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THE DADDY DIARIES (Entry 13)

Pick your Battles big enough to matter, small enough to win. – Xavier.

Be selective in your Battles, sometimes peace and quiet is better than being right. – Xavier’s Parents.

Before I became a father, I judged other parents. Yes, I did. It’s something I’m not proud of now that I’m raising a headstrong little boy and I will be deluded to think I’m not being judged too.

The judgments were not so huge, like the God judging Buhari kind, oh no, nothing that serious. It was in the little eye-rolls when I watched little kids run amok in shopping malls. The judgemental tone when I told a friend how a woman couldn’t bother to change her son’s mismatched socks. It was in those little gestures that my naiveté reigned supreme. I was single, childless and utterly clueless.

Now I’m a father to a boy that seems to have his own strong will. A boy I must say is versed in the art of manipulation. A tear-less wail or boisterous laughter is all he has in his arsenal, and at the end, he gets what he wants. Not all of it, but in this war we are in, I and his mother have learnt which battles are definitely not worth fighting.

FEEDING HIMSELF

He wants to feed himself? He should go right ahead. I won’t be pursuing him around the apartment with a spoonful of meal, trying to get him to at least eat something so he doesn’t die of starvation. We’re all already going to die of that anyway, with this present fuel price regime. I envision a Hunger Games style battle for the last bowl of garri, with me winning of cos. But until then, it’s best he is fully fed so at least he’ll have a fighting chance for the games battle ahead.

VISITING A MESSY HOUSE

Allowing him to feed himself means every meal time is messy time. He is yet to get the expert hand-to-mouth coordination a typical hungry Nigerian has. So what we get is half a teaspoon of everything finds its way into his mouth and the other half on the floor. Cleaning up is a chore, so should you visit us during dinner, you better not judge us or we’ll curse you to forever keep buying fuel at 145naira a litre.

On a positive note, with the way prices of foodstuffs keep skyrocketing and tomato now the new gold, food spillage is no longer allowed in the house. If he spills food on the ground, the two-hour rule applies. IT’S STILL DAMN EDIBLE!

WHEN TO HAVE SEX

This is fairly explanatory. Sex can wait.

Should I stretch my arms over his mother and he so much as wriggles his toes, Sex can wait.

Should his mom so much as sets nyash and he mumbles some jargon in his dreams, Sex can wait.

I shall not be the one to traumatize my child. I’ll leave that for his future biology teacher.

PS: This boy has got to stop being a baby and learn to sleep alone. Operation ‘Kick him out of my bedroom’ will commence in earnest.

HAVING HIS BATH AT NIGHT

We try to make sure he bathes and brushes his teeth every night, but you see eh, there comes a night we all get home late and tired, and our son is already asleep. There is no way in heaven and hell either one of us is waking him up. Do you know what that means? He’ll be AWAKE! A clean son is definitely not worth the battle; his milk teeth will all fall off anyway.

LEARNING GIBBERISH

As he is still learning to form his words, what we get to hear is basically gibberish. Apart from words such as Take, Eat, Water, Bye-bye, Daddy, the other words are plain gibberish. No matter how grumpy I am, no matter if his mother is on that time of the month, should he speak gibberish, then we must speak back. Should he call out daddy a hundred times in five minutes, I must answer his call every time. Not doing so means we’ll never get to have relative quiet. Doing so means we’ll also not get relative quiet. So you see, answer or not, we’ll never know peace silence. Best to keep verbally communicating just as his teacher and our mothers instructed us to.

Don’t get us wrong, there are some Battles that are worth it:

  • Collecting food from strangers
  • Playing with fuel
  • Using a tomato as a play thing
  • Getting into cars with strangers
  • Making sure he stays in school
  • Having sex before 21…and many more.

Until then, we have chosen the battles that are not worth it. Godspeed!

Written by Anyibaba


About shakespeareanwalter

Walt Shakes(@Walt_Shakes) is an award-winning Nigerian writer, poet and veteran blogger. He is a lover of the written word. the faint whiff of nature, the flashing vista of movies, the warmth of companionship and the happy sound of laughter.

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21 comments

  1. 😀😀😁😁😃😃😃😄😄😅😅😅😅.

    And you just had to take that for at Figaro right?
    You are just funny!!!

    But you are right. One needs to pick his battles when it comes to kids, useless or yes.
    And don’t get me started in the terrible twos drama…

    Good going, Anyi.

  2. P.S- I hate autocorrect!!!!!

  3. Wow I loved this piece

  4. Reminds me of when my aunt will tell me “wait till you have your own child you will understand” whenever she says that I will just turn my nose up and walk away, now I understand not to judge a parent trying his or her best to take care of their child

  5. Lol. I judged parents too till my sisters had their kids. Now I don’t anymore 😀😀

  6. Hahahahahahaa!!! So your son is a cock blocker. Chai! Children, spoiling runs for daddies since 1755.

  7. Hahahahaha 😂 😂 😂! @using tomatoes as play thing.

    Aswear, you really need to FIGHT that battle very well. Tomatoes? Ah! Don’t try it son! Come and play with my kidney instead, biko.

  8. Hehehehehe!

  9. Or, operation leave the room for him… Show must go on oh! Lol!

  10. Looool. Is having a son really this hard?
    Surely, I never stopped my father from having sex whenever he wanted or running around a shopping mall. I never gave my father headache. *Evil Grin*.

    Nice write up!

  11. He still hasn’t left the room??! Hahahahahahahaaha!!
    Maybe you two should leave the room for him o!!!

  12. This really cracked me up…u just gave a perfect description of my daughter who is almost 2

  13. Olufunto Badejo

    I don’t even known the exact part that almost made me choke while laughing. 😂 😂 😂 😂 😂 😂 😂 OMG!! Pray he’s not interested in your tomatoes, cos at this age he will still win the battle, you may cry or even walk afterwards, but that boy will so win the battle. 😂 keep it up, you’re doing a good job

  14. This exactly describes my son who is 3 months shy of his 2nd birthday. We literally sing songs of praises wen we get bak frm work and meet him asleep. He will definitely have a bath next morning and all dem teeth will fall out. NO ONE dares wake him up!

  15. hilarious to the hilt…yet didactic in its own way. thanks Anyi for this interlude from the country’s dramas…

  16. Pauline 'Lina' Ife

    Nice one Anyi. Weldon!!

  17. LOL. This is about the most hilarious post I’ve read here in a while. The whole thing is just funny.

  18. Ahahahahahaha! Shebi I told you, the more you and Anyimama try to ruin me, the more headache he gives!

  19. Udegbunam Chukwudi

    😂😂😂😂 I’ve always wondered how le sex happens with plenty small “nuisance” around the house.

    Una well done oh. This kain headache no be my portion .

  20. Karma sucks, huh? Beautiful piece

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