This is the fourth round of the Literary Challenge between James and Walter. And today’s round is an essay. The theme: Letter To A Future Someone.
Read, Say your mind about what you have read, and above all, Enjoy.
Dear Future Wife,
If you’re reading this, it either means I’m deceased and you were poring through my things for a copy of my will, or that I’m still alive and you have some explaining to do for poring through my things – hopefully, not for my will.
On second thoughts, I think I’ll forgive you for finding this letter in my lifetime. I wrote it when I was young and willful, an attempt to answer whatever questions you may have, questions about life, family and my relationship with you.
First of all, you have to know that I will always love you.
Hold this revelation close to your heart, meditate on it, nurture it, and let it not depart, in spite of whatever shortcomings I may suffer as a husband to you. I do not profess to be an expert on how relationships work, nor do I promise to always stay in character with the image you have of the man of your dreams. I may not know all the pitfalls that come from making a lifetime commitment, but I have observed the relationships around me, I have taken note of their mistakes and successes, I have learned from them, and I know me. I know that when I decide to share my life with you, you would have already given me the reason to do everything in my power to make you happy.
Words are fickle, but use them nonetheless I shall.
I promise to be the strongest influence of your growth, the one who will challenge you to be the best you can ever be. I will cheer you as you grow, and hasten to your side to help you get to your feet when you fall.
I promise to be the colours you wake up to everyday, that explosion of hues that will light up your day, doing my best to keep the dusky grays at bay, to brush the lead from your skies and leave them only blue. And when you feel yourself sinking into the darkness of your private pain, I will be just one colour, the brilliant whites that will pull you out of all that black.
I promise to keep the smile in your eyes and the laughter on your lips, to always give you back the joy you have given me when you agreed to be mine, to always rouse your soul the way that you have stirred mine.
I promise to be both your lover and friend. Father tells me that marriage robs the romance from a relationship. That will not be the case between us. I will provide the ears that will listen to you, the shoulders that will make room for you to burrow into, the hands that will cradle your heart and worship your body, and the lips that will kiss you always as passionately or as tenderly as the first time I kissed you. With the passage of the years, the magic in our relationship will occasionally wear and wane, but I will always look for a way to bring it back to life.
I promise to make our life together a never-ending birthing of stories. New stories to delight you, old stories retold for your pleased reminiscence. I know I can be a fuddy-duddy sometimes, but I will strive to reinvent myself, to keep us alive and interesting, to make every day count, however infinitesimally, as though it was the last day we would be together.
And when our children come, we may disagree every now and then on the different ways to bring them up. But I will remain, for your sake, their number one role model – the kind of man our sons will aspire to be and our daughters will want to be with. And even though the Holy Book says I am to be the Head of the House, who am I kidding? You will be the centre, the thread and the fabric that holds us all together. Your importance to me, to our family will never go underappreciated.
Words are fickle, but know this.
When you are alone or in the company of friends, when you are in pain or giddy with delight, when you rise up or lie down, and at all times in between, realize that those are the times you are thought of. Know that then is when you are appreciated. Believe this is when you are loved. I promise to make you keep believing this for as long as we both shall live.
Sincerely, Your Future Husband
Dear Future Wife
This isn’t supposed to be a letter, letters are out of vogue. Instant Messaging is the new kid on the block; they come in different forms, PM, DM, BBM, WhatsApp, Viber etc. But knowing you won’t be able to read this instantly I have decided to use the age old form of letter writing.
Dearie, I know you like selfie. You must be on IG and am not bothered about that. In fact I am glad you are tech savvy. But please don’t show ‘Free To Air’ what would eventually become exclusively mine. I have seen different shapes, sizes and colors of boobs and assess on IG. Please I don’t want to do throw back in few years only to stumble on your boobs threatening to force itself out of my phone. Additionally when you snap selfie, don’t do your mouth the way most girls do in the name of duck face. Please, stop trying to look like an imbecile, you are not one. If you so want to become one try the acid treatment. It works every time but just know that if you do this letter won’t be for you anymore.
Bae, want designer, Ferrari, Dubai, I don’t mind. But know you will have to contribute to the national budget. I practise true federalism. We will bring our resources to the federal government and allocate budget according to what you bring to the table.
My dear, I love curves. I don’t really appreciate something flat. I want something to hold unto, a little flesh to run my hands over. But please I don’t want it in excess. There is a thin line between curvy and heavy. Don’t start eating everything that comes your way. Pizza, Shawarma, Isi-ewu etc. Know when to zip up your mouth so you will not have one amusement park like some men that I know. I don’t want you to look pregnant every time.
Dearie I am sapiosexual. I enjoy having intelligent conversations. It lights up a spark in me. If you can write poems and wonderful stories perfecto! I won’t complain if you are an artist or a skilled photographer, I would surely love to attend many art exhibitions. You can also be a wonderful singer like Asa. As long as you have awesome creative skills you are ok. Moreover it is like using one stone to kill two birds.
The list has not ended yet. Like I said before I like curves on a woman. If you look like Kim Kardashian I won’t complain. But don’t go breaking the Internet. The only thing I would not mind you breaking is in the bedroom. In addition to that don’t carry bakassi like Nicki Minaj or bobisky like Cossy. Something tells me what those ladies carry are fake and they wear them like clothes when they want to go out. I don’t want to end up looking for something to hold and find it not when I need it most.
Dearie please don’t be short. You must not be like a basket baller. But just be 5Ft 8 inch or above. It is important for our future generations. I don’t want people to start looking down on our kids.
Skin color isn’t on top of the list but it would be awesome if you are light skin, like those girls I see on Telemundo. You can have their hair too so we wouldn’t spend money on Brazilian hair.
You must be God fearing. Yes it is extremely important you are. My mother would love that. You should know what God fearing comes with; good cook, home maker, submissive, perfect daughter in law, prayer warrior etc. But please when night comes keep your God fearing somewhere. You can become like Shakira in the bedroom. Just remember to be God fearing always when we are done.
Have I mentioned I like Omosexy? The way she grows old gracefully? Boo please you are allowed to emulate her. But I don’t mean you should become a Nollywood freak. Just know how Omosexy does it.
My love I don’t ask for too much, as you can see I am not a gold digger. But if Dangote, Bill Gates or Warren Buffet is your father I will manage. It’s not because of money; it’s just that love is blind. Our love can make me blind if you do not meet up the requirement listed above.
Dearie, I pray you read this letter as soon as possible. You do not want all these desperado babes to hijack me and take your place. The sooner you reply this letter the better.
Disgruntled Future Husband.