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HUMOUR COLUMN: Some Things I’ve Noticed

Occasionally, I read up on the latest news and do some research, before writing my column for the week. However, if you were to monitor me closely for about a week, you’d observe this interesting fact: I love plantains, fried ones, those ones that a Yoruba man, sometime in 1200, went up to a mountain and meditated for days, and then came back to his family, and after a great ritual, gave them the name – dodo.

But that aside, some things have come to my notice recently, and I would love to analyse them, in the hopes of wasting your time.

First, the Governor of Osun State has allegedly put in place a new policy in the state. This is commendable – putting a new policy in place, I mean. Most Nigerian politicians spend decades in office without putting any policies in place, or even understanding the concept of the word ‘policy’. Rauf Aregbesola’s new policy is a bit strange though. I have looked at it from several angles, and the only reasonable explanation is that it is a game. Apparently the governor is saying, “Let’s play the game of ‘How Many Months Can I Owe You Before You Die Of Starvation.’ In his last official statement, he said to the workers in the state, “Remember this, tough times don’t last, but tough people do.” I am not joking, those were his exact words.

Another funny thing I heard recently is that some people (I am yet to find a suitable word to describe them) have produced a condom that changes its color if the person you are having intercourse with has an STD or STI. Now this really left me confounded. First of all, someone invented the wheel and electricity and airplanes… But this group of people is more interested in chameleon condoms? Also, does the condom change color after the first thrust? Isn’t it a bit too late by then? I spent hours analyzing the whole thing, and came up with one conclusion: condoms have become way too important to mankind.

Lastly, take note of the following:

CHOP VS EAT: Chop refers to such meals as cassava flakes soaked in water (garri), while Eat refers to such meals as fried rice and salad with chicken and freshly squeezed orange juice. The difference is clear, isn’t it? So when it is garri and suchlike meals, you say, ‘I wan chop.’ But when it is fried rice and chicken, you say, ‘I want to eat.’

ACCOUNT DETAILS VS ACCOUNT NUMBER: When a Nigerian wants to send you money, and he says, ‘Give me your account details’, expect a handsome amount upwards from five thousand naira. But the one who says, ‘Give me your account number’ only has the highest possible amount of five thousand naira to give you. Trust me, I did my research on this. Notice that I used ‘he’; the probability of the average Nigerian female sending you money is about 0.0000000003. (That’s a real statistic).

Written by Chika Jones, tweets at @chika_jones


About shakespeareanwalter

Walt Shakes(@Walt_Shakes) is an award-winning Nigerian writer, poet and veteran blogger. He is a lover of the written word. the faint whiff of nature, the flashing vista of movies, the warmth of companionship and the happy sound of laughter.

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13 comments

  1. Haaaaaa! That’s so not true,we give jhawe

  2. The things that goes on in that mind of yours eh China,

  3. hahahahahaha.. Chika don kill me with laugh o…

  4. Weyrey Dude!!! LOL

  5. Lawrence Chimezie

    Walter, thank you for your research. If I were the one that says that female homosapiens are stingy, your gang of female friends would want my head on a spike. Naturally, they are more of takers than givers.
    I think the issue of the chameleon condom makes sense though. You don’t have to wear it and thrust, just pick one out of the pack and use it as a litmus, if you know what I mean.

  6. Hmmmmm, that bit about female is a lie, oya send me your account details.

  7. Hahahahahahahaha, China got me rolling on d floor. Those chameleon condoms tho; can’t wait to try em.

  8. Kai, Chika is one funny mofo

  9. d probability of a female sending u money is less dan 0

  10. Hahahhhahah….I died. Chop vs eat… hhhhahh

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