came. You ate my cake, drank my juice, ate my rice too. Was I selfish? If I didn’t pity mommy and daddy and agree to come, will they have birthday to celebrate? Will you see the rice to chop? Me, I don’t now see how that is selfish.
In fact, I won’t allow you carry me again. People are beginning to think I look like you, I cannot have that. I don’t want daddy and mommy to fight. I do not want to be known as the boy with the uncle that called all babies selfish. It is bad for my rep in school.
Please, on behalf of babies everywhere, we are not selfish. Everything we get is well deserved. Eh, if they don’t want us, then they should send us back nah. But they won’t, they’ll be giving us food to grow big. Who is the selfish person now? If you say we are selfish, then all of us are selfish, even older people.
Thank you for reading my letter. I have to go now. Daddy looks tired and because I am not selfish, I will let him rest. Let me leave you with these words Angel Gabriel always tells Angel Komoru: “There is no selfless good deed. Everything done is for a selfish reason.”
Good bye, Uncle. Let me go and throw a tantrum for no reason at all.