Hello, my name is Dennis Macaulay. Yes, that Dennis Macaulay, and no thank you, I did not. This will be the first time that I’ll be writing here. And today, I am penning something that seriously “bothereth” me.
Now I attend a lot of weddings; I love attending weddings. I like wedding jollof rice, free wine and pretty bridesmaids to flirt with. My friends say I should be a wedding journalist (what is that even?) judging by the number of weddings I attend regularly.
However there are some things I don’t like about Nigerian weddings. I want to share six of such things with you:
- I don’t understand when they call people out to observe the bride and groom cutting their wedding cake, and then asking these people to tell us what they observed. I don’t know where this practice is from. And it makes absolutely no sense to me, as they always observe the same thing. “…they cut the cake in unity and their marriage will be marked by unity of purpose…” *rolls eyes from Port Harcourt to Palm Springs*
- I do not like the inconsistency of cake-makers at weddings when they come out to unveil the wedding cake and explain its symbolism. I used to think I would learn about colorology from these people, but they are often inconsistent and contradictory. Today, yellow is for purity; next wedding, another cake-maker says yellow symbolizes fertility. Someone says purple is for royalty, another person will say it represents wealth. Red is for passion, says one designer, but the woman from Onitsha will come and say it’s for the Blood of Jesus. *stops self from rolling eyes* Please I need several seats to hand these men and women.
- Can somebody tell me why the bride is expected to kneel down to feed the groom a piece of the wedding cake as part of her first “official assignment”? It does look cute sometimes, until you realize that the groom is not expected to do the same when feeding the bride. Have we already set different standards even before the marriage starts? *waving my feminist card*
- Why is there always one busybody auntie (usually from the bride’s family) who decides to put herself in charge of the event, even when there is an official wedding planner? She interferes with the work of the planner, bullies the caterer, decides who gets what gift pack, harasses the Maid of Honor for not holding the train of the bride’s gown well (and goes on to demonstrate how it’s done) even when the bride has not complained. She is often all over the venue of reception, and if you sit for just five minutes at a wedding, you will spot this archetype.
- And don’t get me started on the politics of who gets food and who doesn’t, and who gets what drink and who doesn’t get any drink at all. Your level of importance (in the eyes of this same aunt) is rated by the kind of drink you get placed in front of you. If you get champagne or at least white wine, then consider yourself important. If you get maltina, well, keep quiet and use the can for the toast to the couple, as clearly you are not that important. However you can “show” her by spraying crisp one thousand naira notes, and see how fast you get handed the best gift pack. LOL
- Now the food is the most annoying, because serial wedding attendees (SWA) like me know that wedding jollof rice is everything. However the politics of being served early and being served good portions is another matter. Your best bet is to make sure you are decked out in aso-ebi (safer if you are wearing the bride’s family’s aso-ebi because they are usually in charge of the food), or flirt with one of the bridesmaids who will ensure that your table does not lack food. So I don’t like the fact that I have to buy aso-ebi to attend the wedding, if not I will not be fed well. *sigh*
Just as I am finishing this, yet another wedding invite SMS has dropped into my phone and I am off to Jumia.com to find something nice to wear, because if you don’t dress well, you may not even be allowed into the hall. LOL
Dennis Macaulay is an alien shipwrecked on earth and still trying to figure out humans.