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Jesus Healed A Gay Man

You don’t understand.

Everyone says Homosexuals are this, homosexuals are that

But Jesus Christ healed a Gay man in the Bible.

And it wasn’t his homosexuality the good Lord healed him of.

I mean, I was having this talk with my friend Nathaniel the other day (by the way, Nath’s a hard line conservative, like Deeper Life on steroids). So I said to him, “Jesus Christ healed a gay guy.” And the look he gave me was one that could totally reverse global warming and take us back to the Ice Age. And I was like, oh dear, oh dear. And he said, “I don’t believe you. But I respect you as a person, so I’m going to go ask my pastor.”

And I was like, “Lol, but your pastor already thinks thunder’s going to fire me tomorrow and I’m going to wind up in hell. Your pastor will die first before he lets a gay person step into his church, and even if a miracle happens and he allows it, he’s allowing it just so he can throw the gay guy in deliverance class or better still hand him over to the Po-Lice for intense blood sucking… And that’s alright. We all know he’s not really a pastor. He just has a PhD in God Engineering and Psychological, spiritual, economical and social manipulation.”

Check this out though: in the Bible Book of Luke chapter seven verses one to ten, a Roman Centurion comes to Jesus and begs him to heal his servant.

Nothing there on the surface, but if you look closely, you’ll find that the translation for ‘servant’ isn’t the right word to use in that passage. A basic knowledge of Greek will show you that the more accurate word might be ‘boy lover’. (It’s sort of like the kind of silliness that dogged Bishop Ajayi Crowther’s translation of the English Bible to Yoruba. How can you say ‘Esu’ is the same thing as the devil? The Yoruba has no Mephistophelian embodiment of evil. No Satan. Esu is a god, like Sango and Obatala and the rest. Silly mistakes in translation.)

Now In ancient Greek, the word ‘pias’ covers a number of things: such as ‘girl’. It also covers ‘young gay lover’. Many linguists, including Kenneth Dover, the world-leading expert on Ancient Greece agrees on this. Since an erastes-pais relationship involved an older man and a youth, and the Centurion shows way more tenderness for his young ‘pias’ than a rich Roman would for a mere servant – I mean, there’s more than enough documentation that proves that the elites back in the day didn’t give a fuck about their servants except they were fucking them. And even then, they seldom gave a fuck.

People like to act all coy and whatnot whenever I bring this up. Let me ask a question.

Do you think there were no homosexuals in the Bible during the time of Jesus? Do you think all the homosexuals in the world died in Sodom and Gomorrah? OK, that’s two questions, but answer me that.

While you’re at it, let me tell you about Ruth and Naomi.

So these two ladies lived in a time when being female put you on a social standing roughly around the level of earthworms and maggots. Women were nothing. Yet, Ruth and her mother-in-law Naomi still managed to fend for themselves. My interpretation of their relationship is actually deeper than that though. I believe that these two people were actually totally in love.

I mean, in the holy book, Ruth tells Naomi she’ll never leave her. She says – and I paraphrase – “Where thou goest, I go. Where thou diest, there will I be buried.” Nothing there? Not love? Look again. Even in death, the one ‘clings’ to the other.

That word ‘cling’ in Hebrew is used to describe a husband becoming one with his wife. In the Bible book of Ruth, they declare their love for one another (something they never say to their husbands)—and when Ruth finally gets pregnant, everyone refers to the child as Naomi’s baby. And that’s even before we even start talking about Ruth’s speech to Naomi being the most-quoted text at modern (‘heterosexual’, lol) weddings.

Now, I know most people would say, “Aw, man. You got it all twisted. Not enough evidence – blah, blah, blah.” I tell you, it’s alright. The eye will see what the eye will see. The heart will love whom the heart will love.

I just want to say:

The only reason why I’d let anyone tag me “Christian” is because I actually study the teacher Jesus. I actually LIKE some of the things he did and said.

I think he was very clever.

Look. He even decided to come to earth with Ruth as his Root, the great-grandmother of David, knowing full well her relationship status (whatever it was) with Naomi.

Today, I want to apologize for all the Christians who make Facebook posts that read “God hates fags.” I promise you Jesus wouldn’t act like that.

I also want to say (because I study medicine and I know) that gay people aren’t sick. If they are, they are only in the way ALL humans are sick, flawed and broken. Jesus healed that guy like he’d heal anyone else. No drama.

Just love your neighbor please. Like yourself. Don’t overdo it, but love despite the differences.

PS: And I was thinking about this in reverse too. I was asking myself: what if it was Jesus who needed help, would he have let a gay person help him? After all, his PA, Mary of Magdala, was a prostitute. And he let an unclean woman with incredibly long hair touch him.

See?

I know some Christians would gladly watch their gay children die. Some would rather die than receive help from a gay person.

Y’all think you’re Christians? You are Callous!

Y’all think you’re Holy? You are Hellish!

This is my way of thumbing my nose at the sanctimonious, semi-senile, sock-sucking Satanists sitting behind smoke-screens and serenading soggy-livered scripture students with silliness.

Gay people are not demons, not angels, just People.

Written by Hannu


About shakespeareanwalter

Walt Shakes(@Walt_Shakes) is an award-winning Nigerian writer, poet and veteran blogger. He is a lover of the written word. the faint whiff of nature, the flashing vista of movies, the warmth of companionship and the happy sound of laughter.

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One comment

  1. That’s all the church I need this morning. And the church said Amen.

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