I cannot ever lose an argument. Ask anybody who knows me. They all respect me when it comes to that. So I will share with you one surefire way to become like me, not that you’ll ever have such great hair like mine, but by the time you are done reading this, you will be able to win any argument, no matter how tricky the situation is. One thing I can guarantee you about my methods is this: they don’t always work. Having said that, please put on some PPE, and let’s get cracking.
First and foremost – and this is important – when the argument is going south for you, quickly attribute it to God. What I mean is this: say for example, you are arguing why the road between Owerri and Port Harcourt has become similar to that of an Indian village in the monsoon season, and your opponent is bringing up such unbelievable factors as Government incompetency or Corrupt contractors, look squarely at him and tell him that all these things, including that pothole in front of Imo State Polytechnic, is because God is punishing mankind for our sins.
Note: This works mostly on Christians. In the case of other religious denominations, please use the appropriate deity.
Suppose you and your opponent are on a topic like, ‘Does Enyimba FC play better than Barcelona FC?’ Your opponent may bring up points like ‘Better player pedigree’ or even something as stupid as the fact that Barcelona FC has more achievements. Simply ignore all that nonsense and get very violent, start shouting in his face and pushing things around, knock over a table- I personally recommend knocking over two –, shove him around. Notice that this should be accompanied by appropriate insults. It has worked on many occasions. Most people will concede defeat to your superior points. People are so impressed, they may even leave you alone immediately.
Note: It is vital to measure upper body strength between you and your opponent, before you use this method. This is not important, but notice that after using this method, a visit to the hospital might be needed.
MY PASTOR SAID
Let’s say for example, you are in the middle of a heated religious argument, and your opponent is doing something as dumb as making his points using a Bible. This method is all about timing. Listen to him read from the bible, and as soon as he raises his head to say something, hold up a finger – I usually recommend the forefinger on the right hand –, look into his eyes, and say: “I know that is what the Bible says, but this is what my pastor said. . . .’ At this point, he will drop the Bible and fall on his knees, trembling. Works every time.
Note: It is vital that you go to church at least once a year, so you’ll have a snippet of gold wisdom, from your pastor’s lips to use.
If for example you are a lawyer defending a man accused of murder, and normally your breakfast drink is water. And you’ve finally gotten to that final day in court, when you know winning or losing might mean the difference between your client’s life or death. After breakfast, take liberal amounts of alcohol – I’m not sure of the exact amount – but make sure you can get to the courtroom. This is very important. Then through the haze of alcohol, watch the lips of the prosecuting lawyer, you don’t have to understand what he is saying. If you can, you didn’t have enough alcohol. When he sits down, or anytime during his talk, let the alcohol take over. Stagger up, sit on the floor, it doesn’t matter. And just let loose with your brilliant argument.
Note: You may not remember a word you said later on. You may not remember how you left the courtroom. You may not remember the verdict.
Stay tuned to next week as we discuss other brilliant argument-winning methods. Which have you decided to employ?
Written by Chika Jones, tweets at @chika_jones