Here are ten things you should know about modern-day Lagos.
- In the past three days, the traffic jams in Lagos have been legendary.
- Many proper Lagosians will look at that first sentence like an anthropologist would regard a strange insect, like, ‘What does this person mean by – in the past three days?’ Lagos traffic has always been hell.’ And I totally agree.
- The traffic situation in Lagos State cannot be solved because it began centuries ago. I’m pretty sure that if you ever get to know the cause of the Apapa gridlock, it would be two mating dinosaurs stuck at the junction, still panting for an orgasm.
- Laws of Mathematics and Physics do not hold true in Lagos. It has been proven that going on foot is far faster than via a vehicle. As a working class Lagosian, eighty percent of your life is spent in traffic, you are actually paid to seat in traffic and honk. (A lot of experienced workers carry decades’ worth of a change of clothing in their cars).
- A man once escorted his heavily pregnant wife to the airport, so their child could be born on American soil. (The reason for this phenomenon has been the subject of rigorous research. In fact, every dime of Nigeria’s missing billions can be traced to underground bunkers who are involved in this research). So, on the man’s way back home, he got stuck in Cele traffic, and later had to be rescued by the son his wife gave birth to in America. The son rode to his rescue on a bike.
- You do not have to be on the main road to be in a road accident. Cars routinely leave the major road and hit people cooking in their kitchens. The Lagos automobile slogan is: ‘We will look for you and hit you.’
- It is actually possible to go to Lagos, while in Lagos.
- The traffic is moving once again, we will have to finish this later.
- I know I said ten things you have to know about Lagos, but like I said, To Be Continued.
Written by Chika Jones, tweets at @chika_jones