Home / Anecdotes / HUMOUR COLUMN: Ways To Argue Effectively And Win (Part 2)

HUMOUR COLUMN: Ways To Argue Effectively And Win (Part 2)

A big welcome to all those who used last week’s suggestions and came off victorious and likely injured. No one said winning arguments would be easy. So let’s continue this wonderful training with this week’s tutorial.


One great thing about this method is, it doesn’t take a great IQ to use. It is used effectively every day, around the world, by people with the intelligence of cabbage, and with great results. If for example you are a father and – God forbid – you get into an argument with your son over the name of Kanye West and Kim Kardashian’s daughter, it doesn’t matter if every time he says Kanye West, you have a picture of good old Tupac flashing through your mind. And it is not of any importance that you wouldn’t be able to differentiate Kim Kardashian from a plate of indomie. Just tell him, the name cannot be North West, and if he dares ask how you know this, cock your head to one side, and give him one of those smiles that makes it possible for clueless old men to mislead a country for decades, and deliver your winning argument. It’s the same argument your father used on you with great results. And it is summed up in these words – “Are we mates?”


Now the next method is a bit trickier, simply because you must have a background in science to use it. By this, I mean, you must be able to spell ‘science’. Having got that vital skill, you can now proceed to use this. The phrase can be used in almost every argument. For example, a friend of yours is using the ‘My Pastor Said’ line of argument, telling you his pastor said the building (definitely not the one you are thinking) fell because a giant UFO was throwing radioactive beams at it. You know he is wrong, but you have no argument to counter this. Simply say, ‘Studies suggest that UFOs can be found only in Nebraska.’

Note: The rest of the sentence does not have to make sense. The vital ingredient is ‘Studies show’. It’s like indomie spice in the noodles; you can do without everything else. Also before using the phrase, like I said above, spell science either quietly or out loud. For those of you who can’t, it’s S-C-I-E-N-E.


Suppose you are in Lagos and happen to get into an argument with someone who survived the SCOAN disaster, and he insists he was saved by God. When you ask him, Why God didn’t save the others? Because looking at him, you can just tell this is one guy the world could have done without. And then he replies with, ‘God works in mysterious ways.’ And since he said that before you did, simply walk away. That is one argument you cannot win.

So I want your suggestions, I have an ongoing argument with my boss. The human heat rash says I have to go to work to get paid, and I say it wasn’t stipulated in our agreement that I must do some actual work. How do I win this argument without: A. Getting fired, B. Getting sacked, or C. Getting canned.

Written by Chika Jones, tweets at @chika_jones

About shakespeareanwalter

Walt Shakes(@Walt_Shakes) is an award-winning Nigerian writer, poet and veteran blogger. He is a lover of the written word. the faint whiff of nature, the flashing vista of movies, the warmth of companionship and the happy sound of laughter.

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  1. Lol. The “one person the world could do without.” That’s got me!

  2. Mu na gi, anyi bu ogbo??
    Wallahi, anyone that argues after that is an ogbanje! 😐

  3. Just ask him where the work is, then go there. Shebi na to go to work? Or just use the rhyme: Must I get laid….before I get paid? A responsible boss will quietly avoid you. That way, you are free!

  4. Just quietly give up, you can’t win that. You are free to try other advices if you think this won’t work…lol.

  5. I totally enjoyed dis episode. Chop knuckle. As for your boss, do all the tasks assigned to you for the week on monday and take the remaining days off.

  6. “And then he replies with, ‘God works in mysterious ways.’ And since he said that before you did, simply walk away. That is one argument you cannot win”

    Hahahahahaha. Oh this post got me laughing. Having a bad day and this was totally worth it. Kudos dear.

  7. Despicable you! And am talking to you Chika! Gosh! You’re a sly, slippery and very shrewd Fox! *laughing* These got me in hysterics and I absolutely concur they’re all confirmed winning ways, low downright dirty but hey, you emerge victorious by hook and crook and that’s the only thing that counts right?! *evil grin*

    Forget ’bout winning that argument with your boss and just put that plan on the back burner unless you’ve got a sorta leverage or am afraid I’d be wishing you luck on your next interview with a prospective employer sooner than later and we both know that’s not up for discuss, now don’t we?! LMAO

  8. L.M.F.A.O!!! This is mighty hilarious.

  9. Hilarious…
    For your boss, just tell him studies have shown that the key to more wealth is not forcing employees to work before getting paid and that your pastor said that anyone that troubles you will die within 7 days but if anyone pays you without you working that they will receive a government contract of 200 billion within 3 days. That should do it

  10. lol…..”are we mates”?

  11. Hahahahahahahahahah. Really? I have got to try some of these methods. Especially the ‘God works in mysterious ways’.

  12. Father: Coreldraw is used to design android apps.
    Son : No Daddy Android studio or eclipse is used to design android apps
    Father : ( smiles ) Are we mates ? I gave birth to you, i am telling you something and you are saying what you don’t know. So, you are wiser than me now

    Now, this is actually very effective.

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