Some of you might remember the name – Buruji Kashamu. It is a name difficult to forget, partly because it has that rare quality of having the same number of syllables on both first name and surname. It is a rare phenomenon. Another reason you might remember Buruji is his stomach. Buruji’s stomach is a part of his identity.
But this edition of the column is not about his stomach. That is an article for another day. But let me quickly add that his stomach walks on its own and has a functional brain and nervous system.
So recently we heard that the National Association of Nigerian Students gave him an award as the ‘Golden Man of the Year’.
Now this is a bit troubling. First question: why do Nigerian students need a national association? Are those the books they should be reading? Plus we can tell clearly that the association is quite useless, since going on strike is still a part of the university curriculum.
Secondly, why should an association of students take it upon themselves to bestow an award on someone who is in no way part of the educational system of the country? And can someone please explain what it means to be a ‘Golden Man’? Does it have anything to do with jewelry? Skin complexion? Personal hygiene? Or this new Gold saving plans I see everywhere? Because Buruji Kashamu is really black.
And last but not the least, why Kashamu? Because, if a man is still wanted for selling and distributing narcotics in the United States, I see nothing ‘Golden’ about him.
Now kindly ignore everything you have read above. That was the hater in me manifesting itself. Let me show you the true Nigerian. The following are reasons why Buruji Kashamu deserves the ‘Golden Man of the Year’ Award.
- He is rich.
- He is a Nigerian senator. It does not matter if he is a wanted drug baron and a serial criminal. No. Why? Refer to Number One.
- He is generous. A giver of stolen money never lacks for awards, chieftaincy titles and doctorate degrees in Nigeria.
- Being a Golden Man also has to do with your type of jewelry and Buruji Kashamu wears the best of the best.
With these few points of mine, I hope I have been able to convince you and not to confuse you that Buruji Kashamu deserves not only the Golden Man of the Year Award, but a slot on the second batch of the ministerial list.
So does Diezani Alison-Madueke.
Yes, speaking of the devil, Madam Diezani, you are heartless oh. There is a very important fact about 13bn Pounds. Do you know what it is? Well, it is this. If you sacrifice 30 able-bodied humans for moneymaking rituals, you still won’t get up to 13bn Pounds, because the Devil himself does not have that kind of money in Hell’s bank. So I am nominating Diezani for the second batch of ministers and the Golden Woman of the Year award.
Written by Chika Jones, tweets at @chika_jones