You can’t always control who you get attracted to or fall in love with. If I could control who I fell for, I would definitely not have chosen to fall in love with someone else’s husband, even though when I gave my heart to him, I did not know he belonged to another.
It happened. It just happened. He was just so easy to fall in love with.
I knew something had to go wrong, because it was too good to be true. He was too good to be true. He was simply the most amazing man. It sometimes gets hard to describe just how special he is. He has such a kind, loving heart. Intelligent, funny, passionate, romantic, hard working and absolutely the most handsome man I have ever seen. It got hard to believe that so many great qualities could reside in one person.
There was no denying on my part the strength of the strong connection we had. I couldn’t resist or stay away. My walls couldn’t hold up against the appeal he wielded over me. I hadn’t felt that way about someone since as far back as I can remember. I can’t even describe how he made me feel. I would just walk around all day with a goofy smile on my face. Yes. He gave me back my smile. He made me feel loved and wanted. That’s something I hadn’t felt in a really long time. Oh, I do feel wanted, I get lots of that. But never anyone I wanted back. Until he came along.
There were times I wished he was mine. But of course, the cold reality was that he was not mine. He belonged to someone else.
I got to understand this when he told me. A couple of days ago, he told me he was engaged to be married to the mother of his child. This broke me into pieces. I remember listening to his velvet voice on the phone drop that bombshell. I remember thinking he was joking, and then praying he was joking. I sat there on the couch after the phone call and stared at my phone. I could feel my heart in my throat. Never before in my life have I felt so much anguish. My heart felt like it was literally imploding.
He claimed he still wanted me. He claimed that his engagement makes no difference, that his marriage wouldn’t change how he felt for me. But my mind tells me to walk away. My mind tells me that if I stay, one day, he would disappear, and I’d be left heartbroken. My mind tells me that it’d be better to have my heart broken once by walking away, than to stay and know the pain of losing him over and over again.
My mind tells me a lot of things. What could it know – what really, about the matters of the heart?
There is no way I can let go. He has touched me too deep down inside me like no one ever has for me to simply let go. Besides, he hadn’t asked me to let go. And so, I intend to stay. I know this is probably not a good idea. I know the risk is high, that I could get hurt. But trying to resist my feelings is futile and I cannot stay away. He has defined happiness in my heart in so many languages.
And so, even though I know that there are many realities that will soon greet me, realities that will threaten my happiness – such as when he’d get married and have to spend more time with his family, causing me to feel neglected – I will carry on. Even now that I foresee all the pain I would go through by being with him still, I will carry on. All the time I would get to spend with him would be worth it, and I won’t regret a single second of it.
I refuse to think about the other woman. I feel the pang of guilt every now and then, when I think about how I might be contributing to ruining the perfect life she envisages building with my man. But my longing of him will never go away. The heart wants what the heart wants. And right now, what my heart wants is every second, every minute, every moment I can get and cherish with this man, someone else’s husband.
Written by John Ronie