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HUMOUR COLUMN: The Question After Sex

Hello guys,

Let me just state that if you are used to me being funny, I would suggest you skip this particular post, because Yours Truly is about to get really personal and sort of mushy right here.

Good, good. Can you help me wave goodbye to the hard guys and hard girls who only come here to laugh?

Now that they are gone, let’s talk.

I have a question for the ladies – well, technically not just the ladies, since the dynamics for relationships have changed and we now have relationships between males and males, females and females, males and dogs, females and parsnips. I could go on and on, but I think you catch my drift.

Therefore this question is for the needier partner in any relationship. Why do you always wait till after sex to ask THE question?

‘So what are we doing?’

‘So what are we?’

‘Are we dating?’

‘What am I to you?’

If I am blessed with a daughter in the future, I will paste these questions in her room the night she turns thirteen, and make sure she knows that they are to be asked before not after sex.

If you want to put a name to a relationship, shouldn’t you do that before entering the relationship? It is almost like entering a bus in Lagos without knowing where it is headed. You would mostly likely end up in Ghana.

The question is unfair to the stronger partner – the ‘man’ in the relationship. It is almost like an ambush. Why would you wait for when the post-coital glow is upon ‘him’ before springing the question? All you’ll succeed in doing is first to deflate the bubble of sated feelings and then put the dude on the spot. Usually he has only two options; one option is to lie, and the other is to lie well.

You don’t expect him to say he doesn’t know where the relationship is headed, even though he actually doesn’t know. So he will simply tell you what he thinks you want to hear – that he has picked out his suit for the wedding, that the both of you will have four kids (two boys and two girls; I wonder how people who give birth to this combination do it, is there like a formula or timing?), and that you will live in America. After which he will immediately start avoiding you or start making exit plans.

This is because sometimes, ‘men’ are really just attracted to your body, and some research has shown that they are really just horny toads. Yet, if a ‘man’ walks up to you and is blatantly honest and goes, “Hey, I want us to have sex”, the only thing he is likely to have is a slap. So they have to tell you you are beautiful and wonderful and every other ’ful’ in the dictionary.

And then you have to go and ruin everything by asking the question after sex.

Why?

Beht why?

Seriously, why?

Written by Chika Jones, tweets at @chika_jones


About shakespeareanwalter

Walt Shakes(@Walt_Shakes) is an award-winning Nigerian writer, poet and veteran blogger. He is a lover of the written word. the faint whiff of nature, the flashing vista of movies, the warmth of companionship and the happy sound of laughter.

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23 comments

  1. LOL! ‘But why?’ If I were to fathom a guess I’d say people feel vulnerable after sex and need to feel…important/needed. If a lie helps, well… Help a brother or sister out with a momentary sweet whatever-you-wanna-hear.

  2. Humans like rivers take the path of least resistance. After “the question” will come LIES. Sweet, easy escape route. And too much emotional manipulation happens in relationships. Abeg I gree with the writer. Ask the kweshon BEFORE not AFTER the torrid “sexing”.
    And there is another one oh! When a person says “I love you”, you aren’t under any compulsion to say “I love you too”. I can swear that more than half of the i-love-you-too’s are just people taking the path of least resistance…LIES.

  3. A lot of this world’s misfortune in romances and relationships come from declaring your love under the pressure to please your lover.

  4. Lwkmd. ..post coital glow? Who knew. …..loool. …I wonder how the conversation with the dog wud go..wuff wuff wuff? Hahaha haha haha hahaha. Back to the question…I really don’t know…I guess the coitus clears the mind of worries, and we would want to have this discussion with a clear head…I guess…

  5. Chika choi!lmao!u just made my afternoon!

  6. wish they could answer

  7. Yes, why?

  8. Chika, so you want them to ask these kain questions before sex & lock up the punani.My god will answer you for trying to spoil market for me.

  9. If such questions comes to me, I am just gonna rephrase it in another way. Like: What do you think we are doing?? Or better still answer truthfully: We are civil engineers drilling boreholes and laying in pipes

  10. Lmao @ Dr Bayo. I’m particular about the issue around honesty. Woman, why do you have to form ‘ah wee slap you’ when a brother walks up to you and toasts you for sex? As if you don’t want; I mean, who’s kidding who? This is the rrason so many ‘relationships’ are merely foil-covered games by moonlight. You pipu should stay dia!

  11. I think here is the logic: “if I ask you before the sex, you will lie just to get some (I can see the thinly veiled horny toad that you are) and even if you told the truth, I wouldn’t believe you (I see you as talking from your thing). So, now that you are sated, what do you want with me? So that I know what to tell my expectant heart. Do I tell it, this here is the real deal or do I tell it to stay far away and keep searching for the safe harbor to land.
    Plus, there is that vulnerability after sex, the need to be reassured that I mean more than just pussy. I don’t want to feel used. I need something sweet to make me feel human and not an object.
    Then, there is that little bugger called hope…hope that this is the last bus stop, where I can rest…the end of casual, meaningless, satisfy my urges sex”

  12. I once read this story about a girl who came with a friend to a party in some guy’s house – let’s call him Mike. Mike didn’t send the girl. Not particularly. But she wouldn’t leave after the party. Just hung around like a homeless person. He didn’t like confrontation so he didn’t ask anything. She started cooking for them, keeping house…then one day he lost his job and she comforted him. Then they had a daughter. Then another child. All this while Mike never said a word. All the while he was screaming inside WTF is going on?! One day they were 70 and he realised his life was lived for him. He actually had no say. He just got carried in the tide. I’m not sure what the moral of this stort is.

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