Hello, my name is Dennis Macaulay. Yes, that Dennis Macaulay, and no thank you, I did not. This will be the first time that I’ll be writing here. And today, I am penning something that seriously “bothereth” me.

Now I attend a lot of weddings; I love attending weddings. I like wedding jollof rice, free wine and pretty bridesmaids to flirt with. My friends say I should be a wedding journalist (what is that even?) judging by the number of weddings I attend regularly.

However there are some things I don’t like about Nigerian weddings. I want to share six of such things with you:

  1. I don’t understand when they call people out to observe the bride and groom cutting their wedding cake, and then asking these people to tell us what they observed. I don’t know where this practice is from. And it makes absolutely no sense to me, as they always observe the same thing. “…they cut the cake in unity and their marriage will be marked by unity of purpose…” *rolls eyes from Port Harcourt to Palm Springs*
  2. I do not like the inconsistency of cake-makers at weddings when they come out to unveil the wedding cake and explain its symbolism. I used to think I would learn about colorology from these people, but they are often inconsistent and contradictory. Today, yellow is for purity; next wedding, another cake-maker says yellow symbolizes fertility. Someone says purple is for royalty, another person will say it represents wealth. Red is for passion, says one designer, but the woman from Onitsha will come and say it’s for the Blood of Jesus. *stops self from rolling eyes* Please I need several seats to hand these men and women.
  3. Can somebody tell me why the bride is expected to kneel down to feed the groom a piece of the wedding cake as part of her first “official assignment”? It does look cute sometimes, until you realize that the groom is not expected to do the same when feeding the bride. Have we already set different standards even before the marriage starts? *waving my feminist card*
  4. Why is there always one busybody auntie (usually from the bride’s family) who decides to put herself in charge of the event, even when there is an official wedding planner? She interferes with the work of the planner, bullies the caterer, decides who gets what gift pack, harasses the Maid of Honor for not holding the train of the bride’s gown well (and goes on to demonstrate how it’s done) even when the bride has not complained. She is often all over the venue of reception, and if you sit for just five minutes at a wedding, you will spot this archetype.
  5. And don’t get me started on the politics of who gets food and who doesn’t, and who gets what drink and who doesn’t get any drink at all. Your level of importance (in the eyes of this same aunt) is rated by the kind of drink you get placed in front of you. If you get champagne or at least white wine, then consider yourself important. If you get maltina, well, keep quiet and use the can for the toast to the couple, as clearly you are not that important. However you can “show” her by spraying crisp one thousand naira notes, and see how fast you get handed the best gift pack. LOL
  6. Now the food is the most annoying, because serial wedding attendees (SWA) like me know that wedding jollof rice is everything. However the politics of being served early and being served good portions is another matter. Your best bet is to make sure you are decked out in aso-ebi (safer if you are wearing the bride’s family’s aso-ebi because they are usually in charge of the food), or flirt with one of the bridesmaids who will ensure that your table does not lack food. So I don’t like the fact that I have to buy aso-ebi to attend the wedding, if not I will not be fed well. *sigh*

Just as I am finishing this, yet another wedding invite SMS has dropped into my phone and I am off to Jumia.com to find something nice to wear, because if you don’t dress well, you may not even be allowed into the hall. LOL

Dennis Macaulay is an alien shipwrecked on earth and still trying to figure out humans.

About shakespeareanwalter

Walt Shakes(@Walt_Shakes) is an award-winning Nigerian writer, poet and veteran blogger. He is a lover of the written word. the faint whiff of nature, the flashing vista of movies, the warmth of companionship and the happy sound of laughter.

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  1. What I don’t like about weddings is always when the priest or pastor ask the couple before vows, if they take each other as lovely wedding couple. Lawd! What were they doing there in the first place? To collect voters’ card?

  2. I just couldn’t stop laughing!!!!!
    And when I read Elvis comment, I laughed the more!!!! Kai!!!!!
    Macaulay! You are one funny personality! And the truth is this happens at almost all weddings o! Praying it won’t happen at mine sha! Lols!!!!!!

  3. cant help but laugh over this but all is true most expecially d issue of i too sabi sister’. @Elvis they r not there for only voters card also to vote. dont mind our pastors.

  4. Soo true, lol. Esp that Aunty I almost yelled at a not so close Aunt on my wedding but didn’t want to be termed a ‘bridezilla’. Why are you everywhere? i haven’t seen you since 1999…
    But that kneeling thing has changed o, i didn’t kneel and so did a couple of ppl i know, i sat on my hubby’s laps n fed him #savethewomen

  5. I’ve come to realise that no matter how well planned your wedding is, someone will still go home unsatisfied. So to be on a safe side, I go to weddings expecting nothing at all. Works fine for me.

  6. oh the MC brought my parents into the matter and insisted I kneel oh knowing very well it wont happen again. its funny seeing those aunties strut around. word of advice people, make sure you load your stomach before going for a wedding oh else….. OYO is ya case.

  7. LOL. I thoroughly enjoyed this. The writer captured my thoughts, exactly the way I would have voiced them.
    I absolutely detest that kneeling thing and I sometimes…sometimes feel like smacking the brides who do it.

    Thanks Dennis, for reminding me of things not to do, if I eventually decide to get married.

    • shakespeareanwalter

      IF?!?! :O *staring with n pity at the queue of dudes waiting to buy Eketi’s wife material*

      • LOL @ Eketi and Walter’s rejoinder. Una sef.
        Anyway, I didn’t kneel. I warned the MC seriously before the ceremony about what I wanted so there was no ‘cake cutting’ observer and the cake maker was only acknowledged and she had a few seconds to advertise her cakemaking. LOL
        As for that Aunty, I made sure they had their 5 seconds of fame at the trad wedding controlled by my folks. At my wedding, they actually saw they were not needed. And I was too ‘bridey’ to notice otherwise. LOL

  8. Dress well (in a well starched agbada) you will get served. Most actually compere most weddings i attend these days so i get served like a boss 😀

  9. That watching the bride and groom cut the cAKE think has alwYs looked awkward tho me….some people will now try to spice it up…..I could see that the mN’s hand was on top…this means she is submissive……fresh…lwkm….asking if they want to get married is basically to avoid someone coming to say she actually thought that the white dress was an APC uniform and hence the wedding doesn’t count….stranger things have happened

  10. Hehehe..
    Good read but you did not talk about the cake sharing.
    You see me? I like cakes!!!

    How can they place one mountain of cake on display and not give us from it?
    Sometimes sef, you’d see them passing train with these tiny bits of cake-looking-things… Reminds me of one of those Tom and Jerry scenes when Tom tries to lure Jerry out with a tiny piece of cheese.

    • shakespeareanwalter

      I swear, Harmeet. I went for one wedding reception. The cake that the bride and groom cut could feed Africa. But the itty-bitty stuff passed around on trays – Goodness me! Even mice would complain of under-feeding.

      • Darris because, those giant cake sontin sontin are actually dummies.

        • They are not dummies o, they are reserved for the bride’s family, the groom’s family’ the couple, the kindred men, etc. Its usually shared tier by tier, one for each group.

  11. I like this Dennis fellow 😀
    Makes me want to write something about this too.

  12. Lolzzz….lwkmd….and about the gift part, most times we don’t use the gifts anyway so if I have to buy also-ebi because of a gift. They can as well keep it jare.

  13. Hehhehhehe! Cant stop laughing. Who is this Dennis,you deserve a kiss.

  14. Hahhahja
    i enjoyed this piece. Although my first comment disappeared. Don’t know why, I guess that’s another thing not to like abiut weddings. Your comment on a post about not likimg weddings disappears.

  15. Sorry o, bet diaris nothing you can do about all of them….maybe if you kill all your aunts or not invite them (and smell your yansh). Belle-full is he that sits close to the caterers and forms nice to them for he shall be served first (and well). Sometimes even the women in the drawer dont get to eat(1st hand experience)

  16. Sigh.
    So true.

  17. firstlady Temidayo

    Oho.. You have spoken and I have heard. I love weddings ehn!!! As in affectionately, except for these things too. And I have learnt a couple of things here. 1. Dress well, (like d bride mom abi) extremely noted. 2. Form nice to d caterers… Duly noted too. Would do dis next saturday and com back here with reports.

  18. weddings…so after the bride n d groom have been joined together at the traditional marriage, the pastor splits them at the altar again before joining them…together again….

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