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LITERARY CHALLENGE (Round 4)

This is the fourth round of the Literary Challenge between James and Walter. And today’s round is an essay. The theme: Letter To A Future Someone.

Read, Say your mind about what you have read, and above all, Enjoy.

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LETTER 1

Dear Future Wife,

If you’re reading this, it either means I’m deceased and you were poring through my things for a copy of my will, or that I’m still alive and you have some explaining to do for poring through my things – hopefully, not for my will.

On second thoughts, I think I’ll forgive you for finding this letter in my lifetime. I wrote it when I was young and willful, an attempt to answer whatever questions you may have, questions about life, family and my relationship with you.

First of all, you have to know that I will always love you.

Hold this revelation close to your heart, meditate on it, nurture it, and let it not depart, in spite of whatever shortcomings I may suffer as a husband to you. I do not profess to be an expert on how relationships work, nor do I promise to always stay in character with the image you have of the man of your dreams. I may not know all the pitfalls that come from making a lifetime commitment, but I have observed the relationships around me, I have taken note of their mistakes and successes, I have learned from them, and I know me. I know that when I decide to share my life with you, you would have already given me the reason to do everything in my power to make you happy.

Words are fickle, but use them nonetheless I shall.

I promise to be the strongest influence of your growth, the one who will challenge you to be the best you can ever be. I will cheer you as you grow, and hasten to your side to help you get to your feet when you fall.

I promise to be the colours you wake up to everyday, that explosion of hues that will light up your day, doing my best to keep the dusky grays at bay, to brush the lead from your skies and leave them only blue. And when you feel yourself sinking into the darkness of your private pain, I will be just one colour, the brilliant whites that will pull you out of all that black.

I promise to keep the smile in your eyes and the laughter on your lips, to always give you back the joy you have given me when you agreed to be mine, to always rouse your soul the way that you have stirred mine.

I promise to be both your lover and friend. Father tells me that marriage robs the romance from a relationship. That will not be the case between us. I will provide the ears that will listen to you, the shoulders that will make room for you to burrow into, the hands that will cradle your heart and worship your body, and the lips that will kiss you always as passionately or as tenderly as the first time I kissed you. With the passage of the years, the magic in our relationship will occasionally wear and wane, but I will always look for a way to bring it back to life.

I promise to make our life together a never-ending birthing of stories. New stories to delight you, old stories retold for your pleased reminiscence. I know I can be a fuddy-duddy sometimes, but I will strive to reinvent myself, to keep us alive and interesting, to make every day count, however infinitesimally, as though it was the last day we would be together.

And when our children come, we may disagree every now and then on the different ways to bring them up. But I will remain, for your sake, their number one role model – the kind of man our sons will aspire to be and our daughters will want to be with. And even though the Holy Book says I am to be the Head of the House, who am I kidding? You will be the centre, the thread and the fabric that holds us all together. Your importance to me, to our family will never go underappreciated.

Words are fickle, but know this.

When you are alone or in the company of friends, when you are in pain or giddy with delight, when you rise up or lie down, and at all times in between, realize that those are the times you are thought of. Know that then is when you are appreciated. Believe this is when you are loved. I promise to make you keep believing this for as long as we both shall live.

Sincerely, Your Future Husband

*

LETTER 2

Dear Future Wife

This isn’t supposed to be a letter, letters are out of vogue. Instant Messaging is the new kid on the block; they come in different forms, PM, DM, BBM, WhatsApp, Viber etc. But knowing you won’t be able to read this instantly I have decided to use the age old form of letter writing.

Dearie, I know you like selfie. You must be on IG and am not bothered about that. In fact I am glad you are tech savvy. But please don’t show ‘Free To Air’ what would eventually become exclusively mine. I have seen different shapes, sizes and colors of boobs and assess on IG. Please I don’t want to do throw back in few years only to stumble on your boobs threatening to force itself out of my phone. Additionally when you snap selfie, don’t do your mouth the way most girls do in the name of duck face. Please, stop trying to look like an imbecile, you are not one. If you so want to become one try the acid treatment. It works every time but just know that if you do this letter won’t be for you anymore.

Bae, want designer, Ferrari, Dubai, I don’t mind. But know you will have to contribute to the national budget. I practise true federalism.  We will bring our resources to the federal government and allocate budget according to what you bring to the table.

My dear, I love curves. I don’t really appreciate something flat. I want something to hold unto, a little flesh to run my hands over. But please I don’t want it in excess. There is a thin line between curvy and heavy. Don’t start eating everything that comes your way. Pizza, Shawarma, Isi-ewu etc. Know when to zip up your mouth so you will not have one amusement park like some men that I know. I don’t want you to look pregnant every time.

Dearie I am sapiosexual. I enjoy having intelligent conversations. It lights up a spark in me. If you can write poems and wonderful stories perfecto! I won’t complain if you are an artist or a skilled photographer, I would surely love to attend many art exhibitions. You can also be a wonderful singer like Asa. As long as you have awesome creative skills you are ok. Moreover it is like using one stone to kill two birds.

The list has not ended yet. Like I said before I like curves on a woman. If you look like Kim Kardashian I won’t complain. But don’t go breaking the Internet. The only thing I would not mind you breaking is in the bedroom. In addition to that don’t carry bakassi like Nicki Minaj or bobisky like Cossy. Something tells me what those ladies carry are fake and they wear them like clothes when they want to go out. I don’t want to end up looking for something to hold and find it not when I need it most.

Dearie please don’t be short. You must not be like a basket baller. But just be 5Ft 8 inch or above. It is important for our future generations.  I don’t want people to start looking down on our kids.

Skin color isn’t on top of the list but it would be awesome if you are light skin, like those girls I see on Telemundo. You can have their hair too so we wouldn’t spend money on Brazilian hair.

You must be God fearing. Yes it is extremely important you are. My mother would love that. You should know what God fearing comes with; good cook, home maker, submissive, perfect daughter in law, prayer warrior etc. But please when night comes keep your God fearing somewhere. You can become like Shakira in the bedroom. Just remember to be God fearing always when we are done.

Have I mentioned I like Omosexy? The way she grows old gracefully? Boo please you are allowed to emulate her. But I don’t mean you should become a Nollywood freak. Just know how Omosexy does it.

My love I don’t ask for too much, as you can see I am not a gold digger. But if Dangote, Bill Gates or Warren Buffet is your father I will manage. It’s not because of money; it’s just that love is blind. Our love can make me blind if you do not meet up the requirement listed above.

Dearie, I pray you read this letter as soon as possible. You do not want all these desperado babes to hijack me and take your place. The sooner you reply this letter the better.

Yours Eminado,

Disgruntled Future Husband.


About shakespeareanwalter

Walt Shakes(@Walt_Shakes) is an award-winning Nigerian writer, poet and veteran blogger. He is a lover of the written word. the faint whiff of nature, the flashing vista of movies, the warmth of companionship and the happy sound of laughter.

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55 comments

  1. Interesting. I’m going for story 2.
    It’s more funny,replete with modern trends…I’ll adopt it for my future wife…nice ones guys

  2. I promise to be the colours you wake up to everyday, that explosion of hues that will light up your day, doing my best to keep the dusky grays at bay, to brush the lead from your skies and leave them only blue. And when you feel yourself sinking into the darkness of your private pain, I will be just one colour, the brilliant whites that will pull you out of all that black..

    this is writing.. not letter riting!

    good jobs..
    i noticed one is more official than the other, and the other, more unofficial than his brother..
    but how come we dont get to see the names of the writers..

  3. LOL, i love both stories, the 2nd one got me laughing tho, in terms of humor i’ll give it a check but it had to do more with list of what he expects his wife to look like and be like, something tells me if his wife is lacking in any area they wont have a happy marriage. As for the first one i love the way it was structured and i could just picture the wife finding such a letter and crying herself to sleep with joy of course. That is the ideal letter i would want to write for my wife *copies it and paste in ms word*hehe. I feel a woman will be moved to see the letter and just imagine she saw such letter when they just had some issues at home. it would automatically solve the issue. That being said, i vote for the first letter, humorless but on point. P.S: First to comment *dancing shoki*

    • You are right, Agu Henry. The letter 2 seemed a tad too oversexualized. Talking about all the expectations the writer has for his wife. In other words, when she fails to meet them, there will be casala in the marriage. the writer was TELLING his future wife, while writer 1 was TALKING TO his future wife. I appreciate the humour in Letter 2 though.
      But my vote goes to Letter 1. those are the words that will keep a wife by your side.

  4. ehhh neec and wole, why did u guys overtake my comment?

  5. oh.. i just got the gist.. na challenge!!?
    oboy! i need another seat abeg..!

  6. Story 2 it is for me. For its humour.

  7. I’d go with number 1. I like the idea of having someone remind you of their true support. A lover and a friend in one.

  8. letter 2 all the way ooo.. I had fun reading that.

  9. In other news, didn’t Walter say he’s anti marriage. What are you doing then writing to a future wife that we know you don’t intend to have? lol 🙂

  10. Letter 1
    the premise: a man in love with the woman he married; a woman of inestimable value, one that wows him, and in choosing her, he knows he is willing to spend the rest of his life cherishing. he writes her a letter to tell her, he will never take her for granted and tells her how much she is worth to him.

    surprisingly however is the fact that he wants to wait till his demise to communicate it to her! or the finding of the letter would be an accidental finding while she is snooping. From the lines he wrote, this should be a letter, he drops by her bedside on the morning of their tenth anniversary or any anniversary of his choice! this is the first contradiction the writer has introduced in this masterpiece.

    the rest of the writing is pure honey. it shows the depth of the writer’s love for his future wife, one that breaks through his closely guarded heart and forces him to make that eternal commitment to her knowing he would never find another. he tells her of her magic to capture his heart and how he will strive to his dying days to preserve that magic.

    he elevates her virtues and professes undying love to her no matter what happens. his focus is on her, her heart, her personality, her character that has so charmed her. he knows a woman’s heart and how they can sometimes be insecure and afraid they would lose their husband’s love if they start ageing and stop looking so beautiful. this is a letter any woman will want to read. it is the ultimate romantic words.

    the language and diction are good. the descriptions are sweet and appropriate. it evokes a good feeling, warmth and affection. the words are soothing and like a balm fit for when her heart is troubled and she needs a reminder that she is loved. a solemn pledge of undying affection.

    Letter 2

    the premise: a man writing to a future wife, a letter he hopes she sees before they get married to see if she meets his criteria for who his ideal wife is.
    Now, the writer has given a tall order, but who can blame a man for wanting the best? the man knows what he wants and is not afraid to go for it.

    high points: the letter is modern and very relatable. it captures the trend of social media been an ever increasing avenue for striking up a romantic relationship. it is humorous.

    language: for an essay, it was too casual. the use of abbreviations whose meanings where not fully spelt out was a major flaw.

    contradictions: for a self acclaimed sapiosexual, there were more emphasis on physical look and attributes and sensuality. secondly, the tone appeared condescending, demeaning and sees the future wife as more of an object and a sum of body parts. the future wife is almost like a trophy, to be admired for its glitter and ‘curves’
    thirdly, the future wife is more likely to be self conscious and focus on her appearance in order to keep the affection of the writer and thus take all the focus on the relationship. most likely in the not too distant future, the writer would most likely label the wife ‘vain’. fourthly, should the writer marry a woman that doesn’t have all these features he has listed, she is always going to wonder if she is enough and always going to be insecure. if she sees anyone that fits that criteria around her husband, then she is going to get paralyzed by fear of losing her husband to such.

    in all this, the writer did not say what the woman gets from him. relationship is a two way thing, it is give and take. what does he have to offer? or is it all about his desires? well, one could argue that it is from his perspective, what he wants but then there should always be what he has to give.

    okay, that being said, I vote for story 1. what can I say, I am an incurable romantic.

  11. i’l go for the 2nd letter…way 2 humorous to ignore..n yes, i finally get 2 post a comment.

  12. Good stuff, you both…I vote ONE

  13. I vote for Letter 1…

    Why? As the theme is a letter to a future someone: it ticks all the boxes for me. And being an essay, the language is essay like and easy to follow.

    Letter 2 is funny BUT not top essay writing style. The language and writing style is good though more descriptive of the future someone as opposed to writing to the future wife. And why did letter 2 end with ‘ disgruntled future husband’?

    Letter 1 for me..
    +

    • You are right Fey. While reading Essay 2, I forgot entirely how an essay is supposed to be. Lol…it was damn funny; more of humour.
      Nice work to the writers but l have to vote for Essay one.

  14. No vote, I’d say. This seemed like totally different writers than the ones whose stories we’ve read previously. And not in a good way.
    But I lean toward story 2.

  15. Errmmm..initially…letter 2 literally got me soo peeved. I kept saying to my self,while reading it, “what an arrogant b*****d #fuming# “so full of himself with no mention of what he is offering the babe…nothing” .then ok, eventually, I found myself laughing at the end of letter 2.. but,i’m a hopeless romantic..and letter 1 was ‘amazing’ #sniff#..so, I vote for letter 1.

  16. First off, i must say i was disappointed when i saw the 2nd story was also to his future wife. The theme said, “to a future someone”, writing about a baby would have been different and quite frankly, made this more competitive.
    Story one seemed to get an idea about what it means to love a woman, story two just seemed to be making mockery of a woman. I stopped half way because i started finding it offensive. Yes it was laced with humour but it still felt like objectifying than writing a heart felt story. I know the theme was restricted to the title but i felt i was reading two stories from a man and the other from a boy.
    Story 1 gets my vote, it feels more like a story I’ll dedicate to my wife.

  17. The two letters are worthy read, I must admit. You guys did well with humour (plus) some flashes of art here and there. Normally, I don’t vote for, I vote against. Here I vote against ‘essay’ two…

  18. * I will provide the ears that will listen to you, the shoulders that will make room for you to burrow into, the hands that will cradle your heart and worship your body, and the lips that will kiss you always as passionately or as tenderly as the first time I kissed you. * Now what woman would want otherwise. This had me crying. I most definitely vote essay one.

  19. Essay 1 got my vote through and through!!!

  20. The 1st essay has my vote. Walter, abeg tell me you didn’t write the second essay.

  21. Reading d 1st, my eyes were misty cos I hope one day I find a guy to say that to me, d 2nd essay made me laff till I had hiccups but then I remember reality, I wuldnt want a guy to have me meet some criterias b 4 he marries me, I want to be love/married for who I AM. Not cos am tall curvy rich artistic or wateva. Essay 1 does it for me! Tank u

  22. Essay 2… I’m all for d humour

  23. Essay two made had a good laugh! but i vote one. Nice work guys.

  24. Letter 1 all the way!!! Has true value, not fake like or anything. It talks about the reality of life and what Love should look like. Letter 2 is like a fantasy world…not real, so LETTER 1 all the way!

  25. I’m a kinda confused on the one to vote.

    Letter 1 is beautiful. I’m obsessed with beauty of words. I took a whole lot of it and I felt my eyes glitter with smile.

    Letter 2 was hilarious. It actually cracked me up and left a stream of laughter gushing through the think layer of heart.

    I loved them both, but…there is always what I deeply fall in love with, and Letter 1 knew it and beheld it.

    I vote for Letter 1.

  26. Wow! Letter number 2 is a helluva letter! I mean, what were you thinking??? A total crack-up, that one but too unserious! There’s something ’bout Letter 1 however, that kinda appeals more to me! It sounded really poetic, just like a romantic poem! I’d definitely go weak in the knees, if those words were recited me! LOL

    I vote Letter 1! Thumbs up guys, well done!

  27. I enjoyed today’s challenge. Letter 1had me smiling from ear to ear. Great distraction from this torts textbook too. It was poetic in a way that spoke directly to your heart. Definitely what every hopeless romantic wants to find lying around. Letter 2 was annoying before it became funny. The abbreviations made it look like it was sent via BBM. It was hilarious tho, especially the ‘keep your God fearing somewhere’ part. I vote Letter 1 though.
    Future husband, I hope you’re taking notes!

  28. Voting for 1 it was deep and knew the true meaning of having a wife.

  29. Walter, this is the first time I am voting on thiis series, I will go for the 2nd latter. It look more real to me.

  30. Wow, dis is really wonderful, thumbs up for both stories.
    slap stick humour got me in story 2 bt it was getting too much at a point.
    Story 1 however seemed more sincere and d humour was subtle nt overstated. I cast my vote for story 1.

  31. Story 1 has my vote.Story 2 has a funny flow which i find really interesting but i prefer the tone of the writer of the first story.Like someone already pointed out,’twas meant to be a note to a special someone but both writers seem to be wearing blinkers.

  32. I go for letter 2, I love it’s humour.

  33. Story 1 all the way! T’was beautiful. Thanks guys, keep it up.

  34. I will like to declare this round’s voting officially closed. James and I both appreciate the readership, commentary and critique of everyone here. And we’re anxious to get on to the next and final stage of the challenge.
    For this round, Letter 1 was written by Yours Truly, and Letter 2 by James. Thanks again and let’s stay tuned to next Tuesday.

  35. I didn’t vote, but something just told me Walter wrote the first letter. Kudos, that was a wonderful write up.

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