FOREWORD: I finally got a great friend of mine and constant visitor of MMS, to contribute to the blog. Not just contribute this one time; he’s starting a column. It’s NOT going to be weekly o, oh no. He made sure to make me tell you guys that. Why? Because after reading this first entry, you’re going to clamour for more.
That’s right! Anyibaba has penned something for MyMindSnaps, and it is both good and hilarious. Read below and enjoy. Oh, and don’t forget to let us know your thoughts in the comments section.
Hello, son, your mother sent me a picture of a broken mug – my broken mug. Apparently, you have broken yet another mug. I’m thinking of disciplining you with the rod when I get home, but no, I won’t derive satisfaction from that. It won’t be fun. Spare the rod and spoil the child is so old school.
So here is what I’m going to do. I’ll have to write down the items broken and the cost. This mug, the two glass cups, the two ash mugs. Remember your mother’s bead necklace you pulled from her neck and scattered all over the floor at a wedding? Well, I’m writing that down and adding the cost of the humiliation she endured. My phone chargers and headsets? I’m adding those ones too. Your mother’s earrings you derive so much joy from pulling and tossing aside? Your bill just went up.
There are more I’ll remember soonest and more things you’re going to destroy in the future. So my advice to you? Be a lawyer or an accountant. Bring your A-game to the negotiation table, because when you get a job and collect that your first pay-check, I’ll be the person at your door, presenting the bill. It would be fun and entertaining to watch you stutter as you unfold the bill, watch it roll down to your feet, onto the front porch and stop at the driveway. That’s right; your bill is going to be long, so your paycheck better be fat.
Your mother is going to be the judge, and she is expected to be free, fair and impartial in her ruling and the awarding of damages. You are hereby advised via this post to stop with your cooing, laughing, smiling and making of those soft baby eyes you always give your mother. Your interactions with her shall now be videoed and monitored. That’s right, I’m on to you.
Should you go ahead to try and still win her to your side, know it won’t be an easy task. I’ve had over seven years of wooing her under my belt, seven years before you came along. I’m pretty sure I’ll still be able to turn on the charm. Tough break, son, my smile trumps yours.
Please bear in mind that inflation shall be taken into account when the final bill is presented to you, that full bottle of bleach you poured all over the bathroom floor can’t still be 200 naira many years down the line. Once again, being a tough lawyer or accountant would come in handy for you.
Finally, go ahead, son, let loose all over the house, play with your toys, smash my phone on the floor, pull down the game console by the wires, tear apart my paperback novels and keep pulling mommy’s weave off. I’ll just be in the corner, telling you I love you as I make yet another entry of your destruction into my dairy.
Written by Anyibaba