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I Fear The Darkness In Me

I actually don’t know what’s wrong with me. Honestly I’m starting to get scared of myself.

This started after some discoveries I made about myself, and a memory trip I took back to my growing up years. I remember when I was a kid, I used to have these weird, scary dreams. I’m never known for being emotional by my family and the people very close to me. I simply don’t feel overly sorry for or too excited about anything.

I remember stabbing my elder sister with a knife. Thankfully, she dodged my striking motion, and the blade cut just her arm. The innermost feelings I had then was to see people suffer and cry, and to conceal my enjoyment of it with a polite smile. I remember when I was six, our neighbour died and when I heard, I laughed so hard.

Just recently, I found out I was an infant with natural dreadlocks; dada, they call it. And knowing the superstition that followed such phenomena has fueled my anxiety over my discoveries.

I remember when I was seven and we would go to the stream. And I’d see little kids playing before me at the stream. And no one else with me would admit to seeing anything or anyone. These little kids would play before me, and I’d laugh at their antics, sometimes even carried on conversations with them.

I remember being able to forecast the rains as a child.

I remember when I was in Junior Secondary, and the Senior Prefect gave me some lashes of his cane for making some noise while he was addressing my class. The following day, and on for a week, he fell seriously ill, and his right hand was swollen.

I remember when I had a bus fare issue with a conductor. I told him what I could afford to pay, and he agreed. I paid him, expecting change. When I got to my bus stop however, he refused to hand me my change, reverting back to the original fare, in spite of our earlier agreement. The bus zoomed off in the face of my anger. But it didn’t get very far before the conductor lost his balance and fell from the bus. He didn’t die; he broke some bones instead.

I remember two years ago, when a woman took my seat in the bus heading to Ogwashi-Uku from Asaba; I’d vacated the spot to go get some snacks. She refused to get up when I returned and asked politely for my seat. I angrily decided against taking the bus. And later, there was news of the bus being in an accident at the junction connecting Ibusa and the straight road that leads to Ogwashi-Uku, and how weirdly, only a woman died. I have begun trying to be more in control of my temper, ever since this incident happened.

I used to have a terrible headache that would last for weeks, during which time I’d be acting weird. I never get angry easily, and the two times I was really, really angry, I scared the people around me. The feeling I get to kill and the headaches have gotten intense on me, and those weird, scary dreams of my childhood are back. I dream of hurting people, and I wake up to that dark emotion slowly overpowering me.

There are so many things that I remember, so many things going on in my life that I cannot write, but which have started to fill me with fear of me. I’m fighting the feeling nevertheless, and I sincerely hope I won’t give in and do something horrible someday.

Please I need to know what I must do before the worst happens.

Written by McGray


About shakespeareanwalter

Walt Shakes(@Walt_Shakes) is an award-winning Nigerian writer, poet and veteran blogger. He is a lover of the written word. the faint whiff of nature, the flashing vista of movies, the warmth of companionship and the happy sound of laughter.

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19 comments

  1. Shakey, do I know this McGray guy?? Please come and describe him to me o!! Make I no mistakenly vex am one day. 🙁 😮

    • shakespeareanwalter

      LMAO!!! I think he’s that guy who sat next to you on the bus to Maraba that day you visited Lugbe for anyibaby’s birthday thanksgiving. 😀

  2. One thing is obvious. You are gifted. Maybe you also have a dark cloud hanging over you. I don’t know why but that’s not important. What is important is this: how do you fight and overcome the darkness? Cruelty is a choice. No matter what dark clouds hang over you, you still have a choice. You can yield or not yield.
    Chose light over darkness…or it will swallow you whole. Do nothing and it will take you. Your salvation lies in your RESISTANCE.

  3. Eat some snickers

    • shakespeareanwalter

      Lol. Tobby, how on earth would that help?

    • hahahahahahahahahahaha!!!! bwahahahahahabwahahahahha!!!! This piece got me in serious thinking mode but i read your comment and serious thinking evaporated… Lol. Snickers or fried peppered chicken solves many problems…

  4. You desperately need the help of a trained psychologist or psychiatrist. the guy who commented above is right, you have to fight this. But not everyone is strong-willed enough to withstand the demons eating at you from the inside. You need help. And I’m not talking of the pastor-pray-for-me kind. You need someone licensed to do that to get into your head and help straighten these knots you’ve unconsciously tied in there.
    I truly wish you overcome this darkness before it overcomes you.
    All the best.

  5. keep on fighting then

  6. This is fictional, right?

  7. Hmmm,now this is a serious shit! The mind is the battle field,if you can conquer your mind then you are a victor. Just try to do the things you love doing,dnt waste your energy on negative vibes. Above all when you have such thoughts,go to God in prayers,He’ll surely help you out. Darkness is like an abyss,dnt ever take that path.

  8. I can totally relate to this guy’s narration. He should know that he’s not the only one and that God has given us the gift of free-will. He has to consent for anything to happen. It’s his life, and the earlier he takes control of it, the better. Otherwise, he should hand it over to God for control.

  9. I suggest you speak to a trained psychotherapist. You may want to look up Samuel Babatunde Obafemi; he’s on Facebook by that name or send him a mail> welisten@samobafemi.com

  10. You are not alone. Just as manny has said, resistance is very key. I won’t bullshit you with there is darkness in all of us bla bla bla… I understand exactly what you are going through. Your gift is not a curse unless you let it be. Easy to say, I know. However, I also know it’s harder to do. It would take every ounce of your willpower to achieve it but you can do it. YOU ARE NOT ALONE.

  11. When all has been said, what’s left is to summarize and say all again.

    The service of a shrink, and something to munch during the episodes, say walnut or coconut you can channel the force to and crack (I second the motions for snickers and peppered chicken).

    Okay, scratch the munch advice. A shrink is what you need!

  12. for real? things happens oooo
    Buh I think u still hv a choice weda to get angry or not, u can channel on dat energy to do sumfin good tho

  13. Wahala dey o.
    Biko embrace the witchy woo thingy and write JAMB to go to Hogwarts 😀

  14. I like him, I want him as a friend. I wonder if his ‘gift’ is transferable

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