Dear reader, I never planned to mention the name Linda Ikeji in this column, but since I have, let us get it over with. Nigerians are a heartless bunch; I think Hitler had some Nigerian blood. Because, really, what did Linda do that was unforgivable, what? It means if a Nigerian owned Google and Santa Claus was a fat fool climbing down people’s chimneys at night, LIB would have been gone forever? Is that it? Okay, so she stole some stories and pictures… Which of your fathers invented English language? Was it the ‘the’ she stole that hurt most or the ‘news’? So the Nigeria that forgave Abacha and gave him a medal for robbing us blind couldn’t forgive Linda? The Nigeria that forgave Obasanjo and made him a saint could not forgive Linda? And you all know she has no husband, it’s not fair, really.
Dear reader, I never planned to mention the moniker, Wizkid, but since I have, let us get it over with. That boy has the intelligence of a cutlery set. I remember him singing ‘Samklef noni’ and today he is saying Samklef has no good beat. He had better look at Psquare and May D, Don Jazzy and D’banj, Faze and Tuface. It’s a no-win situation.
Dear reader, we shall now go over to today’s topic…
‘Sixty-seven-year-old Uniport professor dies in hotel room!’
‘We had only one round of sex: says thirty-year-old woman accused of killing 78-year-old man.’
‘Seventy-five-year old man dies during marathon sex romp with 21-year-old in Asaba!’
I could go on and on, but I think you see what we’ll be discussing today. That’s actually a lie, I couldn’t go on and on, those were the only three examples I found.
Anyway, what do the news headlines above have in common? Good answer, that is what we shall be discussing today. Sex after forty – or in the case of Calabar and Edo men, sixty – is not to be taken lightly. You are no longer as flexible as you were back then. So adhere strictly to the following rules. Not that it really matters; I support total abstinence after forty. But if you really have to, here goes:
- Avoid sex. I know I said it before, but it’s really important. But if you insist, go to number two.
- If you are still reading this, then I guess we have to get it over it.
- Alright, if you say so.
- Never go past one round. That’s the maximum. And a round isn’t measured in minutes, regardless of what your partner is saying. Kindly stop when: (a) You ejaculate or orgasm. (b) You feel any dizziness, vertigo, or abnormal sweating. (c) You have difficulty breathing.
- Choose a style in advance. You are past the age of changing styles, leave that to the kids. A suitable style should be discussed in advance, and adhered to strictly, no matter how excited you get.
- As shown in number five, a pre-coital discussion is essential. Discuss styles, code words, burial arrangements and emergency contact numbers.
- There should be no heavy lifting. This might narrow your number of sexual partners, but it’s for your own good. Discuss the weight limit with your personal physician.
- There should be no use of accessories – ties, pins, chains or whips.
- Absolutely no Viagra. If you can’t get it up, your body has a damn good reason.
So there you have it, please share with older relatives, as we look forward to a time, when such headlines will cease.
PS: Erm, ok never mind.
Written by Chika Jones, tweets at @chika_jones