When Aunty Linda discovered what some models never discover till it is too late, which is that even breasts obey the pull of gravity, she did something which is not commonly associated with models – she made a smart decision. Just kidding, I know most models are actually smart, when they aren’t taking off their clothes for a living. For example . . . um, erm, Hmmm, remind me to come up with an instance before this article is finished.
Meanwhile, back to dear Aunty Linda… She decided to go into blogging, and soon enough, the money was rolling in. But like every other venture, Nigerians took over aggressively.
It’s like the very true story about the first ever phone call center operated. It was operated by a Yoruba man, whose name I have forgotten, but I know his daughter is the model whose name I can’t quite remember. Anyway, this Yoruba man was returning from his farm one day and spied an umbrella in the bush, and then the idea came to him: ‘Hey! Why not I set up a calling center, with an umbrella to protect my customers from the sun?’ Of course he said this in Yoruba, but that’s how the idea was born.
But he made a mistake which all entrepreneurs should learn not to make. He began making a lot of money. Learn from this, my dear people. Because as soon as he started making money, he came out to his call center one day, and there were rows upon rows of umbrellas everywhere, everyone in his village had become call center operators. And after some time, that is about five minutes later, a very strange realization dawned. There were no customers! This was partly because everyone in the village was an operator, and also because, to be honest, the reception was so poor in those days, many wise ones considered it far less stressful to trek, even if it took months.
So, exactly the same thing happened to blogging; every Nigerian who has access to the internet is now a blogger, and so we see headlines popping up every few seconds, such as:
‘Obasanjo’s Belly Is Actually Full Of Babies Not Beer, Click Here To Abort!’
‘Lionel Messi Has Sex With Girlfriend, And Goes Into An Epileptic Fit, Click Here To Help Him Finish!’
‘Buhari’s Result Found Near Waste Bin In Sabon-Gari, Click Here To View!’
I am not saying they are all this bad; most times, they are actually worse. And like the people of that village, in a little while, we will all realize we are all bloggers. Then each person will have to look for traffic from out of space for his or her blog, or we’ll turn to another business venture, like phone call centers.
And on a related topic, has anyone else noticed that rats are becoming bolder? You walk in on a rat in your kitchen and instead of running for cover, it’s there staring at you like, ‘Hurry up, I’ve got business to attend to.’ And they seem to be getting larger. We now have rats the size of cats, so I have to tiptoe around the rat and leave MY OWN kitchen hurriedly so it can get to what it was doing before I rudely interrupted.
Even right now, as I write, it is there staring at me like, ‘You better not be writing about me.’ I think I better stop here, I really should get a gun, or a machete, or maybe I should move out.
Written by Chika Jones, tweets at @chika_jones