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MUCH ADO ABOUT MASTURBATION

The following is a chatversation between a brother in the Lord (who we’ll refer to as Pastor Chris) and a wanker (who we’ll refer to as Apostle). Lol. It is quite the interesting, amusing exchange. Check on it.

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[5:12 PM, 3/29/2017] Pastor Chris: How far u

[6:44 PM, 3/29/2017] Apostle: Good evening

[7:10 PM, 3/29/2017] Pastor Chris: How r u doing?

[7:57 PM, 3/29/2017] Apostle: Fucking tired. And horny. I seem to be horny a lot these days.

[7:57 PM, 3/29/2017] Apostle: How’s work?

[8:03 PM, 3/29/2017] Pastor Chris: Wetin dey worry u guy

[8:06 PM, 3/29/2017] Apostle: Nothing

[8:07 PM, 3/29/2017] Pastor Chris: Horny ke

[8:07 PM, 3/29/2017] Apostle: Yeah. Shrug. It’s natural

[8:07 PM, 3/29/2017] Apostle: I am a guy, after all

[8:07 PM, 3/29/2017] Pastor Chris: I hope you’re not doing some immortality stuffs.

[8:08 PM, 3/29/2017] Apostle: Like…?

[8:08 PM, 3/29/2017] Pastor Chris: Masturbate

[8:09 PM, 3/29/2017] Apostle: Oh, that. Did that yesterday, maybe tomorrow, or later tonight if I get really horny

[8:12 PM, 3/29/2017] Pastor Chris: That’s really against the word of God

[8:13 PM, 3/29/2017] Pastor Chris: That’s the devil at work really

[8:13 PM, 3/29/2017] Apostle: I don’t see anything wrong with it, to be honest.

[8:14 PM, 3/29/2017] Pastor Chris: God has not called you into that kind of life. It is not scriptural.

[8:14 PM, 3/29/2017] Pastor Chris: Wasting semen. It is like having sex.

[8:17 PM, 3/29/2017] Apostle: No, it’s not. What are you storing the semen for, if I may ask?

[8:17 PM, 3/29/2017] Apostle: The human body produces new semen every 3 days or so. But I’m not here to discuss biology.

[8:18 PM, 3/29/2017] Apostle: I believe masturbation is a harmless and healthy activity. You can choose to believe otherwise, that’s your prerogative.

[8:20 PM, 3/29/2017] Pastor Chris: I’m talking scripture, u are saying biology. Maybe u don’t believe the scripture sha

[8:20 PM, 3/29/2017] Apostle: Maybe

[8:24 PM, 3/29/2017] Pastor Chris: Masturbation is the stimulation of one’s genitals with one’s hands for sexual pleasure. Many have called masturbation a normal thing because it has to do with the satisfaction of one’s feelings. Many people today masturbate because they don’t want to be moved by the physical attractions of the opposite sex when they go out. Masturbation is seen to be very pleasurable when one has no partner to have sexual intercourse with. But this same thing has a very big disadvantage. Its alluring nature makes its victims become addicts to it. Many even enjoy it more than normal sex. Masturbation is evil; it is a type of sexual immorality, and it has its reward. There is a spirit of sexual immorality assigned to it that gives the bearer an ever growing desire to continue engaging in it after the first experience. In male, masturbation is very bad; it may feel pleasing to the bearer at the moment but a time comes when the effect will start showing. First, the man will be easily carried away by pornographic videos or pictures: he could ejaculate without anyone touching him. This is because his male organ is now sensitive to every touch. His brains becomes very fast in calculating what is to happen in the video, and this makes him know what the pone actor is to do next. Because of his great expectation of what the pone actor is about to do, before he knows it, he has ejaculated. This is so because masturbation takes a lot of hallucination: the bearer imagines that he was doing it with a girl. And when he is used to this act, his male organ becomes sensitive to his touch, and even the touch of a female, thereby making him not last long during real sex. To every action, there is an equal and opposite reaction. Whoever sows in the flesh, will in turn reap in the flesh. (Galatians 6:7) This topic has become so relevant because it is one of the problems that lead to broken homes in the world today. Romans 1:24 says, Therefore God gave them over in the sinful desires of their hearts to sexual impurity for the degrading of their bodies with one another.

[8:25 PM, 3/29/2017] Apostle: Ok. Let’s start

[8:55 PM, 3/29/2017] Apostle: 1. “Many people today masturbate because they don’t want to be moved by the physical attractions of the opposite sex when they go out.”

Not true. I masturbate when I feel rising sexual urge, true, as do other people. I also feel physical attraction towards other people. I don’t masturbate to curb the feelings of attraction towards other people, no. I masturbate to relieve myself of sexual tension, and because it feels damn good.

2.”Masturbation is seen to be very pleasurable when one has no partner to have sexual intercourse with…”

Uhm…masturbation is pleasurable with or without a sexual partner. But the point of masturbation is you do it alone. It’s a solo category activity.

3.”Its alluring nature makes its victims become addicts to it. Many even enjoy it more than normal sex.”

Masturbation is not unlike sex. Same chemicals are released in the brain; same feelings. There are sex addicts, and there are masturbation addicts. Like everything in life, it’s all about moderation.

4. “Masturbation is evil; it is a type of sexual immorality, and it has its reward. There is a spirit of sexual immorality assigned to it that gives the bearer an ever growing desire to continue engaging in it after the first experience.”

Masturbation is not unlike defecating or urinating. Hear me out. When your bowels are filled, you release the contents. Same shit (pun intended) here, only this time you coax and stroke the contents out, not stand, sit or squat and let your muscles do their thing. Spirit? Sexual immorality? Assigned? Who assigns this spirit? The person no get work? Abi im job description na Spirit Assigner? If so, pretty shitty deal. I know there’s a recession and all, but niggur needs another job STAT! Ever growing desire to continue engaging in it after the first try? In that vein, sex is sexual immorality and has a spirit assigned to it that gives the bearer an ever growing desire to continue engaging in it after the first experience. Biology, dear. Human physiology.

5. “In male, masturbation is very bad; it may feel pleasing to the bearer at the moment but a time comes when the effect will start showing. First, the man will be easily carried away by pornographic videos or pictures: he could ejaculate without anyone touching him. This is because his male organ is now sensitive to every touch. His brains becomes very fast in calculating what is to happen in the video, and this makes him know what the pone actor is to do next. Because of his great expectation of what the pone actor is about to do, before he knows it, he has ejaculated.”

Wow! I wish I could cum without touching myself. That would be SO FREAKING COOL!!! And what you described sounds like a very sophisticated A.I. Or Scarlett Johansson’s Lucy (in this case, Lucian. I see it being played by Finn Jones of Iron Fist (man the pun just writes itself!)). And if one’s brain can calculate that fast and with that many variables due to masturbation, it should be fucking taught in schools (Computational Analysis 069)

6. “This is so because masturbation takes a lot of hallucination: the bearer imagines that he was doing it with a girl. And when he is used to this act, his male organ becomes sensitive to his touch, and even the touch of a female, thereby making him not last long during real sex.”

That is generally how people masturbate, yes. Seems you’ve taken the class. Did you ace the practical?

7. “To every action, there is an equal and opposite reaction.”

Newton’s third law of motion, yes.

8. “This topic has become so relevant because it is one of the problems that lead to broken homes in the world today.”

Masturbation leads to broken homes? How, pray, tell?

9. “Romans 1:24 says, Therefore God gave them over in the sinful desires of their hearts to sexual impurity for the degrading of their bodies with one another.”

Uhm…that sounds like pretty wise deity. Sure you don’t wanna let them be? They were, after all, commissioned by God.

My dear Pastor Chris, when you get hard and you don’t have a pussy or ass to fuck, wank. You’ll feel loads better. Sex is so overrated by the society that it’s become a problem. Sex is our problem, or rather our attitude to it.

[10:24 PM, 3/29/2017] Pastor Chris: 1 Thessalonians 4:2-8 “For you know what instructions we gave you by the authority of the Lord Jesus. It is God’s will that you should be sanctified: that you should avoid sexual immorality; that each of you should learn to control his own body in a way that is holy and honourable, not in passionate lust like the heathen, who do not know God; and that in this matter no-one should wrong his brother or take advantage of him. The Lord will punish men for all such sins, as we have already told you and warned you. For God did not call us to be impure, but to live a holy life. Therefore, he who rejects this instruction does not reject man but God, who gives you his Holy Spirit”.(NIV)

Beloved, from the scripture, it is clear that masturbation is an unholy act that the bible condemned. It is true that the bible did not specifically state the word “masturbation” but reading through the word of God and by His revelation and insight I discovered that it is a sin. When you masturbate automatically you have lost control over yourselves because you are being influenced by your imagination and lust of your eyes. From text, the bible stated clearly that that we should avoid sexual immorality which means having control over your body. Whenever your emotion is controlled base on what you see or hear it’s an unholy act. Those who fornicate are control by emotion, to make this clear you cannot masturbate successfully without having sexual imagination. This the bible condemned.

[10:26 PM, 3/29/2017] Apostle: Ok, I will start from the bottom this time (*keeps a straight (OMG) face*)

[10:41 PM, 3/29/2017] Apostle: 1. “Those who fornicate are control by emotion, to make this clear you cannot masturbate successfully without having sexual imagination. This the bible condemned.”

Maybe I’m the odd man out (I can only speak for myself, you know), but I’ve been known to masturbate without any sexual thought whatsoever. Just plain ol’ rubbin’ it till… But that’s just me.

2. “From text the bible stated clearly that that we should avoid sexual immorality which means having control over your body. Whenever your emotion is controlled base on what you see or hear it’s an unholy act.”

So…we should always strive to be in TOTAL control of our bodies, no? I guess we should destroy the temple of the Holy Spirit that’s inside us, then (who even awarded the contract for that, sef? WE’RE IN A RECESSION, DAMMIT!

3. “When you masturbate automatically you have lost control over yourselves because you are being influenced by your imagination and lust of your eyes.”

I don’t know where to start. If it’s losing control of myself because I’m influenced by my imagination, then exam questions like “let x = 16b…”, and “if Chris has 16 dildos…”, etc, shouldn’t be set because it causes us to be influenced by our imaginations and therefore have lost control over ourselves. The phrase “dare to dream” should as well be scrapped.

4. ” It is true that the bible did not specifically state the word “masturbation” but reading through the word of God and by His revelation and insight I discovered that it is a sin.”

Man, you really aced that wanking class. You could only have inferred this with a super-Lucian Brian borne of millennia of wanking compressed into 6 days.

5. “1 Thessalonians 4:2-8 “For you know what instructions we gave you by the authority of the Lord Jesus. It is God’s will that you should be sanctified: that you should avoid sexual immorality; that each of you should learn to control his own body in a way that is holy and honourable, not in passionate lust like the heathen, who do not know God; and that in this matter no-one should wrong his brother or take advantage of him. The Lord will punish men for all such sins, as we have already told you and warned you. For God did not call us to be impure, but to live a holy life. Therefore, he who rejects this instruction does not reject man but God, who gives you his Holy Spirit”.(NIV) Beloved, from the scripture, it is clear that masturbation is an unholy act that the bible condemned.”

See 4 above.

[3/30, 2:06 AM] Pastor Chris: God will open your eyes

[3/30, 2:37 AM] Apostle: Amen.


About shakespeareanwalter

Walt Shakes(@Walt_Shakes) is an award-winning Nigerian writer, poet and veteran blogger. He is a lover of the written word. the faint whiff of nature, the flashing vista of movies, the warmth of companionship and the happy sound of laughter.

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9 comments

  1. Bible-thumping Christians are such sexually repressed people. Jeez.

  2. That pastor Chris is a very serious wanker. There’s no other explanation for his depth of knowledge.

  3. I also believe Masturbation is evil lol.

  4. This Apostle is not an apostle of God. Na apostle of wank. Lol

  5. All this sermon because person wan wank. Na wa oo

  6. One question for Pastor Chris : left or right?

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