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HUMOUR COLUMN: Up In The Air

I still do not understand the lure of travelling by air. I prefer going by road anywhere, even if it will take weeks. And occasionally, sadly, I am proven right. However, I will not entrust my life to a pilot I might not even see till the flight is over. I am a fan of seeing whoever I’m handing my life to. Isn’t that logical? Alright, I know you’ll say he’s qualified, but I still need to see him, look into his eyes to be absolutely sure. That is why when I’m faced with travel by road, I chat up the driver before entering the vehicle.

So why then will you enter a plane, without as much as a hello from the pilot, except when he greets you from the speakers? How are you even sure it’s not a recorded message played over and over again?

Before I place my life in a huge metallic machine flying thousands of metres above the ground, I would like some assurances.

First, a tête-à-tête with the pilot… Not just a hello, no sir… A full discussion. Has he had any alcohol in the last decade? Does he believe in life after death? Was he abused as a child? Is he married with kids? These are very relevant questions, because when that plane is flying over Oklahoma – where I don’t even know anyone – I want to be sure he won’t suddenly remember being flogged as a child.

Secondly, I want to understand how it stays up there. The plane, I mean. Because I don’t see anything holding it up, and gravity is being flagrantly ignored or disobeyed. I would like a full explanation, with schematics and calculations, explaining why it can and will safely stay up, until I get to my destination.

Thirdly, I would like to know my chances of survival. If anything goes wrong, is there any hope I can make it? Any chance at all? Or are you saying if anything goes wrong, I will surely turn up as manure in a Ukrainian field? Is there no sort of assurance at all that I could kind of make it?

After exhaustively examining these three points, I will still prefer to either go by road or sea. I leave the air travel to the rest of you.

PS: My heart goes out to the children who lost their lives in Yobe, Nigeria, and my condolences to the family of Dr. Myles Munroe.

Written by Chika Jones, tweets at @chika_jones


About shakespeareanwalter

Walt Shakes(@Walt_Shakes) is an award-winning Nigerian writer, poet and veteran blogger. He is a lover of the written word. the faint whiff of nature, the flashing vista of movies, the warmth of companionship and the happy sound of laughter.

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12 comments

  1. this is damm hilarious… men me too dey consider taking a parachute and oxygen mask along… biko, you don’t know when you will need it

  2. Real humour, but true reality!

  3. And to think of that plane carrying more people than two marcopolo buses! Iyammi!!

  4. *hands him a PMT ‘frequent travellers’ brooch*

    The day traveled from Lagos to Abuja for 22hrs, I swore never to go by rd again!!!

  5. I come here determined not to laugh.
    I always plan to scoff instead.
    Fails every time.

  6. Sadly in Nigeria, I see no difference in our means of transportation! Road travel’s marred by bad roads and a lotta times, drivers high on ‘paraga’, ‘alomo’, ‘igbo’ abi ke ‘pansaga’ are the ones running things! Am talking guys wey their eye don seriously dirty finish; behind the wheels! Air travel’s another kettle of fish! Imagine having attained a certain altitude, and you find yourself sweating like a ‘fowl’ and fanning thyself with newspaper?! Hmm…that’s just so wrong, totally! God help Naija! *smh*

    Tx for sharing this hilarious bit and may God rest the souls of Myles, his wife and their daughter! A grave tragedy it is but God knows best!

  7. Chi, thanks for making my day with this piece…wow i’m still tumbling over!

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