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HUMOUR COLUMN: Valentine Is Here Again

The Valentine season is here again. And as usual, there are many restaurants and lounges advertising Valentine packages and meals which will cost, on an average, an arm and a leg. Meanwhile, couples all over the world are planning ways to show love to their significant others on the 14th, so they can rest on all the other days of the year. Some of Nigeria’s future leaders are planning in earnest to spend all they have earned from the first of January on showing their love, while others plan to spend the day shuttling from one bae to the other.

For some of us, we plan to spend the day feeling lonely and sorry for ourselves.

The major issue most people face on Valentine’s Day is the issue of gifts. You find men couples wondering: What can I get for my partner that is expensive enough to look expensive, but not so expensive that it renders me homeless by June?

Well, I did some research on your behalf and came up with the following:

BYC Singlets

Don’t laugh please. Singlets are a very important item in every man and woman’s wardrobe, especially men. I bet you no man in Nigeria can currently go one week straight without wearing a singlet. So this is at the top on the list. You can buy those ones that are three in a pack for 1,200 naira. One pack is enough. Just add a little pack of detergent and your partner is set up for the year.

Perfume Or Body Spray

This is more than just a gift; it serves the purpose of making a statement too. Any of the smart collections will do, no point splurging on expensive perfumes, most body odors are immune to perfumes anyway. To add an element of surprise, you could simply get what most people know as ‘aboki perfume’; that stuff lasts forever. You may never need to buy perfume for your partner ever again. One disadvantage is that your partner may be dead and rotting in the next room, and you wouldn’t know.

IPhone –

Cover! The cover please! I see no point in buying anyone an iPhone as a Valentine gift. You are better off getting a piece of land in Mowe and presenting your partner with the C of O. But if you cannot, simply buy him or her an iPhone cover suitable for their phones. Why such things exist beats me. Are we really that desperate that we would go as far as passing off an Infinix phone as an iPhone? Really, people?

PS: If your bae ever uses this gift – the iPhone cover on another phone – that’s your cue to get out of the relationship.

A Box of Chocolates

You can never go wrong with chocolates. It is easily the best gift you can give. Like the wonderful saying goes: ‘If you are going to die young, why not die of diabetes?’ So please binge on chocolates. Buy your partner a box or twenty.

So, dear smitten ladies and gentlemen, the aforementioned is my own list. However, Ben Murray Bruce suggested a list earlier in the week. His list contained stuff like: Nasco biscuits, Innoson Cars, Shoes made in Aba, and – my personal favorite – a box of common sense.

Happy Valentine, Nigerians, and may your partner break up with you on the 14th. 😀

Written by Chika Jones, tweets @chika_jones

About shakespeareanwalter

Walt Shakes(@Walt_Shakes) is an award-winning Nigerian writer, poet and veteran blogger. He is a lover of the written word. the faint whiff of nature, the flashing vista of movies, the warmth of companionship and the happy sound of laughter.

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  1. Byc singlets and perfume? Lol. That is such an early-university-days Vals gift. Ah, the memories. Boxers too.

  2. Hahahahahaha. Instead of buying BYC singlet for me, don’t even bother.

  3. Hahahaha….
    Shebi val is just 3 days away? Nawa o.
    I think you should just form better pikin and spend it in the orphanage. That way, you don’t feel bad cos you have no bae by your side.

    • shakespeareanwalter

      Fifi, so there’s bae by your side, eh? What Val gifts are you shopping for? Any tips for us clueless ones?

  4. Why must it be BYC, ehn? Other brands dey na… Maybe na Chase deer Anyibaba like *Tear race *

  5. Chika ooooo! Lmao! This is just crazy! Thank you for the tips but most of all,for making me laugh.

  6. You don’t think the Bae receiving the iPhone cover will take it as their cue to leave the relationship?

  7. i hv bin trying to comment on this blog for years…finally!!!

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