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IN HER OPINION: To The Person Who Says I’m Pro-Divorce

Some days ago, someone referred to me as pro-divorce.

“Eketi, you too like divorce, every small thing divorce,” she said.

Sigh.

My friends, let me tell you a story.

Sometime ago, I observed a curious thing. This thing happened at a nursery school, in a class of three and four year olds.

A little boy, whom we shall call Joseph, had a disagreement with a little girl, whom we shall call Mary. Suddenly, Joseph gave Mary a slap. Mary began to cry. The teacher called Joseph to order. Of course, the little boy nodded, then went back and hit Mary again. The teacher disciplined him.

Then the teacher called Mary and said, “Don’t play with Joseph anymore, since he likes hitting you. And if hits you again, stand up for yourself. Hit him right back.”

“Yes, Aunty,” murmured the little angel.

Some minutes passed. Joseph went back to talking to Mary. Then before you could say Afang soup, he slapped her. But before Mary could retaliate, Joseph suddenly did an about-turn. He enveloped Mary in a hug and began to apologise. Poor girl, she nodded and said OK.

Then he leaned back and slapped her again! And immediately hugged her, and apologised profusely. At this point, my jaw was just wide open.

As the confused girl was still trying to decide whether this sorry was genuine, he smacked her again. As he leaned in to hug her again, the girl went berserk, and proceeded to give him the brushing of his life. I tried not to laugh…and failed.

Tell me again that you’re staying in an abusive relationship for the sake of the children. See the boy above? He was just FOUR years old! Where do you think he learned that vile behaviour of beat-apologise-beat from?

Pro-divorce Advocate…

This tag is as a result of my speaking out against domestic violence. Because I’ve often said and will still say, if your life is in danger from a man or woman you married, run for your life. Don’t raise kids in such a toxic environment.

The funny thing is, I have never advised divorce as the first option. Separation first. Then do all you can within that period to solve your issues. If symptoms persist like malaria, then run. Don’t stay there and be saying, “God is still in the business of healing broken relationships.”

Of course, He is. But stay away and let Him deal with it.

Two months ago, I heard a tale of a woman who’d been separated from her husband for a year, after years of chopping punches and verbal abuse. The man begged and cried and begged some more.

Then “they” begged her, in fact, ordered her to go back. “Go back to your husband… People are laughing at you… It’s a taboo to be a divorcee… Your husband is your pride as a woman…”

She went back. He threw her from the second floor of their house to her death.

“Dust to dust… The Lord giveth and the Lord taketh…”

The husband is still walking free. Instead of jailing the murderer, “they” are “handling it as a family matter.”

End of the story.

And you call me a divorce advocate?

Shame on you!

Written by Eketi Ette


About shakespeareanwalter

Walt Shakes(@Walt_Shakes) is an award-winning Nigerian writer, poet and veteran blogger. He is a lover of the written word. the faint whiff of nature, the flashing vista of movies, the warmth of companionship and the happy sound of laughter.

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9 comments

  1. This is the one thing I like Eketi for. The ability to backup her claims with cogent reasons on point once again.

  2. My Goooddddd! What family matter?! I ll kill him and then we csn handle it as a family matter. .rubbish. i have 5 sisters and I warn them to marry the right men for my sake cos I ll kill any man that touches them. Wife beaters take note and better don’t marry my sisters o. I don talk my own.

  3. Udegbunam Chukwudi

    Please at what point does a heinous crime lose the right to be handled as a family matter?

    All these “let us settle it amongst ourselves” ish can be very very annoying.

  4. Having heard your opinion thus far in that tone and language you use, if I say I love you, please don’t take it personal.

  5. lol. …i ll always say ds…women are d gullible sort

  6. Family matter?. I’m in shock

  7. It’smyfault. I made a mistake and did something that upset them.”

    “They said that I’m controlling. I drove them to act this way.”

    “They’re just stressed/tired/having a bad day/kidding.”

    “They aren’t usually like this.”

    “It’s not that bad. At least they don’t hit me.”

    “They didn’t hit me that hard. It could be worse.”

    “They weren’t always like this.”

    “They were abused as a child/they grew up in an abusive family — it’s all they know.”

    “They just have a drug/alcohol problem.”

    “They’re bipolar — it’s a medical condition.”

    “I’m just overreacting. They say I’m too emotional.”

    These are all excuses people have come up with a defense when you ask or point out the they are in an abusive relationship. It sickens me when I look around and discover that some people just do not give a da*. About their well being.

    of cause I recognize that men experience verbal and emotional abuse at the hands of women, less well accepted or admitted is the fact of physical abuse. In our society, we think of women as the victims and men as the aggressors in physical abuse.  The fact that women are more likely to be severely injured in domestic violence adds to the problem of recognizing male abuse.  Nevertheless, it happens – frequently.  In fact, men are just as likely to be seriously injured when a woman becomes violent because women are more likely to use weapons in the course of an assault.  If a male client indicates that his girlfriend or partner assaulted him, believe him.  A man will find it harder to discuss his pain with you than will a woman, and even harder to admit to being a victim. It is easier to attribute an injury to a sports mishap or workplace accident than to admit to a doctor or police officer it resulted from domestic violence.

    Facts:Fewer men report abuse. They are ashamed to report being abused by women.Health care and law enforcement professionals are more likely to accept alternative explanations of abuse from a man. They will believe other reasons for the presence of bruises and other signs of injury.Our justice system often takes the word of the woman above the word of the man in abuse cases. It is just more believable that the aggressor was the man, not the woman.Men are more likely to tolerate the pain of abuse than women. They “grin and bear it” more. And again, many are ashamed to seek medical help for abuse.Unless a woman uses a weapon, she usually does not have the strength to inflict injury.

    Abused men are as likely as their female counterparts are to have low self-esteem.  People can come to believe that they are somehow responsible for what happened.  People cling to the hope that things will get better: that the woman he “loves” will quit when their relationship is better adjusted, or the children get older and show more responsibility.  These are all pretty much the same excuses women make for remaining with men who batter them.

    • I like this.
      The discussion of domestic violence should be balanced. Men suffer too.
      When you see a man suddenly turn alcoholic, or other uncharacteristic behavior, those may be the signs of abuse.
      Domestic violence should not be tolerated, and separation is the only solution.
      If the couples are ever to come together again, it must be like they are starting afresh, with courtship, wooing, spending weekends before living fully together. If any form of abuse happens during this time, let each go there separate ways.
      Marriage isn’t bondage; even God created it for pleasure and companionship. All those pressures of not divorcing is religious fanaticism.

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