Home / Featured / HUMOUR COLUMN: The Make-Up Use Bill

HUMOUR COLUMN: The Make-Up Use Bill

Has PMB done justice in his 100 days as president? My resounding answer is no. Why? Well, there is a pressing issue I thought he would have looked into by now; I have kept silent all this while, because I was so sure of the CHANGE he would bring, but after one hundred days, he has not touched on the matter in the slightest. All he talks about are livestock and cattle. SMH.

Therefore let me bring this to His Excellency’s attention. By the time I am done, I might be the only Igbo man/woman who will be given a ministerial appointment. I am talking about – THE MAKE-UP USE BILL.

Below are laws that should guide the use of make-up in Nigeria. I sincerely hope this bill will be passed and signed into a law soon.

The First Law Is This:

‘Make-up users shall be subjected to the ‘Instant Recognition Test’ and shall only be allowed out of their homes subject to the passing of the test.’

What is the Instant Recognition Test?

A make-up user shall be made to walk down a random street. And her mother or father (depending on who is jobless at that period in time) will be placed ten paces away. If without prior knowledge of her approach, she is recognized by any of the parents, then the make-up user has passed the test. But if the parent has a problem recognizing the said child’s face due to heavy make-up, the person in question has failed the test and will not be allowed out of the house, until she, like we say in legalese, “wipes that shit off her face.”

NOTE: The logistics involved here are kind of sketchy, like, what area will be used for the test, which federal government body will carry out the test, and what kind of manpower will be needed. But I have full trust that Baba will know how to put this together.

The Second Law Was Initially Worded Thus:

‘All potential boyfriends / husbands / fiancés / ring-givers / ATM machines / recharge-card buyers / shawarma buyers etc must ensure that on the first date, the lady is taken to a swimming pool and made to actually SWIM.’

However, it has come to my notice that we now have water-proof make-up. Therefore, this second arm of the bill has been modified to this:

‘Waterproof make-up and other similar cosmetics that defy the natural cleansing power of water will only be sold to married women, who are accompanied either by a framed marriage certificate or by their husbands. Selling waterproof make-up to single ladies attracts a heavy fine and/or 15 years imprisonment.’

Please note that Instagram filters are considered Make-up.

This Final Law Has To Do With The Carving Of Eyebrows.

All eyebrows shall be subjected to, what we call in professional language, ‘The Screaming Test’.

A child of between three and five years of age will be made to sit, and all faces with carved eyebrows will be shown to the child. The louder the child screams as measured in decibels, the longer the prison sentence of the owner of the eyebrows.

While I understand that President Buhari is quite busy running Nigeria and trying to rile the Igbos while at it, I would love him to take a serious look at the Make-up Use Bill. The above laws, if put in place, will help reduce court cases involving deceived husbands.

Written by Chika Jones, tweets at @chika_jones


About shakespeareanwalter

Walt Shakes(@Walt_Shakes) is an award-winning Nigerian writer, poet and veteran blogger. He is a lover of the written word. the faint whiff of nature, the flashing vista of movies, the warmth of companionship and the happy sound of laughter.

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27 comments

  1. This is how women go dey their own jeje and Chika go come declare war. Issorite, I be innocent spectator

  2. Diaris God in everything we are doing o!

    As my makeup artist friend has vowed to paint my face this saturday…make i no talk sha.

    Chika Jones, i am behind you jare

  3. I say dia ris God o!
    But I lift both hands in 100% support jare!

  4. Hahahahahahahahahahahahahahaa
    Chika, why have you decided to let the devil use you against womankind, eh?

  5. 15 years imprisonment…. LOL! I saw what you did there o, Chika. God is watching you ghan.

  6. Buahahahaha! I got my life from this post! Nigerian make-up is getting more dramatic; chicks be turning themselves from Mr. Ibu, to Halle Berry *smh*… some of those suggested sentences are not harsh enough sef.

  7. You, Chika Jones, are a fish/fufu/odonno/kpangele/mpataka/nnunu/etc!!!!!

    Thanks!

  8. Abeg the bill is much needed. That’s how I almost walked past my roommate one early morning. Her makeup…twas on a class of its own.

  9. I like this post……. give Chika a grammy….. better yet, a Nobel. This right here is the solution to world hunger

  10. Me I have a slight problem sha especially with the second law, if the child has a strong mind and refuses to cry or scream nko? Or the child is just mischievous like that, besides make up is half the problem, what about other accessories, buttpads, foam bras (puts on feminist hat) and fake beards surely those ones too deserve a law?

  11. Chika, I’m 99.9% in support of that bill. Immigration officers should also insist on two photos for passports – one with and another without make-up.

  12. My gosh! I just kent…hahaha!…I support you Chika..beht can we scrap the installation filters part..hehe.. I’m also with Fifi’s suggestion..epic! Haha

  13. @ fifi the two passport ish got me laffing biko…..so so true, I have a friend that without make up shelooks old and sick

  14. Having a bad day but this has just lifted me. Chika, I owe you one

  15. I believe this is needed because for crying out loud, how would you be walking towards your colleague and think to yourself, ‘this lady looks familiar’ simply because she’s not wearing any makeup???? How????????

  16. There was this girl in my CDS group she always wore expertly done make up…ALWAYs!! The day she showed up without make up (she prolly decided her inner beauty was enof) i cudnt look her in the face for a full minute …it hurt my eyes whenever i tried..!!what about dem make up artists?? Deceiving people since ages past.!!! M 100% in support of this bill Toby!!

  17. Hahaha..this is Goddamn hilarious!
    Let Baba bring change in this quarters,biko

  18. Chai!

    Wickedness in earthly places!

    Warrisit?!!

    How is it your business Chika?!!!

    Bia! you must be warned!

    The things that have led to wars are not as big as this trouble you are looking for!

    Sha….I like the first part, but being a huge fan of eyebrows myself, I totally resent the last part.

    By the time you have finished spoiling business for makeup artists, ngwanu you will then understand why there is an ijebu-ode in Ijebu land, ewatago?!

    Oya bye-bye.

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