Let me just state that if you are used to me being funny, I would suggest you skip this particular post, because Yours Truly is about to get really personal and sort of mushy right here.
Good, good. Can you help me wave goodbye to the hard guys and hard girls who only come here to laugh?
Now that they are gone, let’s talk.
I have a question for the ladies – well, technically not just the ladies, since the dynamics for relationships have changed and we now have relationships between males and males, females and females, males and dogs, females and parsnips. I could go on and on, but I think you catch my drift.
Therefore this question is for the needier partner in any relationship. Why do you always wait till after sex to ask THE question?
‘So what are we doing?’
‘So what are we?’
‘Are we dating?’
‘What am I to you?’
If I am blessed with a daughter in the future, I will paste these questions in her room the night she turns thirteen, and make sure she knows that they are to be asked before not after sex.
If you want to put a name to a relationship, shouldn’t you do that before entering the relationship? It is almost like entering a bus in Lagos without knowing where it is headed. You would mostly likely end up in Ghana.
The question is unfair to the stronger partner – the ‘man’ in the relationship. It is almost like an ambush. Why would you wait for when the post-coital glow is upon ‘him’ before springing the question? All you’ll succeed in doing is first to deflate the bubble of sated feelings and then put the dude on the spot. Usually he has only two options; one option is to lie, and the other is to lie well.
You don’t expect him to say he doesn’t know where the relationship is headed, even though he actually doesn’t know. So he will simply tell you what he thinks you want to hear – that he has picked out his suit for the wedding, that the both of you will have four kids (two boys and two girls; I wonder how people who give birth to this combination do it, is there like a formula or timing?), and that you will live in America. After which he will immediately start avoiding you or start making exit plans.
This is because sometimes, ‘men’ are really just attracted to your body, and some research has shown that they are really just horny toads. Yet, if a ‘man’ walks up to you and is blatantly honest and goes, “Hey, I want us to have sex”, the only thing he is likely to have is a slap. So they have to tell you you are beautiful and wonderful and every other ’ful’ in the dictionary.
And then you have to go and ruin everything by asking the question after sex.
Written by Chika Jones, tweets at @chika_jones