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Much Ado About The Friendzone

The following was penned by Eketi Ette as her Facebook update, and it proved to be so hilarious, I simply had to share. You know how I love to bring laughter to all ye lovely people of MyMindSnaps. Do read and enjoy. 😀

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Friend zone. /ˈfrend ˌzəʊn/

“That special place where a guy who is romantically eyeing a babe or vice versa is relegated, like a poorly performing football club. Persons in this zone are referred to by the party they like as, “brother, sister, my best friend, “she’s like one of my guys…he’s like a male girlfriend…etc.”

This word has the ability to break hearts, make grown men cry in agony, while clutching their pillows at night. At the mention of it, some women pine in the privacy of their bedrooms, kissing pictures and drawing hearts and cupid arrows all over their jotters. Some may even play FLAMES, one cross-off childhood matchmaking game like that (if you don’t know it, ask someone).

On the other hand, being in that place has been known to turn some people to juju-consulting and application experts; others to serial killers who take out the competition until they’re the last man or woman standing. Then their crush would have no choice but to notice them.

If you’ve ever been there, let’s gist. I tell you mine, you tell me yours.

A long time ago, I had the unfortunate experience of being in the Friendzone. I was on my own, jeje jeje mi, when this young man popped out of somewhere and we became friends, then best friends. We shall call him That Fine Boy. We talked about everything. I had no secrets from him; I told him things I didn’t even tell my mother, who was my best friend before he dethroned her. He too had no secrets from me. At least that’s what I thought, until the day she came along.

Now, before that time, I realised how mushy I’d begun to feel towards That Fine Boy. So, during a conversation one day, I said, “Bros, I like you.” He replied that he liked me too. I knew he wasn’t coding my moves.

“You don’t understand. I like you like that.” Mm-hmm.

His looked up very fast and his eyes met mine. He gave me a stare so rich in ‘Ewww’, I wished I’d kept my mouth shut.

“Eketi,” he said, looking at me with a mixture of pity and affection, “we’re just friends o. Shebi you know?”

I understood, sharperly. And because I didn’t wish to ruin a good thing, I was happy with being best friends. Until her.

The girl, whom we shall call That Friend Spoiler, wasn’t beautiful. She wasn’t pretty either. She was just there – you know what I mean. I didn’t think she was smart either… Of course, my mind was heavily cloaked by the green fog of jealousy at the time; so that assertion may be inaccurate.

I hated her. She said she liked me, that she wanted us to be friends. Friend-gini? Tufiakwa!

I tried to be happy for him, I really did. But whenever I saw them together, which was often, my face was like moi-moi that hadn’t been warmed for forty days and forty nights. When the three of us hung out, I would try to please him by being the perfect best friend. I would smile until the sun bleached my teeth.

Soon, his sister noticed the change in me and asked me if I was romantically interested in him. See this girl, trying to rob me of my pride, which was all I had left.

“Me? Like him?” I asked, staring at her like you-don-dey-craze. “God forbid! He’s like my brother.”

“Then why don’t you like her? She’s a nice girl.”

I rolled my eyes to Jupiter and back.

Being in the Friendzone can pain eeeehh!

You know they’re not that into you, but you still find yourself doing mumu-mumu things, like trolling their Facebook page to see if they’ve changed their status to ‘in a relationship with’; liking, sharing and retweeting everything they put on social media; going through the girl’s Facebook page and wishing Zuckerberg would hurry up and add a dislike button; making a voodoo doll out of dry, brown plantain leaves and chuking it with needul; borrowing her stuff and then “misplacing” them; watching them on their wedding day and wishing you could just “mistakenly” pour that flute of champagne over her head, while making the toast…

(I didn’t say I did any of the above o).

Eventually, I got out of the zone to a safe place where I was genuinely happy for the two of them.

I learned to say how I feel instead of dying in silence. I fought for what I wanted. I learned to let go with dignity. I cut down on pretence. But above all, I became skilled in the art of friendzoning other people. (Please, don’t judge me)

So, to those of you out there who’re still in this situation, sorry, you hear? To love is a beautiful thing, yes. But don’t keep pining for unrequited love, wey be like ajayi work; e no dey pay.

If that person you feel something for is still single and free, please talk your mind, ho-ha. Else, you go old o!

If however the person already has someone in their life, sing with me – “let it gooooo…let it gooooo…”

Love is a choice; choose to move on and love someone else. Life is short; live it with someone who loves you back. The Friendzone is not a place; avoid it as much as you can.

And if you’re still in doubt, listen to the song, Next Door To Alice by Smokie and weep for yourself.

The End.

This admonishment was brought to you by Eketi Ette.

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Well, you heard the lady. She said she’ll gist you hers, and you’ll gist her yours. So, over to you, guys, tell us about your Friendzone. 😀


About shakespeareanwalter

Walt Shakes(@Walt_Shakes) is an award-winning Nigerian writer, poet and veteran blogger. He is a lover of the written word. the faint whiff of nature, the flashing vista of movies, the warmth of companionship and the happy sound of laughter.

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42 comments

  1. I for one has never been friend-zoned Buh ve friend-zoned a few boys. Hehehe. What i’ve more dan experienced however is when a guy is “not just that into you”. How I love that movie so. Taught me a lot of thngs. Now when a guy is not forth-comn, ve learned to keep my emotions to mysef thnk u v much!

    • shakespeareanwalter

      You’ve never been friendzoned but you have friendzoned a few boys, eh? See ya life? Be expecting an epic friendzone very soon for all the hearts you have broken. 😛

  2. Hmm… the friendzone; how often have u kept me in ur embrace … My experiences are too embarrassing so I’ll just chill for others to share theirs …

  3. Eketi…….you got me laughing this morning. I can t even say one of my experiences. But trust me, I can’t count the number of people I’ve friend-zoned since then. I became a master in the art.

  4. The friendzone….. Pretty hilarious. I don’t think I’ve been there….. But pls what do you call it when a lady you are attracted to starts calling you ‘daddy’ and/or ‘son’… Lol

  5. I don’t know what to call what happened to me in relation to friendzone. Me and the guy OBVIOUSLY liked(as in like like) each other for the whole world to see. But as it would happen na, bros no gree take the next move…so we were friends who liked each other….till another of my friend was taken by him(they lasted like a worrisome few months). I am actually thankful that l did not end up dating him bcos he turned out to be a confused person…he likes something in one lady and another thing in someone else at the same time, so he does not know who to go with

  6. I’ve been friend zoned before, was not really a big deal. The girl was way above my pay grade, we discussed it and moved on. We are still very good friends till date.

  7. The friendzone, I’ve not been there…ever. But I can admit to keeping some guys there. D:

  8. All these #FamilyZones and #FriendZones you’re sharing
    ehn, kontunu. I sha want you
    to know dat dia ris God o!
    Ha!!!! Julie is so guilty of friend
    zoning o! Bhet nor be my fault sha.
    Lols!!!!!!

  9. Eketi is right you know.
    Have I ever been friend zoned? Nope. I’d rather die in silence than let a guy fling me to a corner.
    Have i ever friend zoned someone? Not intentionally. He just assumed something was going on between us and started vexing when I started dating someone else. Meanwhile throughout I was single, he never asked me out o.

  10. *ROFLOL*!!! You all have got me in stitches o! diarris God o in all these -zones you people are sharing!
    I have done the familyZone a couple of times to some really annoying dudes.
    Done the friendzone too. Unfortunately, I think I have been friendzoned too…#sigh by a French bloke for that matter…that one pain eh! but we still friends tho…I grew out of it.
    *Personal Declaration* I shall never be friend/familyZoned again!!!
    The End.
    Eketi, you are awesome. 🙂

  11. Beautiful piece!…love the “love is a choice.choose to move on and love someone else” statement..well,..like some have already said..i’m the “rather die in silence” type. i’v never been friend-zoned..but #sigh..i have friend-zoned a couple shaa.. No be ma fault o.

  12. And all along I thought friendzone was a place God created for ‘nice guys’ to punish them being such wusses. Didn’t realize it was a unisex zone.

  13. The Family Zone or Friend Zone is just dreadful n dis piece is just hilarious! But wait o…e be like se person don friendzone me sef. Immediately ma crush started calling me ‘dude’,I knew it was over before it even started!

  14. The comments or the actual post, I nor even know which one pain pass /funny pass.

    “We have all friendzoned and have being friendzoned in return”
    As for the experience, maka gini! That na story for the God’s, lets leave that for another day.

  15. Lmfao hahahaha hahahaha

  16. Hmmmm… let me just summarize two.
    I have a friend whom I shared some close friendship with, infact we were the closest friend of the opposite sex to each other…he asked me out…I friendzoned him (I was 16 and had ‘cogent reasons’). Oboy, soon after the dude started dating someone else (I wan die), didn’t know I loved him all along (my cup of kunu)…Thank God I got over it (difficult though), now I am happy for them and we are still good friends.
    Another friend of mine…we liked each other o…infact according to him, I was his ideal woman but the guy was not just saying anything solid, so I advised myself mbok!
    As it turns out, I ended up dating a guy I friendzoned but who just kept on being close enough to offer a shoulder to lean on yet far enough to avoid pestering me. His consistency paid off because he is now my sugar and spice and everything nice.
    Advise: As a zonee you might still stand a chance o, but if u don try and nothing dey show abeg gather ur remaining akp’obi and find ur square-root, no be by force.
    Hmmm, I have done a whole lot of zoning myself…and I still do (some people no just dey hear word).
    @Eketti, this write-up is so on point.

  17. Most zoners are people who want to eat their cake and have it. You don’t like him/her like that but you still need the person around for some reason or the other. Been there, done that. Selfish right? Lol!

  18. so funny!

    oh… and that dreadful look of pity. aaargh!

  19. I enjoyed reading this… the conclusion is on point!

  20. I am in a friend zone now, by someone I suspect is in another person’a friend zone. Hmmm! Well I know the rules and I am waiting on this one and learning through the experience. I have learnt that it is not good to be alone too long, you could become relationship rusty.
    Now, I want her and I am waiting by the side and hoping and biding my time, and doing the lover want to be as much as she allow. No regrets cos I love her person and if I don’t get a lover I get a friend and a few lessons to help me get a lover after.

  21. Urh!
    What to say?
    Well I have been a good girl all my life perhaps too good…. Books in my head I decided to friend zone him…. It was the best thing to do at the time…. But gbagauns he’s dating my best friend now….. Burh I am counting days all dis shildren of today who wouldn’t read be doing lurv aburt…. Blablabla
    Question :
    If I friend zone a person I really don’t like and I get irritated cos he’s dating my bestie is that me in love?

    • shakespeareanwalter

      It’s you not facing up to the fact that you might in fact have feelings for this person you think you really don’t like.

  22. Eketi is damn hilarious and down to earth, this is just truth.

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