I actually don’t know what’s wrong with me. Honestly I’m starting to get scared of myself.
This started after some discoveries I made about myself, and a memory trip I took back to my growing up years. I remember when I was a kid, I used to have these weird, scary dreams. I’m never known for being emotional by my family and the people very close to me. I simply don’t feel overly sorry for or too excited about anything.
I remember stabbing my elder sister with a knife. Thankfully, she dodged my striking motion, and the blade cut just her arm. The innermost feelings I had then was to see people suffer and cry, and to conceal my enjoyment of it with a polite smile. I remember when I was six, our neighbour died and when I heard, I laughed so hard.
Just recently, I found out I was an infant with natural dreadlocks; dada, they call it. And knowing the superstition that followed such phenomena has fueled my anxiety over my discoveries.
I remember when I was seven and we would go to the stream. And I’d see little kids playing before me at the stream. And no one else with me would admit to seeing anything or anyone. These little kids would play before me, and I’d laugh at their antics, sometimes even carried on conversations with them.
I remember being able to forecast the rains as a child.
I remember when I was in Junior Secondary, and the Senior Prefect gave me some lashes of his cane for making some noise while he was addressing my class. The following day, and on for a week, he fell seriously ill, and his right hand was swollen.
I remember when I had a bus fare issue with a conductor. I told him what I could afford to pay, and he agreed. I paid him, expecting change. When I got to my bus stop however, he refused to hand me my change, reverting back to the original fare, in spite of our earlier agreement. The bus zoomed off in the face of my anger. But it didn’t get very far before the conductor lost his balance and fell from the bus. He didn’t die; he broke some bones instead.
I remember two years ago, when a woman took my seat in the bus heading to Ogwashi-Uku from Asaba; I’d vacated the spot to go get some snacks. She refused to get up when I returned and asked politely for my seat. I angrily decided against taking the bus. And later, there was news of the bus being in an accident at the junction connecting Ibusa and the straight road that leads to Ogwashi-Uku, and how weirdly, only a woman died. I have begun trying to be more in control of my temper, ever since this incident happened.
I used to have a terrible headache that would last for weeks, during which time I’d be acting weird. I never get angry easily, and the two times I was really, really angry, I scared the people around me. The feeling I get to kill and the headaches have gotten intense on me, and those weird, scary dreams of my childhood are back. I dream of hurting people, and I wake up to that dark emotion slowly overpowering me.
There are so many things that I remember, so many things going on in my life that I cannot write, but which have started to fill me with fear of me. I’m fighting the feeling nevertheless, and I sincerely hope I won’t give in and do something horrible someday.
Please I need to know what I must do before the worst happens.
Written by McGray