Home / Featured / HUMOUR COLUMN: The Headline News That Is Ese Oruru

HUMOUR COLUMN: The Headline News That Is Ese Oruru

Ese Oruru is back with her parents. For that we are all grateful; although there is a slightly disturbing angle to that, which I will discuss later. For now, we have lessons from this national episode, and I will discuss them below:

1.Always ask the person helping you his/her reasons for doing so. Most of you are guilty of this. Someone who is not your family goes out of his/her way to always help you, always, even despite inconveniences. Yet, he/she doesn’t seem to be gaining anything from it, no gain whatsoever.

News flash, there was and is only one Jesus, and even Jesus was a Good Samaritan for a reason (argue with your bibles). So it is necessary to ask why. Please ask the person, sit him/her down and ask. If the answers are not satisfactory, please avoid the person. Someone insinuated that Yinusa aka Yellow (I am not sure why he is called Yellow, he is as far from yellow as possible) might have been fetching water for Mama Ese’s buka free of charge for a long time. Such a person might wake up one day and decide he deserves payment.

2. Juju works. I once read about a schoolboy who used juju on another schoolboy. It was told by a friend of mine, he saw with his own eyes. The other lad apparently fainted, started speaking in tongues or something of the sort. I used to doubt it, but brethren, juju works. How else can you explain a fourteen-year-old girl from Bayelsa, who was abducted or eloped with her lover for six months, suddenly becoming extremely fluent in Hausa and refusing to leave her newfound home with her parents? Unless you say it’s love, which is a kind of juju anyway.

3. I think whoever chose 18 as the legal age for adulthood needs to have a rethink. Who chose it? Do you know? These are the kinds of things we should research, not how much Linda Ikeji spent on a Hermes bag. Because I have seen 13 year olds who know what they want and fifty year olds who have the clearness of mind of a bag of cement. So please let us revisit the constitution. Unless you can assure me that there is something that occurs that night between 17 and 18 that suddenly makes you responsible, it is time we changed that legal age.

4. Security in Nigeria is a joke. Well, I can’t claim credit for this lesson; everyone seems to know it.

How else can you explain the fact that the Inspector General of Police, Solomon Arase, had the temerity to go on air to state that he needed the permission of a traditional ruler to rescue a child? So, my fellow Nigerians, if you know what is good for you, hire a private bodyguard, that is if you have the money. Otherwise, get the contacts of military men; believe me, being able to summon a soldier with one call is a necessary skill for survival in Nigeria.

5. Revelation 24: 5. Dust out your bibles and read that verse.

Have a good weekend in advance – No wait! I heard her Ese’s father said he was going to take her to one Nigerian pastor who shares a name with a popular respiratory illness. Well, what can I say? From frying pan straight to fire!

Written by Chika Jones, tweets @chika_jones


About shakespeareanwalter

Walt Shakes(@Walt_Shakes) is an award-winning Nigerian writer, poet and veteran blogger. He is a lover of the written word. the faint whiff of nature, the flashing vista of movies, the warmth of companionship and the happy sound of laughter.

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7 comments

  1. Wait, is this the story of the girl that was kidnapped by some emir and subsequently refused to be returned to her parents?

  2. Lolz… From frying pan into fire indeed.

  3. So sad. Ese’s case is as pathetic as they come and there are others o.

  4. LOL @ pastor that shares a name with a popular respiratory disease.

  5. lolz @ tb joshua

  6. In a bid to cast out one demon, they’ll inflict her with a thousand more.

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