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Joan Rivers Has Something To Say About The AMVCA’s Fashion Moments

So clearly, this year’s Africa Magic Viewers’ Choice Awards had a lot of people expectant, for both the wins and the fashion. So much so that Joan Rivers – okay, not her, but her granddaughter, twice removed from her maternal side, who just so happens to be Nigerian, decided to jump ahead of our dear John Ocean to give her own take on the award’s red carpet moments. This writer’s humour is brutal, so brutal in fact that she chose anonymity. (Lol. You never know if Ini Edo might have assassins on her payroll). Check on it and sound off your opinions in the comments section:

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So, the AMCVA 2016 came to pass a couple of days ago. Yours Truly was expecting the ladies and gentlemen of the screen to bring it. Kill it. Make us go “Wawu!” But alas, there were so many disappointments. See the ladies falling my hand left, right and centre. For some reason, the repeat offenders annoyed me the most. Then again, there were those I just simply couldn’t help but love!

Without further ado, let’s begin.

amvca1 Rita-Dominic-600x900Rita Dominic is the human representation of fine wine, getting better with age. I mean, this lady is so lovely and well put together, she turns me on—and I’m very certain I’m heterosexual o! Every show, every outing, she keeps showing the young ‘uns how it’s done. When I grow up, I want to be like Aunty Rita.

amvca2 Genevieve NnajiGenevieve Nnaji. Where do I begin? My Woman Crush of Life, this woman is a goddess. After her cleavage stunt of two years ago, I was really holding my breast – sorry, breath…for this one. Ah, Genny is a stunning woman. Let me just stop here….because if I write too much, the person on whose blog this piece is being featured will have orgasmic palpitations.

amvca3 Ego-BoyoEgo Boyo is a woman I’ve loved and respected since the days of Checkmate and Violated. Which is why I felt like a Judasina when I saw her dress for this award show. I no like am and I go talk am. Aunty, it’s the AMCVA o, not the set of Batman Returns. I still respect you sha.

amvca4 Kate Henshaw and NseNse Ikpe-Etim and Kate Henshaw are two of a kind. These two beauties can do absolutely no wrong in my eyes. They know how to wear dresses that fit and are comfortable. They know when to push the edge and when to hold back. When I give birth to a daughter, they will be her godmothers—even if I have to pay.

amvca5 frank dongaFrank Donga, if this is what unemployment looks like, I want to quit my job right now. Dude was on point as a decimal. The only thing missing was a watch—a Rolex or a Cartier to make it perfect.

amvca6 Caroline DanjumaCaroline Ekanem-Danjuma was lovely in nude. The full sleeves on her dress could’ve done without the trailing tassels. They made the dress look like it was made by Fly Away Peter, Fly Away Paul fashion house. One more thing…is it just me or do her front and rear accessories look like they were store-bought? I know she’s put on some weight, but this amount of manCHESTER and ARSEnal…how did eet happun?

amvca7 Chigul-1Chioma Omeruah a.k.a. Chigurl: Nothing impresses me like a plus size woman who knows her body and dresses it well. Chigurl always has her best fashion foot forward. Always.

amvca8 Adesua-Etomi-600x904Adesua Etomi is a sweetheart. I fell in love with her after watching her in the movie, Falling (pun-ny, right?) The girl has continued to impress. From her well-coiffed natural hair and makeup to the floating green ensemble, she was a hit, back to back.

amvca9 Ini-Edo-600x900Ini Edo: I looked at her and burst into tears. This dress was particularly annoying because lately, she’s been giving us the impression that change had come; that she’d hired a personal dresser/fashion consultant and was on the mend. But alas, we were deceived. Like the Minister of Tourism who doubles as the President of one country like that, this girl keeps disappointing. After seeing that wedding gown on the red carpet, I kept thinking, if only she’d worn it to her wedding, perhaps her marriage would’ve lasted longer.

amvca10 Richard-Mofe-Damijo-1-600x900RMD: Oh, Perfection, thine name is Richard Mofe Damijo. Look at that blue suit and the motif on those sleeves! Time and again, this man has proven to be the Master Slayer when it comes to men’s fashion. He doesn’t know it yet, but he’s going to be my baby daddy. In fact, he should be declared a National Heritage Figure already. It is wrong for one woman to have him all to herself. Just wrong! Plix, epp me tell him that I love him.

amvca11 uru ekeUru Eke: Mbok, is cleavage by force? Her look would’ve been perfect, except for those breasts of hers, which were clearly in a hostage situation. See the way they were pushed up, mashed together and barely running over. I’m very sure when she took off the dress later that night, the poor things wept for joy.

amvca12 Kehinde-BankoleKehinde Bankole…beht why?  This was a case of another bosom in a hostage situation. Seriously, it’s getting old. And if you want to copy a dress you saw on the runway or at the Oscars, find an excellent tailor!!!

amvca13 Mercy-Aigbe-GentryMercy Aigbe: That dress and her body in it spoke to me! I salute whoever her stylist is. I salute her for making that choice. But I still think she should’ve left half of that Brazilian weave at home. Strutting the red carpet looking like Lion King with makeup is not ideal. All hail Mufasa!

amvca14 toke-makinwaToke Makinwa: If I were to open a makeup line and this woman was my only customer, my business would never go under. She’s the poster child for heavy makeup. If you’re wearing white, don’t bother hugging her. Her makeup artist—whom she should fire, by the way—made her into a contoured caricature and the bottom of her dress looked like the mosquito net I lost during my service year.

amvca15 mocheddah 2Mocheddah was dressed in costume. She looked like black Mulan Si Fa Shon heading off to the dojo to be tutored by her sensei, Master Chi Chum Ching. Even her pose looked like snake-in-the-monkey-shadow style.

amvca16 Mbong-Amata2Mbong Amata: Surely she was heading to the auditions for Snow White and the Huntsman Part 3, when she heard that AMCVA was happening. Because I jest kent unnersten tha’ ouh’fih.

amvca17 Blossom-Chukwujekwu-600x900Blossom Chukwujekwu: First of all, I just don’t get a guy whose name is Blossom. Then he wore that casual thing, complete with palm slippers, to an award ceremony. I sincerely hope his fashion sense blossoms.

amvca18 Falz, IK Ogbonna and UtiFolarin ‘Falz’ Falana, IK Ogbonna and Uti Nwachukwu definitely patronised the same tailor. It’s like they all went to Balogun market, picked a large swath of yellow fabric, took it to Mallam Abu and said, “Oga, plix sow soot for hus.”

amvca19 Rukky-Sanda-2-600x900Rukky Sanda: Whoever took away those fake palm-fronds that this woman uses as lashes and contoured her face into the unrecognisable beauty I saw yesterday has my profound gratitude.

amvca20 omoni oboliOmoni Oboli: There was a time I almost lost faith in this excellent actress’s fashion capabilities; a couple of years ago, when she premiered her chest and midriff – sorry, movie at Aso Rock. My faith was restored however, with this beautiful black and white combo. With that hairdo and make up, Omoni still slays.

amvca21 Fade-OgunroFade Ogunro: Fire your obioma. Those under-boobs were an eyesore. And by the way, what’s with all these women going without bras and underwear? How will bra and underwear sellers feed their families if they lose customers like these? Have they thought of that? No, of course not. Selfish people.

amvca22 Mike-Ezuruonye-600x900Mike Ezuruonye: Not bad at all. However, you can’t do a neck piece, a lapel pin and a pocketchief at the same time. Pick a struggle, my man.

amvca23 men 3Ramsey Nouah and Majid Michel: Mmhmm, yes we’ve seen you two. Ok, moving on.

amvca24 menBovi, John Dumelo, Bryan Okwara and Van Vicker: Now, these are the kind of men who get a second look from me. Look at them – Slayers!

amvca25 Dakore and DolapoDakore Egbuson and Dolapo Oni disappointed me, big time! Dakore was so off-point, I had to check twice to be sure it was her. That dress looked like it started out as a tie-an-die project in a primary school in Osun state, but the pupil didn’t dry it well, so the colours ran.

Dolapo’s dress was the right colour. But she must have gotten into a fight with a dog and the canine ripped the fabric in two places. Besides, that pound of flesh spilling over the sides was a major no-no. Get tighter abs or loose the dress.

amvca26 Ibinabo-FiberesimaIbinabo Fiberesima: Dress with elephant ears…check! Train from Lagos to Ibadan…check! Missing front part of the dress…check! Peacock cone on her head…check! I just want to know: who let her out like this? Friends? Family? Enemies? This is what happens when you tell a woman when she’s young that she’s got hot legs.  She no go ever want to cover them again.

amvca27 tracy and treasure danielsTracey and Treasure Daniels: These two sisters always – and I mean, always – fail to make a good impression. Dressing alike was cute when you were ten.  Now, with a bad tailor to sew your identical outfits, it’s just tacky. Retire already!

I could go on and on, talking about the likes of Mr. Ibu who is a lost cause, Ariyike in her Ankara curtain, Toni Tones, the Barbie in Bodymagic, Seyi Shey in her night robe, Osas in her divine peach number, Kemi Adetiba in that excellently-tailored suit, or Eku Edewor who will finish dressing well, then will go and tie one tin one tin on her arm or hair (this girl is a living definition of a cry for help) etc.

But I have to stop here. Before some people will come and say I have a bad mouth.

Written by Joan Rivers’ granddaughter, twice removed from her maternal side, who just so happens to be Nigerian


About shakespeareanwalter

Walt Shakes(@Walt_Shakes) is an award-winning Nigerian writer, poet and veteran blogger. He is a lover of the written word. the faint whiff of nature, the flashing vista of movies, the warmth of companionship and the happy sound of laughter.

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21 comments

  1. 😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂 I can do nothing but laugh helplessly. I don’t even know where to begin pointing out how this piece slayed me. That dig at Dakore’s and Dolapo’s dresses though… 😂😂😂😂

  2. And here I was praising the ladies that they did better this year than last year. For me Uche jumbo bags the award of the worst dressed Madame.

  3. Jeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeesu!!!!!!!! I laughed so hard, I woke up my flatmate. Kai!! Aunty Naija Fashion Police, diarris God o!! Beht why yaff not say anything abat Halima Abubakar and Uche Jombo cloth na? As for Innuendo, sorry, Ini Edo, when God was sharing fashion sense, she went to go and gist with her friends and missed out. She. Just. Kent. Gerrit, simpo!
    Thanks Wally and Aunty NFP for this amazing start to the week, lemme gaan read again and laugh some more!
    😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😉😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😉

  4. Bad mouth ke? How can anyone say you’ve got bad mouth?! You don’t have at all.

  5. Ok o…I never knew Joan had a 9ja relative o. Lol.

    I do agree with u dear, on some of ur points but I have to voice my disappointment at my boo, Genevieve! Haba, Genny maka y? The dress was understated and d drab colour made her look somewhat like a burnt dessert. If she had her hair up in a coif of some sort, d look MAY have been remedied to an extent. However, dat dress did no justice to her beautiful skin tone…I know Mr. Walt will haunt me for this one but me sef, d look still dey pain me o😢😢😢.

    Moving on, I have to call out Nse’s and Kate’s stylist oh. What were dey thinking donning what really looks like some of my church dressed on these fashionistas? A lot of these beautiful women were let down by their style teams, I must say. Either d dresses were too “churchy” like these 2 or weren’t ironed well, like Ini, Kate, Osas(yeah she looked nice but rumpled) and a few others.

    Mbong actually looked great from a back view, but that front…aye yah yah, Lawd have mercy!

    I also disagree with u on Uti, I think he was one of d most put together guys on d carpet and of course, my Man crush/boo of life, RMD looked…they really ought to declare him a national heritage oh!😍😍😍.

    Well, the night was froth with a lot of misses and a few hits, and I must say Rita and Mercy hit the AMVCA ball wayyyyyyy out of d park!!!

    • shakespeareanwalter

      *in a quiet and deadly tone* Genevieve Nnaji looked like burnt dessert, eh Geraldine?

    • Ermmmm, I am sorry Walt…I meant a yummy sorbet!!! Please don’t go all hulk on me oh. It was Joan speaking thru my fingers.😢😢😢

  6. 😹😹😹😹😹😹😹😹. The fact that “she who must not be named” decided to be anonymous is a good ‘fashion’ sense. Because I’m pretty sure that assassins have been dispatched from various angles. THIS IS MURDER!!!

  7. Lawd! Dead, this commentary made me cry from laughing so hard!
    Damn tihihihi 😂

  8. 😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😅😅😅😅😅😅😅😂😂😂😂😂😅😅😅😅😅😅
    Eziokwu, where do I even start from? This was deadly, just deadly.
    Every critique was a hit back to back.

  9. Jane Gloriana Villanueva

    I’m sorry dear,you don’t know a thing about fashion if can criticize mocheddah ,a trendy and chic look,she opted from wearing the “usual” and is a trendy setter anyday and for blossom chukwujekwu,remember it was the amvca and not the Oscars.he was my best dressed for the night.I don’t agree with many of your analysis but thanks for making me chuckle.

  10. Cursing people upandan….
    I didn’t laugh out loud sha….
    I choked trying not to.

  11. MMs pls add my email to your mailing list, don’t know how I opted out, thanks so much .have really missed receiving mails from you. thank u. my email is Ademisoye4me@gmail.com

  12. Majid Micheal got a pass for his over sized? 😱and Nobody saw Mai Atafo’s shoe? 😱😱Oh, and I think Mo’Cheddah slayed. Hate that whatever clutch she carried tho.

  13. Yaaay! I sighted my friend behind them Ramsey Noah. 😀
    Oh, and I didn’t want this to end. Send me more yabs privately. I want to laugh more…if you ask me if you are a clown..i wee say na you talk am.

  14. I do think Rita’s outfit was understated just like Genevieve. They were nice dresses, not just for this event. I was actually looking forward to seeing them. On my best dressed for the night, I will give Mercy definitely. I totally disagree with you, I thought her whole look was perfection. She totally owned it. I wouldn’t change a thing

  15. Lwkmd. Can’t stop the tears rolling down as a result of too much laughter. Am in my children’s room because me and hubby dey carry face but as soon as I started reading this I just bursted into laughter even the kids sef wake up. Shebi you have seen what you’ve caused now

  16. Messed up fashionistas

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