Home / Anecdotes / HUMOUR COLUMN: The Art Of A Good Testimony

HUMOUR COLUMN: The Art Of A Good Testimony

Hope you had a wonderful holiday? Last week’s column was delayed due to unforeseen circumstances. This week, in keeping with my tradition of teaching you absolutely nothing, we shall be tackling the major problem of every Christian in Nigeria; you know what that is right? Yes, this problem is quite unsettling basically, because it is the root of many other things. It affects the building of new church buildings, the buying of cars for the pastor and even the economy of Switzerland.

This problem, as we all know, is the problem of testimony.

Why? You may ask. This is because, frankly speaking, there is little to be thankful for in Nigeria. Ok, we are thankful that we are not all dead yet. And we are also thankful that we aren’t all dead yet. But if there are no testimonies, there will be a large reduction in offering. And this means your pastor may have to cut his Hawaii vacation for the year. And this means his wife, your mummy G.O., will not be happy, leading to her not giving him some (if you know what I mean). And a pastor who has not had some is bad for everyone, less anointing.

If I keep breaking this down for you, it will end in a nuclear holocaust. Anyway, so you see the importance of at least four testimonies every Sunday. It means the anointing is still in the church, and mankind survives for another week.

So as a Christian, you have to contribute your fair share of testimonies each Sunday, even if the week was as bad as a case of chicken pox and measles. You have to dig deep and look for something to be thankful for.

What of that stone your enemies sent to be in front of you as you trekked to work on an empty stomach? Thank the God of Pastor this and that, for helping you sidestep it, or you would have tripped over the evil stone and fallen down, broke your neck and died!

Or what about that evil cat you saw on your roof at night, who was looking down you with glowing eyes from hell? After great prayers, it left on its own accord. I know you threw stones at it, but it was the God of Pastor this and that Who really chased it away.

So you see, you have tons of blessings to be grateful for, enough for three testimonies every Sunday.

Now let’s say for instance the week has been fantastic because, after years of butt licking loyalty, your loyalty has been rewarded and you got the local government chairman post. And two days later, you have three cars from loyal civil servants who want you not to block their share of the national cake. And you bring all the cars to church, because, of course, you just have to testify about the goodness of the Lord. Now these are the steps to a proper testimony, seeing as you haven’t been this blessed by God before. Here they are:

  1. Dance to the pulpit. You cannot possibly walk, but think about it – three cars in two days?! God has been good! Moonwalk, if you can.
  2. Adjust the arms of your agbada, and clear your throat when you get to the podium. Avoid the eyes of the poor people. Focus on the group you have just joined. The eyes of those poor people in your local government will bring you bad luck.
  3. Say ‘Praise the Lord’ seven times, increasing your pitch as you go.
  4. Tell them how last week, you were trekking everywhere with your touts campaigning, and how this week you have three cars, how politics in Nigeria is a dirty game, but how God has called you, you that read botany in the university, to change the face of Nigerian politics.
  5. Tell them how much you will put into the House of God. (After all Mummy G.O needs her Hawaii trip)

For God loves a cheerful giver.

Written by Chika Jones, tweets at @chika_jones


About shakespeareanwalter

Walt Shakes(@Walt_Shakes) is an award-winning Nigerian writer, poet and veteran blogger. He is a lover of the written word. the faint whiff of nature, the flashing vista of movies, the warmth of companionship and the happy sound of laughter.

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11 comments

  1. Hm, I doubt if nigerians can do this though.
    My blog: http://www.jekomoent.blogspot.com

  2. You do well oh, belittling our carefully thought out testimonies. Forget that some of this things sounds and looks phony. Like someone deaf and dumb for 28years,(since birth actually) speak impeccable English upon his ‘deliverance’

  3. LOL. Nsogbu dikwa really!!! Ike gwu

  4. Some are phony, yet many are real. Even in this Nigeria, there are many things to be thankful for.

  5. Well said brother, like the fact that we are all alive.

  6. My sister, like we say in 9ja, it is well!

  7. Hnmm I ave plenty things to b thankful for biko.

  8. Na real moon walk if u can.
    Lmao! Nice one

  9. In fact, cripple walk coming before the moon walk won’t be bad; it depicts a bad beginning (criple) that has changed to a better present/future (moon).

    There are tons of reasons to be grateful, but it’s really so off when a robber/assassin who “operated” on Saturday gives a solid tithe and offering from the proceeds with a dramatic testimony like this on Sunday.

    This is indeed hilarious. 🙂

  10. Thanks for reading Joseph

  11. Chai! You will not kill person!

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