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HUMOUR COLUMN: The Big Surprise Called ‘The Nigerian Government’

NASS stands for National ASS. You are welcome. So let us establish one important fact, there is no single national asset worth spending billions to cover, as the National ASS.

Having got that out of the way, I apologize on their behalf; the truth is they are a group of very learned people, so they automatically assume the same of every Nigerian, which is why they need to read this column often, so they can understand the intelligence of the average Nigerian. You see, when they said 8.46 billion naira, they assumed we could all do the math. Nigeria has 109 Senators. When you divide 8.46 billion naira among one hundred and nine people, what do you have? The answer? Is anyone doing the math? It matters not, if 109 people are spending three percent on the National budget, because if you have ever worked in a multinational company or even the civil service, you’d know how important it is to have your ass covered. That’s your personal ass, how much more the National ASS?

I am in total support of using billions to cover the National ASS, never mind the power problem, or the educational one, or even the unpaid workers; I say they will be alright, let’s just cover the National ASS – with Louis Vuitton and Prada, Giorgio Armani and Calvin Klein. The National ASS needs to be expensively and adequately covered or we will be disgraced by other countries.

I do not understand why Saraki said it is now 500 thousand naira. Ordinary five hundred thousand naira – how much does he think they sell babariga? Or does he not know that the National ASS needs to change its covering every other hour? God forbid that the National ASS be seen in the same cloth after two consecutive hours! The country will be disgraced forever.

And I hear some Nigerians are saying the senators should buy their clothes from their salary, which is really wicked. How many clothes can their millions afford? Have you forgotten they need to pay parking for private jets and for expensive schools abroad? Or do you want the senator’s wife to wear the same wrapper she wore to last year’s August Meeting to this year’s own?

Meanwhile Baba has said that at his age, there are some things he cannot do as president. I salute his honesty. But I think he should have said this a bit earlier, like maybe before people turned out en masse to vote for him, or maybe before he even ran for the primaries. Unless of course he wasn’t talking about his duties to Nigeria, in which case I extend my sympathies to Mrs. Aisha. Dear Madam First Lady, there are various solutions which I can suggest to you to help the situation, but which is on a need-to-know basis from the tatafo people reading this column. So do call me sometime, yea?

Written by Chika Jones, tweets at @chika_jones


About shakespeareanwalter

Walt Shakes(@Walt_Shakes) is an award-winning Nigerian writer, poet and veteran blogger. He is a lover of the written word. the faint whiff of nature, the flashing vista of movies, the warmth of companionship and the happy sound of laughter.

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17 comments

  1. 500 thousand for wardrobe allowance. And you wonder why people stream into politics. Apparently, its a lucrative business in Nigeria. For a country in economic crisis, these materialistic squabbles is just, like, WTF!

  2. Mr President should have said it before the primaries…..i always say APC is the same as PDP,it is just CHANGE of name…….

  3. Buhari needs to hire me as an adviser. There are certain words a leader doesn’t use in public no matter the intention behind it. As for those national legislooters,carry on. Nigerians are only Internet warriors; they can talk the talk but can’t walk the walk

  4. lol @ d last paragraph

  5. Mrs Buhari should call you abi Chika… Kindness must hear, you want to turn sugar boy abi

  6. Lawrence Chimezie

    NASS = National ASS
    Brilliant! You’re my kinda guy.

  7. Chinyere Nkemjika

    Just when i tought i have heard it all.
    5000 for wardrobe allowance? And you keep telling me that Nigeria will get better? In my dreams i bet.

    Dear GMB, i don’t care about your age. We need a radical president . So, if you aren’t capable to occupy that seat, it’s not too late to step.

    • Yes o! No excuses needed. As for the National ASS, diaries God o!! Haba!! Na diamond pant and titanium boxers they wan wear?

  8. You always have a twist in every gist , well done ojare.

  9. Chika Jones, oniwahala for Africa. I like your chosen path of writing.
    1) The only lucrative business in Nigeria is politics particularly being a legislooters. Imagine why they won’t jump fence and act like we all didn’t do simple arithmetics in primary school. May their children cause them 101% shame if they have trained them with the money meant for that boy staring at his helpless mother hungry for food and that girl, helplessly forced into child labour for want of daily bread, roof and basic clothing.

    2) Baba just poured cold water in my very starched agbada i use to wear when i want to defend him and that his comment will forever put a giant grin on Mama Patience of Nigeria face shining with that smirk of satisfaction in her all too unfounded opinion that our oga at the very top is brain dead and

    3) I really want to read from you again as always.

  10. lmao… this is just the beginning…

  11. Chika Jones at it again. Always an interesting read every time ????????

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