“Why do you feel this way?”
“You think he may be competition?”
“Do you think you are not good enough?”
“Have you suddenly developed inferiority complex?”
“Is that jealousy in you?”
“Or is it that you do not want to be left…again?”
These questions ran through my mind, but I could not put a name to what I was feeling, when a bae told me about a newly-made friend and how close they were getting. Yes, My Mind Snapped! Once bitten, twice shy. Twice bitten, you become afraid of the unknown. Thrice? Then you may not have learnt how to protect yourself.
I remembered I had been in similar situations before and how they ended. For the first time in my life, I was scared of relationships. I was afraid it could be happening again. But then, I was also confused because I did not know how to label this feeling. Then consciously, I brought back my mind, lubricated it with words of wisdom, wrapped it up, sealed it and put it back where it should be.
You see, I was the one that always got dumped in my relationships. All of them. For no wrong I did. More than half of them were because my lovers met someone else. Yet, they all told me the same lines: “You were too good for me… I did not want to keep deceiving you… You are one of the nicest persons I have ever met… You deserve better… bla, bla, bla…”
At one point, an ex even introduced this side lover to me as a friend while we were still dating – I mean, that was really smart – so I would not suspect a thing. And all the while, they were getting it on behind me, in front of me, beside me, and everywhere around me. The deceit was out of this world. All hell broke loose when I snooped (I know that was a wrong thing to do and I will never snoop again. Lol) and I stumbled on the thread of messages between them that exposed how long this had been going on. In fact, they’d even plotted how I would be dumped. Bills were on me if we ever hung out for our favourite drink of Scooshes at Dodo’s stand (God rest her soul) at Fela Shrine, hangouts where the other man tagged along. So you can imagine how hurt I was when I also found out that I was indirectly taking care of my rival’s bills, phone recharge et cetera whenever I sent money to my ex.
The other tragic incident of being left is recent and still hurts a bit, even though I have moved on and forgiven the mistakes. I cannot really say if it was being left that hurt me more or the fact that I was cheated on for a long time with someone who knew my lover had a lover and still vowed to steal my lover from me. According to my ex, they were just supposed to be friends and hang out with each other once in a while, since I was not close by. But things got out of hand and my ex developed feelings for him. One thing led to another and they became an item. Maybe if the affair was a one-off thing and my lover came to confess and apologise, I would have forgiven and still carried on with the relationship. But can anyone really be stolen from their lover if they have not made themselves available to be stolen?
The truth is this: whoever you are with will always meet someone who they feel looks, dresses, walks, or acts better than you do. It happens. We are human. We are flawed like that. But it is your partner’s choice to cheat on you, leave you or stick with you. It is on them, not you. So, do not blame yourself if you feel this way or get left for no fault of yours.
Having been through all this, I have also learnt not to place too many expectations on people or lovers, whether in the form of fidelity, attention, care, recognition or validation. Again, we are human and our wants are insatiable. But the more you expect from them, the more you get hurt when those expectations are not met. Then you become bitter, and that consumes you.
Whatever or whoever is yours is yours. Whoever isn’t won’t last long with you. The right person who likes you for your personality and does not feel you do too much or that you are too much to handle, will come and will stay. If you have the opportunity to hold someone’s attention and heart, even for a short while, make the best of it. While loving them, also focus on yourself and do not lose yourself, because after they are long gone, the one person you will always have to be there for you is you. These all come down to self-love; knowing your worth, your value and adding tax to it.
However, I am writing about insecurity.
After my mind snapped and came back, I affirmed that I was not jealous. Because truly, I was not. I also do not have inferiority complex, because I am good and comfortable in my own skin. Most especially, I was not insecure. I was only being cautious as I should have been. I knew how to bring myself back. I’d been bitten twice. A third time would mean I still have not learnt how to protect my heart, my mind. I have healed. I can take back the power I give, I am able to protect myself, so, I should confidently hold my own against this insecurity; confident not cocky.
Do not let insecurity stand in the way of your happiness. When those thoughts come for you in that dark moment, bring yourself back and consciously push them out of your mind. Life is too short for insecurities and unhappiness. Focus on the good things, the good times and the brighter side. But if you cannot deal, simply walk away and do you two some good.
This was how my mind snapped today. Do you feel insecure? Have you felt insecure? What makes you insecure? How did you deal with it?
I’d like to know what you think.
Written by Peter Okeugo