Welcome, gentlemen…oh, and I see we have a few ladies here as well too. Well then, welcome one and all. I’m all for equal opportunity in all things, you know, and in your case it’s crime and for me, punishment!
We have translators here to ensure that every single word I say is well understood by you.
Getting to the matter at hand… I would like to first of all apologize for the slight headache you may be experiencing now. That is due to the sedative given to you upon departure wearing off. You will all be given a shot of enough adrenaline to wake you up and keep you alert. Trust me, you will need to be alert for what will happen next.
As you well know, you’re all here for a reason. And what is that reason? … I can’t hear you? Oh rats, you’re bound and gagged. Bummer. Well then, I’ll spell it out for you.
You are here after being tried and found guilty of a plethora of crimes against humanity. Most of these crimes are of the gruesome and colorful variety: assault on children, rape, violent crimes ranging from beheadings to amputations, masterminding bombings and such. I’d wager that among the sixty or so of you here, you have managed to take the lives of, at the very least, 2000 people.
But I don’t expect you to be bothered by such figures. After all, it was all for a good cause, n’est pas?
So what are we all – oh wait, the gags. I guess I’ll have to answer all those questions.
As you can see, you are in some sort of flying device surrounded by unsmiling men and women in combat gear and big guns. Let me explain.
You are aboard a Boeing CH-47D Chinook which is basically a very big transport helicopter used to transport troops, and in your case, vile criminals, to their destination. The aforementioned ladies and gents with guns are a conglomerate of the very best troops from around the world: the US, Syria, Iraq, Libya, Egypt, Nigeria and Russia. They are here to see to it that you get to where you are going without trying out any funny stuff.
What do I mean by funny stuff? In a word: escape.
Let me make this clear. There is no escape here. If you try anything, you will be shot and dumped.
Now please, if you will look at your chests…let me give you a minute there….okay, you will see that you are strapped. Yes, those are parachutes. Why do you need parachutes? Let me answer that for you.
Officer Al-Khaled, would you please lower the exit chute? … And officers, kindly move the prisoners back while that happens… Okay… Okay, thank you.
Voila, ladies and gentlemen! Look at the view!
Do you see that island yonder? The island surrounded by beautiful blue sea, the one that looks like something out of a holiday brochure? Yes, that one. You see it, yes? I would like you to nod if you do? Good…good…thank you for your cooperation.
That, ladies and gents, is to be your home for anywhere from the next 5 minutes to the next 5 weeks. Why so short a time, you may wonder? Here is why.
That is an island that, despite its appealing aura, holds a secret.
This island, your new home, is called Ilha de Queimada Grande. Sounds nice and exotic, doesn’t it? It is roughly 4.6 million square feet in size…enough to host you all, I should think.
However, there is a, uh, slight issue with this island that we’re planning to toss you into.
It’s got snakes.
And not just any kind of snake. It is home to the Golden Lancehead Viper, the deadliest snake known to man, with venom potent enough to melt human flesh.
And make no mistake here, this island doesn’t have just a ‘few’ snakes but…well, quite A LOT. It’s got five to seven of these critters per square meter. Oh, what do I see? Is that shock in your eyes? Fear? Despair?
That’s rather interesting. You should all be familiar with these looks. Those are the looks your victims had on their faces before you destroyed them without mercy. And now, you will pay for it. You will, quite literally, fight for your survival.
What we are going to do now is this: we are going to hover above this island in various spots and un-cuff you. Then we are going to shove you out of this helicopter in groups of 10, giving you a chance to pull your parachutes…or not, if you prefer a quicker end. For each group of ten, we have magnanimously strapped one person with enough supplies to last 10 people 2 days…or one person 20 days. You do the math.
So…you will now have a choice. You either band together to fight the vipers and eat…or you try and kill each other in a bid to survive longer. Oh…and did I forget to mention that one person in each group will have a loaded revolver with 6 bullets? It might come in handy to shoot the vipers…or one of your ‘team’. You might even find it quite useful and tempting to use on yourself if one of the vipers gets you.
Oh and I might also add: don’t even bother trying to swim off the island. The perimeter has been cordoned with water mines so that might not be a good idea. Also we will have teams patrolling the marine perimeter to see to it that you remain on the island.
I see some of you struggling. I see tears in some of your eyes. And I ask you this: did you regard the tears and struggles of those whose lives you so gruesomely destroyed, many of them children and people too weak to defend themselves? Did you offer mercy when you heard their screams? Did you think at all?
What you are about to receive is retribution. Retribution for your heinous crimes, and you will serve as a deterrent to those who may think about doing what you did. And if your fellow killers are still adamant in continuing what they do then…well…there’s a lot of space on Snake Island, more than enough to accommodate them.
And so, without further ado…
Who wants to go first?
Oh well, you leave me no choice.
Officer, grab that one there. Yes…oh, do stop squirming so. Yes…please, Officers, help out and subdue him. Uncuff him and remove the gag…
Oh, what a caterwauling! I regret removing that gag. Yes…
A good shove and…
PULL THE CHUTE! PULL IT OR YOU WON’T…
Oh. Oops. Yikes. That must have hurt. Oh well, make that 59 of you now. One less for group one and a better chance for those supplies, eh?
I’d really like to wish you all good luck but we all know I wish you all nothing good. I wish you what you’ve earned by your own brutality. And, on a more ironic note, being around a bunch of poisonous vipers shouldn’t be much of a challenge for you all. You should be accustomed to that kind of company at this point.
I think I’ve talked enough.
Officers, if you would be so kind as to show them their way out to their new home…
Written by Sifa Asani Gowon