So clearly, this year’s Africa Magic Viewers’ Choice Awards had a lot of people expectant, for both the wins and the fashion. So much so that Joan Rivers – okay, not her, but her granddaughter, twice removed from her maternal side, who just so happens to be Nigerian, decided to jump ahead of our dear John Ocean to give her own take on the award’s red carpet moments. This writer’s humour is brutal, so brutal in fact that she chose anonymity. (Lol. You never know if Ini Edo might have assassins on her payroll). Check on it and sound off your opinions in the comments section:
So, the AMCVA 2016 came to pass a couple of days ago. Yours Truly was expecting the ladies and gentlemen of the screen to bring it. Kill it. Make us go “Wawu!” But alas, there were so many disappointments. See the ladies falling my hand left, right and centre. For some reason, the repeat offenders annoyed me the most. Then again, there were those I just simply couldn’t help but love!
Without further ado, let’s begin.
Rita Dominic is the human representation of fine wine, getting better with age. I mean, this lady is so lovely and well put together, she turns me on—and I’m very certain I’m heterosexual o! Every show, every outing, she keeps showing the young ‘uns how it’s done. When I grow up, I want to be like Aunty Rita.
Genevieve Nnaji. Where do I begin? My Woman Crush of Life, this woman is a goddess. After her cleavage stunt of two years ago, I was really holding my breast – sorry, breath…for this one. Ah, Genny is a stunning woman. Let me just stop here….because if I write too much, the person on whose blog this piece is being featured will have orgasmic palpitations.
Ego Boyo is a woman I’ve loved and respected since the days of Checkmate and Violated. Which is why I felt like a Judasina when I saw her dress for this award show. I no like am and I go talk am. Aunty, it’s the AMCVA o, not the set of Batman Returns. I still respect you sha.
Nse Ikpe-Etim and Kate Henshaw are two of a kind. These two beauties can do absolutely no wrong in my eyes. They know how to wear dresses that fit and are comfortable. They know when to push the edge and when to hold back. When I give birth to a daughter, they will be her godmothers—even if I have to pay.
Caroline Ekanem-Danjuma was lovely in nude. The full sleeves on her dress could’ve done without the trailing tassels. They made the dress look like it was made by Fly Away Peter, Fly Away Paul fashion house. One more thing…is it just me or do her front and rear accessories look like they were store-bought? I know she’s put on some weight, but this amount of manCHESTER and ARSEnal…how did eet happun?
Adesua Etomi is a sweetheart. I fell in love with her after watching her in the movie, Falling (pun-ny, right?) The girl has continued to impress. From her well-coiffed natural hair and makeup to the floating green ensemble, she was a hit, back to back.
Ini Edo: I looked at her and burst into tears. This dress was particularly annoying because lately, she’s been giving us the impression that change had come; that she’d hired a personal dresser/fashion consultant and was on the mend. But alas, we were deceived. Like the Minister of Tourism who doubles as the President of one country like that, this girl keeps disappointing. After seeing that wedding gown on the red carpet, I kept thinking, if only she’d worn it to her wedding, perhaps her marriage would’ve lasted longer.
RMD: Oh, Perfection, thine name is Richard Mofe Damijo. Look at that blue suit and the motif on those sleeves! Time and again, this man has proven to be the Master Slayer when it comes to men’s fashion. He doesn’t know it yet, but he’s going to be my baby daddy. In fact, he should be declared a National Heritage Figure already. It is wrong for one woman to have him all to herself. Just wrong! Plix, epp me tell him that I love him.
Uru Eke: Mbok, is cleavage by force? Her look would’ve been perfect, except for those breasts of hers, which were clearly in a hostage situation. See the way they were pushed up, mashed together and barely running over. I’m very sure when she took off the dress later that night, the poor things wept for joy.
Kehinde Bankole…beht why? This was a case of another bosom in a hostage situation. Seriously, it’s getting old. And if you want to copy a dress you saw on the runway or at the Oscars, find an excellent tailor!!!
Mercy Aigbe: That dress and her body in it spoke to me! I salute whoever her stylist is. I salute her for making that choice. But I still think she should’ve left half of that Brazilian weave at home. Strutting the red carpet looking like Lion King with makeup is not ideal. All hail Mufasa!
Toke Makinwa: If I were to open a makeup line and this woman was my only customer, my business would never go under. She’s the poster child for heavy makeup. If you’re wearing white, don’t bother hugging her. Her makeup artist—whom she should fire, by the way—made her into a contoured caricature and the bottom of her dress looked like the mosquito net I lost during my service year.
Mocheddah was dressed in costume. She looked like black Mulan Si Fa Shon heading off to the dojo to be tutored by her sensei, Master Chi Chum Ching. Even her pose looked like snake-in-the-monkey-shadow style.
Blossom Chukwujekwu: First of all, I just don’t get a guy whose name is Blossom. Then he wore that casual thing, complete with palm slippers, to an award ceremony. I sincerely hope his fashion sense blossoms.
Folarin ‘Falz’ Falana, IK Ogbonna and Uti Nwachukwu definitely patronised the same tailor. It’s like they all went to Balogun market, picked a large swath of yellow fabric, took it to Mallam Abu and said, “Oga, plix sow soot for hus.”
Omoni Oboli: There was a time I almost lost faith in this excellent actress’s fashion capabilities; a couple of years ago, when she premiered her chest and midriff – sorry, movie at Aso Rock. My faith was restored however, with this beautiful black and white combo. With that hairdo and make up, Omoni still slays.
Fade Ogunro: Fire your obioma. Those under-boobs were an eyesore. And by the way, what’s with all these women going without bras and underwear? How will bra and underwear sellers feed their families if they lose customers like these? Have they thought of that? No, of course not. Selfish people.
Dakore Egbuson and Dolapo Oni disappointed me, big time! Dakore was so off-point, I had to check twice to be sure it was her. That dress looked like it started out as a tie-an-die project in a primary school in Osun state, but the pupil didn’t dry it well, so the colours ran.
Dolapo’s dress was the right colour. But she must have gotten into a fight with a dog and the canine ripped the fabric in two places. Besides, that pound of flesh spilling over the sides was a major no-no. Get tighter abs or loose the dress.
Ibinabo Fiberesima: Dress with elephant ears…check! Train from Lagos to Ibadan…check! Missing front part of the dress…check! Peacock cone on her head…check! I just want to know: who let her out like this? Friends? Family? Enemies? This is what happens when you tell a woman when she’s young that she’s got hot legs. She no go ever want to cover them again.
Tracey and Treasure Daniels: These two sisters always – and I mean, always – fail to make a good impression. Dressing alike was cute when you were ten. Now, with a bad tailor to sew your identical outfits, it’s just tacky. Retire already!
I could go on and on, talking about the likes of Mr. Ibu who is a lost cause, Ariyike in her Ankara curtain, Toni Tones, the Barbie in Bodymagic, Seyi Shey in her night robe, Osas in her divine peach number, Kemi Adetiba in that excellently-tailored suit, or Eku Edewor who will finish dressing well, then will go and tie one tin one tin on her arm or hair (this girl is a living definition of a cry for help) etc.
But I have to stop here. Before some people will come and say I have a bad mouth.
Written by Joan Rivers’ granddaughter, twice removed from her maternal side, who just so happens to be Nigerian