A big welcome to all those who used last week’s suggestions and came off victorious and likely injured. No one said winning arguments would be easy. So let’s continue this wonderful training with this week’s tutorial.
One great thing about this method is, it doesn’t take a great IQ to use. It is used effectively every day, around the world, by people with the intelligence of cabbage, and with great results. If for example you are a father and – God forbid – you get into an argument with your son over the name of Kanye West and Kim Kardashian’s daughter, it doesn’t matter if every time he says Kanye West, you have a picture of good old Tupac flashing through your mind. And it is not of any importance that you wouldn’t be able to differentiate Kim Kardashian from a plate of indomie. Just tell him, the name cannot be North West, and if he dares ask how you know this, cock your head to one side, and give him one of those smiles that makes it possible for clueless old men to mislead a country for decades, and deliver your winning argument. It’s the same argument your father used on you with great results. And it is summed up in these words – “Are we mates?”
Now the next method is a bit trickier, simply because you must have a background in science to use it. By this, I mean, you must be able to spell ‘science’. Having got that vital skill, you can now proceed to use this. The phrase can be used in almost every argument. For example, a friend of yours is using the ‘My Pastor Said’ line of argument, telling you his pastor said the building (definitely not the one you are thinking) fell because a giant UFO was throwing radioactive beams at it. You know he is wrong, but you have no argument to counter this. Simply say, ‘Studies suggest that UFOs can be found only in Nebraska.’
Note: The rest of the sentence does not have to make sense. The vital ingredient is ‘Studies show’. It’s like indomie spice in the noodles; you can do without everything else. Also before using the phrase, like I said above, spell science either quietly or out loud. For those of you who can’t, it’s S-C-I-E-N-E.
GOD WORKS IN MYSTERIOUS WAYS
Suppose you are in Lagos and happen to get into an argument with someone who survived the SCOAN disaster, and he insists he was saved by God. When you ask him, Why God didn’t save the others? Because looking at him, you can just tell this is one guy the world could have done without. And then he replies with, ‘God works in mysterious ways.’ And since he said that before you did, simply walk away. That is one argument you cannot win.
So I want your suggestions, I have an ongoing argument with my boss. The human heat rash says I have to go to work to get paid, and I say it wasn’t stipulated in our agreement that I must do some actual work. How do I win this argument without: A. Getting fired, B. Getting sacked, or C. Getting canned.
Written by Chika Jones, tweets at @chika_jones